I Could Write A Book

As the end of the semester approaches, I retreat to my room longing for home, thinking about the first experiences of university life... the good, the bad and the absolutely surreal... I'm finding it harder and harder to write because I've got too many stories, I don't know where to start... I'm slowly beginning to become unfamiliar with the process of putting my thoughts down on a computer screen... Maybe that's a good sign... Maybe it shows I don't need a virtual place to escape to as the amount of stuff happening in everyday life is rich enough to satisfy my intellectual, emotional and physical needs... Or maybe I just CAN'T write... Anyway, here are some of the many events that happened this week...

Friday... Did Isaac's gig at his brother's bar... with Alex... Isaac's a nice guy and everything but he's just not organized... Anyway... He gave me a suit... just the top... Which is exactly what I needed for Sunday Celebrations and church... Had some real spicy food there too... Miss that a lot... Music wise, no one was paying attention... which is probably a good thing because the songs Isaac chose didn't really go with the atmosphere... Alex's 1st jazz gig anyway... Just so you know... Alex is a really good friend of mine... He's like a music soul mate... someone you can just connect with... he lives on my floor... Anyway, we got back to the halls about 2am in the morning... 20 pounds richer... pretty ok for about doing just 6 songs... lol... transport, food and clothes provided...

Saturday... I went to Happy's house with Crystal to meet the two little girls I teach every week... Crystal helping to teach them in the following weeks cos I'm going back home (BASINGSTOKE) for a while... The 2 kids were so sweet... they were like... NOooOooOooo... don't leave!!! LOL haha... I'm coming back to teach them in Feb anyway... they're really mature for their age... Their mum also cooked us food again... tasty... lovely family... Oh yea and I also learned a bit more of their language... After that went to get some Christmas presents for Pastor Bright and family and met Michael, Amelia and Grace there... Whoops... haha good thing they didn't see the presents in the trolley... bleah... After that we popped by Bright's house... All of them were pleasantly surprised to see us there cos Celebration Sunday was the next day and they were working on getting the food and everything done... Met some of the other church members as well...

Sunday... I woke up late!!! ACK!!! Bunny was supposed to come and pick me up and by the time he arrived here I just woke up... Had to rush to get dressed and every thing!!! So embarrassing haha... The service itself was good I think... Saw Dave and Chris Richards, Jonathan and Sarah Aston who came from my church back home in Basingstoke... Dave was particularly happy to see me cos he said he'd been praying for someone from Basingstoke to be planted in this church... Cos they have a few churches that run across London... And another good friend of my David Hollow, just 22, is going to be in one of those churches... Anywho, I saw the 2 little kids I teach every Saturday again... Had a nice chat with them haha... you can talk with them as if they are adults... but they are just 9 and 10!!! Crystal was well impressed with that... I had to leave early because I had a gig on at night... Wish I'd stayed longer though...

Sunday Night... Met Isaac at the train station... surreal... He had one other guy in the front, all the equipment at the back and I was wondering how on earth am I going to get in... He said just squash up in the front for about 5 mins... OooOOkkkkk... So it was totally hilarious with 2 of us crammed up in the left hand side of the car... and Isaac happily driving along the road... It was actually a church we were supposed to play at... Now, I'm not one to judge the Christian faith... But there was this strong feeling of a cult going on... I did not feel comfortable at all one bit... 1st of all the pastor doesn't say hello or anything like that, he doesn't prayer before service and dare I say, I think, prophesizes superficially... God forgive me if I'm wrong... During worship... this guy comes up and starts playing the keyboard and asks if this other keyboardist can do the song in G... No one stops him or anything... Isaac comes up after worship and performs... Love story and ain't no sunshine when she's gone... but with different lyrics... i.e. inserts of Jesus and God blah blah... and these people are loving every bit of it... surely, there must be something wrong with morality here right? Of course it could be me who totally gets this wrong and if so may I be corrected for it... Thing is... the other musicians that came were feeling it too... Anyway, I'm glad I got to meet Femmi again, the bass player I met from Skippo's band the last time... Also got to meet 2 other guys Salom and I can't remember the other guy's name... whoops... that experience was an eye opener... It makes me think to myself if I'm doing the same thing and making a mockery out of the faith... maybe not as overtly but still... It's a sad state of affairs...

Monday... Samba in the morning... rehearsal for the gig at night... pretty smooth... just tying up loose ends... The gig was ok... Nikki Iles and Malcolm Edmonstone's groups were tight... Rick, the guy who takes us for Samba wasn't there... so we had to go on stage and urgh... some of the Samba groups didn't practise... it was quite embarrassing... I was in one of the last groups... actually... I was in the group that finished the show... Oh well, there was a jam session on in the bar later and I went for that... yes, I did go up and jam... haha Skippo wouldn't stop playing... a couple of crappy endings but otherwise a good end to the night... There was however this guy in the front, probably a second year jazz student, who kept making comments or gestures to express his annoyance at the musical unawareness of some of the jammers... I thought it was unnecessary... I hate arrogant people... they get on my nerves... but it made me think if I'm ever like that... Lord, keep my heart warm and my head cool... Oh, also at the gig before the jam session, there was this guy called Christian... Nice guy... and he plays the piano... man... I've felt inspired again... time to go practice... well, gotta start on my 2000 word essay 1st... dang... maybe I'll do it in Scotland or something haha... yea... well, see what happens... I don't like essays...

Funny thing is, I thought this would be a short entry...

They Say It's Wonderful

The confusing thing with this week is I don't know whether things are picking up or am I just oblivious to the changes that are taking place around me... Ever since I came here I've been having this vibe of thinking before you do anything... now only problem with that is... If you take such a long time to think you end up looking retarded... Wasting time besides...

The monotony of University life is beginning to get to me... Even with every other great jazz musician's overwhelming talent and inspiration that surrounds me... I never thought I'd see the day I say this... With so many idioms in the jazz lexicon to draw upon, I've begun to feel musically dry... AGAIN... Is this a sign of mental fatigue? Or sheer boredom?

Strangely enough, people seem to think differently... So I play incredibly fast, transpose most songs at sight, got a good grasp of music theory, play several other instruments competently, have a nice touch on the piano, have perfect pitch, transcribe fast, play piano backwards (I find that stupid), write songs, memorise loads of songs... So what... There are many other things I can't do... I don't have excellent rhythm, my metric modulation is totally off, I RARELY practice, I can't play Latin for nuts, I have a penchant for falling back to diatonic scalic figures which shows my lack of inspiration, I never truly listen when I jam with people, I don't teach well, I can't write well structured academic essays and I find it terribly hard to articulate my thoughts when asked certain music questions...

Yet even with this list of things I can do, I find it amusing how so many people succumb to many cliche assumptions... You play fantastic, therefore you can teach me... you can transcribe fast, therefore you must be some sort of musical genius... you have perfect pitch... therefore you're a freak... you can play too many instruments well for your age... therefore you're a monster... I've heard the words, "This guy is CRAZY!!!" far too many times... Word gets around fast in the music world... I think... It's amazing how overrated someone can be... ask me something like, "So what kinda scale do you use over a Cm7b5b9#13?" and I reply with, "huh?" "What was that nice motivic thing when you were playing that free jazz piece?" "I was just playing nonsense, for goodness sake it's free jazz, just play man" "Can you teach me how to improvise by encircling the chord tones?" "I dunno, I'm still learning that myself" "But you were doing it just now" "Was I?, Ok" My point exactly...

Does this mean by me telling you this that I'm arrogant, selfish and maybe pseudo-perfectionist? I hope not... I don't intend for it to be that way... I'm like any one else in this world... I just choose to spend my time exploring music in depth instead of socialising... It's a conditioning of the mind... If I told you I was tone deaf when I was young you guys probably won't believe me... I'm human... I have needs and I haven't really vocalised them in public all my life so I'm doing it now... All I want is to give you a clearer understanding of why I tire of people asking me questions about music almost everyday... and why I may be distant at times I reply... I'm exhausted of living up to people's expectations of me... yes, I get insecure!!!

Case in point, I was at a jam session 2 days ago... Sunday night... chose not to jam and people were shocked... I get comments like, "The monster is staying home tonight", "You feel INSECURE?!", "I wish I was good enough to feel insecure", "Seriously dude, you're not overrated, I know what I heard" and I'm like for the love of everything sane, GIMME A BREAK!!!

I'm firstly, a STUDENT in Middlesex University... Yes, I do gigs and teach on the side... but I'm here for one fundamental reason... I'm here to LEARN... have I really been doing that? No, ever since halfway through term, the learning curve has reached a plateau...

Please understand I'm not here to show off... if you get that impression then you're wrong... saying that I'm venting becomes passe... so take this as sortta a statement instead... whether it stirs up emotions in you or not, that's your personal opinion and I respect that... You don't have to agree with me... This is what I've lived with ever since music became a major part of my life... Not that I'm not grateful for God's blessings... Anyway, someone's messaging me now so I have to go... probably asking about tritone substitution... sigh... back to reality...

Facade, Charade and Masquerade...

'Round Midnight

I never fail to laugh (and be a bit embarrassed most of the time) at my own inner thoughts sometime after I write them down... Looking back at some previous entries, I guess I never really know what to write at all... Maybe I just write for the sake of writing... looking for something to do when you have nothing to do or when you're procrastinating... whatever's going on in my mind just happens to be penned down...

Anyway, I want to tell you about the events that took place after Wednesday's pseudo-depressive state... Helped a guy in my course called Dominic write a song... He's an up and coming producer and a Christian brother... He says he'll pay me my share once he gets the CD produced and everything... Oh well, see what happens with that... I know I can trust him... International Cafe was kinda refreshing... I guess... I dunno... seems to me like nowadays, I feel like if I'm not doing something, I'm not being productive... something inside me is not at peace... could this be a sign of workaholicism? If there is such a term...

Today was kinda alright again... I seem to be getting know more people day by day... Especially the 2nd years whom I don't know who just come up to me and start chatting... Yea, had a rehearsal with Isaac and some of the other guys for that Christmas Jam thingy... I guess I'm gonna have to rehearse that "go under piano, play piano backwards and cross hands" gag... Useless party trick for ya... I find it stupid... Most people find it amusing... I think real innovation comes from a guy like this... just checked him out today...

www.jongomm.com

That's the link... It's a cool web page!!! Wish I had something like that haha... anyway... Oh, I also got called for a gig maybe next Saturday night... Paying 50 pounds... Might do another gig the Friday before as well... that's if they don't mind me skipping a rehearsal on Friday for the Saturday gig... Ok, I'm not making any sense... I'm mainly writing this down as I think... But yea... I got a new student on Wednesday... Goodness, there are so many things to do... Well, hopefully can relieve stress by playing foosball on Sunday haha... Miss playing that...

Sigh, well I'm teaching the 2 kids tomorrow again... Tomorrow's gonna be slightly more challenging than the previous weeks... Man, these next 2 weeks are gonna be more than busy... Well, I can't deny I feel lost... Or maybe a bit overwhelmed... But I know God's gonna see me through... Somehow... I'm still looking for my smile...

Picking up the pieces...

Darn That Dream

I'm dead... gone... tired... overwhelmed... I've been sitting here at my computer screen for what seems like an eternity, wondering where on earth to start writing about this past "emotional roller coaster ride" week... Maybe I'll start with Friday... since it's a good place to continue from where I left off last Thursday...

Friday started off really well... Went in to the recital hall to practice a little bit before the lesson... Halfway through my practice, this lady comes in and asks me if she can take my picture for the Middlesex University Music Website... I'm like... yea... ok... sure... snap, snap, snap... she's not done... took about 15 mins to take like dunno how many pictures... anyway... she still hasn't emailed them to me yet... cos I wanted to see how it would turn out... ok... she leaves and I carry on practising...

5 mins later some random gal comes into the room starts chatting me up and I'm like who on earth are you... ok yes she was pretty (yes she did catch my eye before but never really talked)... but still... erm... yea... then she starts asking me questions like some sortta interview or something... then asked me to play something and she starts singing... so did that... People start to come in... she asks me for my number... gave it to her and she says she's gonna stalk me... and I'm like what?! Ok nvm... Radio Programme Presentation was dead funny!!! HAHA!!! People said they enjoyed our group the most but anyway... some stupid thing about Kenny G... Had a party at night too... Chaya's birthday party, that was fun... Besides the stalker asking me random questions via text messages...

Saturday was fab teaching 2 kids how to play piano again... they are really intelligent and sweet... Their mom cooked me like so much food... I was bloated!!! Anyway, then it was worship practice... refreshing... actually, every time I go to Pastor Bright's house or meet up with any of the church members I feel, I dunno... like the worries of the world just fade away...

Sunday was awesome... played for the other church that used the premises after us as well... in that building that we rent out... stayed a whole day at Pastor Bright's house like I always do... and we started discussing worldly issues vs biblical issues... Was really insightful!!! man, I love those... oh yea and stalker gal keeps texting me again asking if we should meet up to work on some songs... blah blah... yea guess so... ok I admit to being a little attracted as well... anyway...

Monday was whoa... a full day... Mentally draining... Let's skip that for now...

Tuesday, meeting up with that gal... since I know you people are still reading this and wondering about it... Had a fun time... Couldn't find a practice room so we were like listening to songs in my room instead, trying to figure out chords and stuff... She also starts singing and going on about relationships and stuff... about guys not being good enough for her or that she gets bored of one guy and you know... went to find another practice room later to start working on the songs... she was a bit touchy feely... something in my heart told me to wait... and not act on anything... though some feelings were burning inside me... Today I thank God I obeyed him... And He showed me a clear sign... cos I was kept asking Him to show me if it was ok to pursue this...

Maybe she was desperate or maybe not, I don't mean to judge... Yesterday she said she was going to a friend's place... A friend she said she didn't have anything going on with... so I was like a bit suspicious... cos they like always hang out together... Anyway, I was practising some songs with her and another guy... and that friend of hers is in the other room practising... few minutes later he comes into the room and starts to listen... and in my peripheral vision I can see both of them kissing while this other guy is belting out love songs... well, I guess you can imagine how I felt... I feel better now getting this off my chest actually... thinking about it now logically... but yea... an issue of trust there...

Anyway, I made friends with her new found boyfriend... Then we all had a rehearsal/jam session around 5pm... Ok before I tell you about the jam session... background info... When I 1st came to Middlesex University, I vowed not to get into any relationships so I could concentrate on my studies... Now with this thing happening, I can honestly say it did distract me for a bit... amazing how much can happen within the span of 5 days... maybe I gave a piece of my heart who knows... anyway I'm so glad there was a church worship practice tonight... because I needed support... Just got back actually...

So anyway, jam session... all my emotion went into playing... stalker gal is in the corner watching everything going on as well... That includes clapping from passers by at the end of the song which we jazz musicians don't usually get, disappointed faces when I had to leave, intrigued guys who would come stand by the piano to watch my solos... just trying to illustrate my point... little did anyone know though that some of the best music I made, I think made tonight... Might be more to come... hey can't a person vent once in a while... Sometimes I grow tired of this facade of performing... Almost everyone in my year and some from the upper years who know me assume I'm alright... I can't figure out who's the real me anymore...

Ok, all this may sound childish and immature but it's late, I'm tired, I need a listening ear... Way too many people asking me for favours... teaching and gigging don't really help me relax either... A relationship right now might also add to the busyness... Nobody likes getting their heart burned... why did God chose to show me this lesson at this time? I'm not sure... Does he have a plan for my life? I'm told he does... Do I believe any less in Him? Don't think so...
Well, I feel better knowing I have such support from Christian brothers and sisters... Anyway, I think I'll retire now to bed where I can escape to dream... My wait continues...

Someday I'll Know...