Haunted Heart

Half past 3... 4 hours after I'd woken up... No class, no social activities, no life... well it was dead quiet anyway... odd aeroplane flying by and a few birds... that's about all the noise there was... procrastination reeled it's familiar face again... I decided not to give in to its taunting...

I hate writing... much as I want people to know what's going on in my mind it sometimes kills me... figuratively speaking... Come on do I really have to explain that... ah well, people surprise you at times... Even the ones you thought you knew well... They're always gonna have some flaws... but who am I to judge right?

Summer was great... as you can tell from the 20 kilos I added to my already sturdy frame... well yea... whatever... Met old faces, met new faces, the story's the same and pretty mundane... I shan't bore you with the details... there are a couple of pics to keep you entertained...

Humans... A paradox... An eternity isn't even long enough to try and understand them... or what I just said... anyway read on if you don't mind my pessimistic rhetorical ranting and where the heck this is leading to... Where on earth is my life leading to that's what I wanna know...

Church... my experience goes way back to when I was a kid... I've probably seen things other people (those not in church) haven't seen... Spiritual, physical, etc... you catch my drift... Sometimes I wonder why I'm even attending church in the 1st place... what IS church? It used to mean something when I was a kid... but then again I was a kid... and I'm not really sure if i can use the phrase "REALLY mean something"... I went to church partly cos my parents went and mainly for the reason that I could see my friends and catch up... yea school was that bad but that's a different story...

I always wonder what it's like coming from the "outside"... A lot of the time I find secularism more alluring... gasp! shock! horror! I'm not the Jordan you know... Shut up and listen... it matters... By the way that's Frank in the pic who actually bothers to talk on my wavelength, Sunday's in Basingstoke... Every time I go there I begin to feel depressed even though I was alright back home... A "normal" conversation would be... and this is only if you catch people's attention...

"Hi"
"Hi"
"How are you doing?"
"Pretty alright"
*Insert awkward silence 1*
"So, what are you doing now? Are you in your 1st year uni?"
"Nope, 2nd"
"What course are you doing?"
"Jazz"
"Are you enjoying it?"
"Yep - (States why, too long to type in here or rather I can't be bothered)"
"Well that's good... It's good to see you here" (Cue for him to exit or something)
"Er well yea... thanx" (I'm thinking, "yea right")
"See you next week"
"Yep, ok"
*Insert awkward silence 2*
(Walks away and starts talking to other person next to me)
Next week
"Hi"
"HI"
"How are you doing?"
"I'm alright how about you?"
"I'm alright too"
*Insert awkward silence*
"So..."
OH MY GOSH HERE WE GO AGAIN WEEK IN WEEK OUT

Yea, pple that KNOW me, know I'm not easy to talk to... One worded answers sure ain't gonna get you a lot of things to talk about... but then again... I loathe small talk... what's the point... The sky is so high... um, yes... SO??!!?!?!? here... a picture of the sky for you... I admire the beauty in nature and everything but there are times when stating the obvious just becomes stupid... not nature though, I love nature... it's humans I can't stand... well some of them... who am I to judge? I can't stand myself sometimes...

Being in church practically all my life, it's like people go to church to be entertained for the weekend... yea social highlight of the week... Sort of like a social club for the bored on Sunday... Music plays on... I get a pamphlet stating the order of service... ok... not much different from a concert of some sorts... Let's all bow for a word of prayer... heads go down, eyes close, I have no clue how many people sleep...

Are you ready to worship the Lord... textbook answer... yes... I said ARE YOU READY TO WORSHIP the LORD?!!! YES!!! Wait what happened to praise? Ah I'll think about that later we're singing... open the eyes of my heart Lord... hey that girl over there looks kinda cute... what is the guitarist doing... oh gosh the singer is outta tune... Focus Jordan focus... Hey Jordan I are you going for lunch later... huh? er yea... *goes back to singing quickly* To see you high and lifted up, shining in the light of Your glory... Mindless empty singing... the tune's great... nice melody, nice chords... now let's move into a time of worship... whoo emotional high time... Hail the Sun of Righteousness! Light and life to all he brings, Risen with healing in his wings... hang on what am I singing about... Jesus has wings? sounds like a chicken with a medical degree... Okay this is just an example... It really comes from Malachi 4:2 "But unto you that fear my name shall the Sun of right-eousness arise with healing in his winds; and ye shall go forth, and grow up as calves of the stall." "Wings" here means the rays of the sun. So Jesus rises like the sun and his rays heals us... still... I'm wondering what non-believers think about that cow bit if we did ever rip out that section of the Bible and started singing it out of context... Get my point yet... Have we all stopped telling lies and started singing them since we became Christians? How many of you have vowed to change the nations or come back to the heart of worship... Again who am I to judge?

Lifestyle... I can't say mine's any better... but it sickens me to think a few pastors, worship leaders, people whom a lot of the congregation look up to, live a secret life behind the Godly facade... No offence to anyone out there whom this does not apply to... I have seen it with my own eyes too many times however and it shakes my faith little by little...

Lord we worship you today... blah blah... *insert buzz words and cliched phrases that you know will work well in a church setting* oh spirit and truth... yea that's a good one let's use that one... next day... hey you got a lighter I can borrow? um, nope, wat do you need it for... A puff... Ok... Who am I to judge?

I sometimes feel God's being used as a means to justify one's decisions in life... so what are you gonna do after your studies? Not sure see where the Lord leads... Oh we knew that it was meant to be that the Lord brought us together... Hey I don't think it was a coincidence I think God put me where I was at that time so that I can do this... yada yada yada... I know people who blog about their woes and as the entry tapers off, it goes something like this... I know God is gonna see me through this time... *insert relevant Bible verses here*...

I fear saying stuff I don't mean... maybe that's why I give one worded answers... I fear acting like a hypocrite... maybe that's why I find it hard to raise unholy hands on a Sunday morning... trust me my life isn't perfect... grace... I still find that hard to accept... what's the point if ya just gonna be sinning every week and ask for forgiveness on Sunday and repeat the vicious cycle throughout your life... or maybe the problem is I can't forgive myself sometimes... I think too much a lot of the time... I don't understand how people can act holier-than-thou when their life isn't even up to scratch... I know mine isn't... and it disgusts me... Who am I to judge?

Yea, do I really think the church is getting more worldly and the world more churchy? my answer is I can't tell the difference anymore... what IS church? And yea I do know that church is not a building lecture so save it for now... friends outside seem to share more brotherly love than what goes on in those buildings every Sunday... Who am I to judge eh? We live in a world where a single death is a tragedy and a million is a statistic... Society for you...

Anyway, I'm too tired to think about all the things I wanna say... there's a lot more where that came from but for now the silence has been broken... I can't take this crap anymore...

I refuse to be another statistic
A man who can wine and dine in the sin of the world and still be considered a Christian
I plan on being great, I care not to be less
I refuse to wear a barcode across my chest
I refuse to let a black tee or throwback jersey define me
I refuse to let my children witness divorce or make mature decisions in court
I refuse to grow up carrying a generational curse
I refuse to feel the need to curse in my verse
I hate being automatically looked at when somebody ask, can anyone rap?
I wanna be a man who can flip it from urban to corporate measures
A man who doesnt gain knowledge of the world for his own pleasures
A man who risks life to the fullest with no regrets
My only regret is the stigma that many statistics in the past have said
Like; going to jail,
bragging about bail,
leaving our kids,
cussing at church, married and you still flirt,
no father person at birth, animosity within the ministers in our church
I refuse to let my people be viewed as temporary
I plan on planning on seeing not for the moment but for one that is legendary
As for statistics, my Father broke the mould and I feel it's just my job for the next generation to continue in it
Cos I refuse to be another statistic