Why Can't I?
So what problem do I have now? You might be asking... I'm sure by now you're sick and tired of hearing me whine about my life's experiences... if you do not wish to read the rest of this blog entry... you don't have to... this is just a place for me to escape... ok... maybe the word vent is more apt...
Straight to the points I want to write about... 1st... from previous blog entries... as you might have already read... people being "real" in church.... 2nd... and a new topic which goes in conjunction with this... cliche as it might seem... but excuse me for being melodramatic... being misunderstood by people... mainly by my parents... sure you might shake your head and sigh thinking... here he goes again... selfish old me... is it too much to ask if I just want someone to listen? =D nothing on you of course... sorry to be rude and in your face...
Background information for you in case you're wondering what in the world I'm going on about... Actually it's a whole build up of things... 2 months ago when I came back to the UK for my studies... I had loads of doubts and questions... and I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't have them now... questions like... food, accommodation, university life... but the main ones were finding a church... now to me... that means a church where I feel welcome... If I have to spell it out for you it means... where I can fit in and where the youth doesn't talk amongst themselves in they're cliques... which is what happened when I was previously in the UK before I went to national service...
Coming back... I saw it as something I had to bear with till I went to go find another church... Yes there were thoughts about me being selfish and all... about the whole consumer church thing... where one says what can I GET out of a church... instead of what can I DO for a church... and believe me... I HAVE thought about it... Well, tying the parents thing in now....
What is it with parents that they have to take control of a certain area of your life if they think you're not doing anything about it... ok... so maybe it's my fault for not telling them that I didn't wanna join some other church in London... Cos we've only been there like once or twice when our family's regular church wasn't in session... So listen... they hook me up with some guy I totally don't know... say things which imply that I WILL be going to that church... and get invited to cell group and all... now for all they're good intentions... and their "strong encouragement"... I keep sensing a feeling to go to the other church... and yes... I HAVE thought about whether it is God's will... or whether it is my own will getting the better of me... well... may be my fault for not vocalising the issue to my parents...
So why don't you? you ask... for one... my mum likes to talk AT you... instead of to or with you... which doesn't really leave much breathing space for me or anyone if you think about it... My dad... listens... but has his own ideas... it's not necessarily an "in one ear out the other" sortta thing... but more like an "in two ears, out the mouth in a different version from the original"... now don't get me wrong... I love my parents... I just wish they would listen PROPERLY sometimes...
Coming back to church... I've been to EEC... the church where my parents "decided" for me to go... somehow it lacks warmth... excuse me if I'm wrong... and don't think for one moment that I'm not battering myself over my attitude towards newcomers when I was back in Singapore... cos I feel terrible now... anyway... this other church... I've been praying in my heart for God to give me some sortta sign... I didn't want to talk to anyone about it... or anything cos I didn't wanna push for my own agenda... I'm just as confused as you are now... anyway... Jonathan Aston's wife came up to me today... and I didn't even ask her about anything... She asked me if I knew of the church in Enfield... the place where I'm staying during term time... and I think you can guess the rest of the story....
What I'm trying to figure out is... Is this all coincidence... God's signs... or just my imagination running wild again... part of growing up involves making your own decisions... I also know it means... dealing with the consequences... Right now I'm fine with dealing with the consequences... I'm fine with that... I just wish I'd be given a PROPER chance to make my own decisions... and yea... I'm not saying I'm right or wrong...
I'm merely venting....
Straight to the points I want to write about... 1st... from previous blog entries... as you might have already read... people being "real" in church.... 2nd... and a new topic which goes in conjunction with this... cliche as it might seem... but excuse me for being melodramatic... being misunderstood by people... mainly by my parents... sure you might shake your head and sigh thinking... here he goes again... selfish old me... is it too much to ask if I just want someone to listen? =D nothing on you of course... sorry to be rude and in your face...
Background information for you in case you're wondering what in the world I'm going on about... Actually it's a whole build up of things... 2 months ago when I came back to the UK for my studies... I had loads of doubts and questions... and I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't have them now... questions like... food, accommodation, university life... but the main ones were finding a church... now to me... that means a church where I feel welcome... If I have to spell it out for you it means... where I can fit in and where the youth doesn't talk amongst themselves in they're cliques... which is what happened when I was previously in the UK before I went to national service...
Coming back... I saw it as something I had to bear with till I went to go find another church... Yes there were thoughts about me being selfish and all... about the whole consumer church thing... where one says what can I GET out of a church... instead of what can I DO for a church... and believe me... I HAVE thought about it... Well, tying the parents thing in now....
What is it with parents that they have to take control of a certain area of your life if they think you're not doing anything about it... ok... so maybe it's my fault for not telling them that I didn't wanna join some other church in London... Cos we've only been there like once or twice when our family's regular church wasn't in session... So listen... they hook me up with some guy I totally don't know... say things which imply that I WILL be going to that church... and get invited to cell group and all... now for all they're good intentions... and their "strong encouragement"... I keep sensing a feeling to go to the other church... and yes... I HAVE thought about whether it is God's will... or whether it is my own will getting the better of me... well... may be my fault for not vocalising the issue to my parents...
So why don't you? you ask... for one... my mum likes to talk AT you... instead of to or with you... which doesn't really leave much breathing space for me or anyone if you think about it... My dad... listens... but has his own ideas... it's not necessarily an "in one ear out the other" sortta thing... but more like an "in two ears, out the mouth in a different version from the original"... now don't get me wrong... I love my parents... I just wish they would listen PROPERLY sometimes...
Coming back to church... I've been to EEC... the church where my parents "decided" for me to go... somehow it lacks warmth... excuse me if I'm wrong... and don't think for one moment that I'm not battering myself over my attitude towards newcomers when I was back in Singapore... cos I feel terrible now... anyway... this other church... I've been praying in my heart for God to give me some sortta sign... I didn't want to talk to anyone about it... or anything cos I didn't wanna push for my own agenda... I'm just as confused as you are now... anyway... Jonathan Aston's wife came up to me today... and I didn't even ask her about anything... She asked me if I knew of the church in Enfield... the place where I'm staying during term time... and I think you can guess the rest of the story....
What I'm trying to figure out is... Is this all coincidence... God's signs... or just my imagination running wild again... part of growing up involves making your own decisions... I also know it means... dealing with the consequences... Right now I'm fine with dealing with the consequences... I'm fine with that... I just wish I'd be given a PROPER chance to make my own decisions... and yea... I'm not saying I'm right or wrong...
I'm merely venting....
posted by Jordan at 8:24 pm
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