It's Been A Long, Long Time

Ok... So I'm not all smiles... That previous blog entry was a little too boring and this one is a bit too soon... I don't how to say this... but I'll try... at the risk of sounding narcissistic and proud... though I don't wanna sound like that... and I don't mean to sound desperate too... but then again maybe I'm in denial... right now I don't know how I feel... depressed I guess... yea... my life ain't as picture perfect as most people think it is...

You know how this blog was started cos of some love issues... Well, it still goes on because of love issues... ok i'm not making any sense... Let's start way back from the beginning shall we... My life story for you... if you don't want to hear it go read some other else's blog... I'm not in the mood for non-serious stuff... No offence...

Back when I was a kid, I liked this girl in my old church... not going to say who... some of you know... but anyway... I was new at this... guess I still am... well, needless to say, she rejected me... no hard feelings.. we're good friends now... but back then it was a big issue...

I was so upset... depressed, everything... you name it... burned myself... shut people out of my life to avoid getting hurt... I vowed I was going to show her one day who I would become... some famous person whom all the girls will like and that she'll regret not going out with me... I'm just telling you that's how I felt at that time... It was very proud and selfish of me... Don't get me wrong yea??? I was very childish back then...

Anyway, I invested all my time in practising music non-stop, didn't care about making friends or anything and all... kept to myself the entire time in secondary school... so after O levels I was practising everyday for 6 hours or something... may have been less... dunno... but still a lot... trying out all the different instruments and stuff... Just finding some way to escape from it all... I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling inside... or didn't want to... I guess I was just venting my feelings through my playing...

Well, back then, my church was small, so there wasn't anyone you didn't know... so when I changed church to Barker... it was like sooo many people... I forgot about her and met new friends... began to open up a bit more... I met more people in the music ministry... You know where I'm going with this... I said to myself... wow... I think it'll be easy to find a girlfriend here... I can take my time... then it was at youth camp where Daniel Long was talking about not flirting and stuff... Cos I think I was on the verge of doing it... he was really angry with some of the youth in camp... and for goodness sakes... I was one of the group leaders!!! Shame on me... I rededicated my life to God... or so I thought...

I had to leave for studies in the UK... and I tell you... I strayed a lot... there was this other girl I liked in some college... but it didn't work out... we hardly knew each other... I foolish to rush into things... yea... she rejected me... Now the 1st gal from Singapore I liked for 4 or 5 years until she said no... so I waited... then this gal from UK... too short a time... and by then I was already heading off to Singapore and stuff... oh well... I went back to Singapore for NS... more hurt, angry at life, bitter at God, and withdrawn from the world... I was like... life has won, I am beaten...

NS was even harder still... there was so much pressure about getting attached and all... even from church as well!!! So I went to church for the wrong reasons... played in the music ministry and as many services all for the wrong reasons... to sum it all up... to get noticed... to get people to like me... gain acceptance... yada yada yada...

And you know what... I did get noticed... but it wasn't for the right reasons... anyway... to cut a long story short... It was only when I was forced to stop playing for the different services that I realised what I was doing was wrong... ok, not exactly forced... but God prevented me from playing... Being busy with my 1st national day parade and stuff... This time I said to myself... Get real... I got serious about God... and brushed off topics about love and stuff... said to myself I'm going to leave my love life in God's hands... sounds all to familiar doesn't it? But I think I wasn't confronting it properly...

Right, so I focused on playing for one service, I quit Sunday School cos I knew there would be too many distractions... played for Shine Forth cos that time they were in need of musicians... eventually stepped up to worship leading... I was happy with my life right until March this year... same time I started my blog... now constantly in my 11 or 12 years of serving in the music ministry... I have been asked if I have a girlfriend... but didn't think much of it... but when you get asked by one of your leaders? that's strange... I keep thinking to myself... Is now the time or what? waiting for so long can sometimes get tiring... hearing all this talk about God having a plan for your life and all... it's the same thing over and over again... I admit sometimes my faith runs dry... wondering if God is ever there...

Oh well, truth is I've been so busy with serving God in the music ministry and now that I've stepped down, I don't really know what to do... playing every Sunday gets tiring... people just waiting for you to screw up and laugh at you later... be it on the stage or in life... heck... maybe I shouldn't even blog!!! knowing all the pain this is going to cause me or already has... Saying that I'm going to trust God with my life gets tiring... sometimes I feel I can't take it anymore... I wanna scream but it'll wreck my voice... do I sound too self-obsessed to you? I think I do... I don't care anymore... you guys put me up on a pedestal if you want to... so when you people say you can't find anything wrong with my life... think again...

Maybe I read too much into what people say... I have tendency of doing that and people get the wrong idea... or maybe I get the wrong idea.... wadever... It's real hard when I see all my friends attached... and I'm still like single and all... you can tell me all the pros and cons... I've heard them before... It gets lonely sometimes... sometimes, when I talk about new girls I meet, maybe it's an attempt to tell myself that I'm accepted and I won't feel so lonely... Call it denial to desperation or what you wanna... sometimes I wished I had wished for happiness and a perfect companion instead of fame and recognition... Then again... maybe I'm the only one to blame for still being single... maybe I don't know what I want yet... so excuse me if I'm sounding self-absorbent and egotistical now... I'm distraught... I hope you understand... I think I'm mad at myself... not you guys who keep reading this blog...

I don't really know how I feel... I mean maybe all my time serving the Lord has kept me focused on Him instead of pondering about how my life will turn out... Is it selfish to think that way? Maybe that's a wrong and unfair statement... I know I need to trust God... it's hard though... There's seriously a lot of sacrifice involved... I've no regrets about being soooo involved in the ministry... that was the most fulfilling time of my life... but now that I'm not so active... hrmmm.... argh... I don't know what to think.... this could be a transition period... who knows? In any case, looks like more good music is heading your way... blood, sweat and tears... someone please help or pray for me...

Intense Man...