A day in the life of a fool

I've moved...

2007-11-17T09:38:00.001+08:00

find out more of my life out of the darkness that pervaded it...

www.mybrainisstillat.blogspot.com

81

2007-04-20T18:26:00.000+08:00

Busy and tired but excited! Will be playing for this celebrity red carpet thingy at natural history museum soon... That reminds me... I better get started on my essays soon... rehearsals will be manic! Other than that... been enjoying the summer... some Egyptian musicians and dancers came to teach us about their music yesterday... lol... funky... couple of my friends went trekking through the woods around the campus... I didn't know it was so big! Wanted to check out this monument but decided to go to this old abandoned witch hut... :S creepy... anywayz... the cleaning lady is coming to clean my room so I'm gonna go out and have lunch :P

byebye...

Too Marvelous For Words

2007-04-01T03:45:00.000+08:00

Toooooooo tired....... Toooooooooooo Busy................ I need to get away fromt this and find myself a quiet creek where I can listen to the sound of a babbling brook... lol.... My funk band starts playing after Easter! ^_^ every Monday at the Union Bar... Gonna be fun... Also have a gig coming up that's gonna be at the natural history museum... hehe.. and there's one I might be doing in Montreaux too... other than that... someone hung themselves in the halls... really tragic... right I'm going for dinner... my brain is all over the place...

Cya...

Route 66

2007-03-08T16:36:00.000+08:00

Rain drops on corrugated roof tops
The vapour off hot tarmac on some semi-urban street
Champagne glasses clinking to swing
I admire the city skyline along the quay
Passing wooden boats
The smell of world cuisine
I miss home
I miss being free

I miss being me

Walkin' In A Winter Wonderland

2007-02-09T02:56:00.000+08:00

It's REALLY snowing this time... whoa! The night before I went out to buy some chinese szechuan lamb and thought to myself... boy it sure is cold out here tonight... a truck drove by and I was like huh? Why is there a truck? Then I realised when I saw it sprinkling salt over the road... and was like oh... cool... it's gonna snow tomorrow...

Today I wake up and find myself gazing out my window at a white landscape... thought I had class... one of the lecturers was there but everybody wanted to snowball fight so I joined that instead... haha... we built this like gigantic snow boulder and stuff... lol... was super fun! got drenched in snow... sounds weird saying that lol...

Hrmmm let's see other than that what's been happening... the funk band is going pretty well... I've met up with a couple of singers... some Russian gal tried to hit on me and had a video shoot for this jazz program in Africa... the new tracks are up on my website... :) Well gotta go for international cafe now...

Tata...

Let It Snow!

2007-01-26T19:03:00.000+08:00

You will not believe this! It's SNOOOOOOOWWINNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!! In LONDON!!!! Woke up 2 days ago... Ok yea I shoulda posted this that day... lol... and the grounds were all white... like a christmas pudding... why does snow make people feel better? hrmmm... I wonder... I didn't manage to get any pictures though... sigh...

Let's see... what have I been up to? Hrmm... Gigging, rehearsing, teaching... the usual... Oh, went to see Meinah off at the airport too... Met up with Melvin as well (no that's not him, that's skippo and me at nando's)... Went to chinatown and hagendas... however you spell that... seems to be doing good... been out with friends and stuff as well... here are some pics....

By the way, I've been starting to get back into real transcribing... like the really really hard solos and stuff... haven't been doing that in about a year... and guess what... I shoulda done it earlier... my playing has improved! It's just these everyday distractions...

Well, I have to admit it... I do miss Singapore! Very much... Look I'm talking like a brit now... AHHhhhhhhhh!!! MUST STOP!!!! LOL! Haiyo... anywayz... I have to go and do my hair now... the barbers here are crap... Oh... the funk band is going well too... Trying to get some gigs soon... if there are photos... I'll let you guys know ^_^

Ta

You Go To My Head

2007-01-05T00:54:00.000+08:00

Ok... So I finally have time to sit down and write about Christmas and New Year and blah blah blah... Uncle, Aunty and cousins came over to stay at our place in Basingstoke and then go to Wales... Wales was cool... besides nothing to do all day indoors, we did go cliff climbing and stuff like that... next to the seaside... I wrote words in the sand... the beach was nice... raining though... nice country... also feeding the ducks and seagulls by the docks... quite a nice change from learning about m7b5s and X flat major augmented #79 b 25... you catch my drift...

Church was the same again... same old people with their same old groups... sometimes I wonder why people go into this fake accent when they pray... I mean... just TALK normally! urgh... anyway... I watched BORAT at my friends place... it's soooo disgusting... please DON'T go and watch it... it aslo poked fun at the church.... BORAT pretended to be a homeless guy, everything taken away from him and all that... went into church and started 'faking' deliverance... It just dawned on me that for the unbeliever, a protestant church can be really scary... cos when it comes to the songs and you know all that expressive stuff (not saying its wrong), one can be unsure whether or not he/she wants Jesus... Here's the clip for a touch of harsh reality for you...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2tVPl-g3OM

That explains what I'm trying to say a lot better than I can... comments? Anyway, I've been drifting a bit... Better start concentrating on my studies again... I haven't practiced in 2 weeks and a bit... Oh well... I need inspiration and I need it soon... Oh yea... my friend's friend got murdered just a few days ago... and one of my other friend's dad died... harsh times... Just hope this new year is gonna be better...

Hoping...

I Didn't Know What Time It Was

2006-11-28T01:12:00.000+08:00

Ok... Life is throwing me all sorts of stuff... Mostly Good... Getting calls from singers and stuff... giving me the same lines... hey, let's work out some songs and we can do gigs in London bleah... and more and more students... help!!! Actually it's kinda cool cos one of my students works in the dance industry and is friends with DJ Byden in Zouk so getting connections... yay... more connections thru myspace... which I joined... like the UK and US version for friendster or something... lol... Jamming sessions are fun... I needa go for a haircut... maybe I'll dye it with a red on blond pattern this time haha... blue fades to grey... anyway... I miss home... And I also have to go for a band rehearsal now... gah... these 3 months seem like an eternity... Not kidding...

What's today again?

I Got It Bad (And That Ain't Good)

2006-11-07T06:00:00.000+08:00

Ok so maybe I've been neglecting this for a while... One minute your life is fine, the next minute you're coasting downhill dreading that inevitable crash... what kills me is the anticipation... not the actual impact but the fear of the unknown...

Rollercoaster weeks... Had a tussle with a few band mates on Monday... i.e. different opinions, rude remarks, etc... today was a bit better... anyway... getting another assignment tomorrow... busy busy busy... teaching, getting paid... good and bad... going out meeting new people... and you know how it's like accomodating them in your life... meeting old friends... working with a few people... getting asked too many requests... studying, not studying... relationship problems... church visions... fasting... overwhelmed... see what I mean, I can't even construct cohesive sentences... I need to pray... or at least try to...

Lord I need to know that you are real
Lord help me through this period
Lord I need rest
Lord I can't keep sinning like this
Lord thank you for the blessings
Lord take away these feelings
Lord I want to do your will, my flesh is so weak, help
Lord meet me tonight in my dreams
Lord help me soon before I die from the inside out

Haunted Heart

2006-10-11T22:34:00.000+08:00

Half past 3... 4 hours after I'd woken up... No class, no social activities, no life... well it was dead quiet anyway... odd aeroplane flying by and a few birds... that's about all the noise there was... procrastination reeled it's familiar face again... I decided not to give in to its taunting...

I hate writing... much as I want people to know what's going on in my mind it sometimes kills me... figuratively speaking... Come on do I really have to explain that... ah well, people surprise you at times... Even the ones you thought you knew well... They're always gonna have some flaws... but who am I to judge right?

Summer was great... as you can tell from the 20 kilos I added to my already sturdy frame... well yea... whatever... Met old faces, met new faces, the story's the same and pretty mundane... I shan't bore you with the details... there are a couple of pics to keep you entertained...

Humans... A paradox... An eternity isn't even long enough to try and understand them... or what I just said... anyway read on if you don't mind my pessimistic rhetorical ranting and where the heck this is leading to... Where on earth is my life leading to that's what I wanna know...

Church... my experience goes way back to when I was a kid... I've probably seen things other people (those not in church) haven't seen... Spiritual, physical, etc... you catch my drift... Sometimes I wonder why I'm even attending church in the 1st place... what IS church? It used to mean something when I was a kid... but then again I was a kid... and I'm not really sure if i can use the phrase "REALLY mean something"... I went to church partly cos my parents went and mainly for the reason that I could see my friends and catch up... yea school was that bad but that's a different story...

I always wonder what it's like coming from the "outside"... A lot of the time I find secularism more alluring... gasp! shock! horror! I'm not the Jordan you know... Shut up and listen... it matters... By the way that's Frank in the pic who actually bothers to talk on my wavelength, Sunday's in Basingstoke... Every time I go there I begin to feel depressed even though I was alright back home... A "normal" conversation would be... and this is only if you catch people's attention...

"Hi"
"Hi"
"How are you doing?"
"Pretty alright"
*Insert awkward silence 1*
"So, what are you doing now? Are you in your 1st year uni?"
"Nope, 2nd"
"What course are you doing?"
"Jazz"
"Are you enjoying it?"
"Yep - (States why, too long to type in here or rather I can't be bothered)"
"Well that's good... It's good to see you here" (Cue for him to exit or something)
"Er well yea... thanx" (I'm thinking, "yea right")
"See you next week"
"Yep, ok"
*Insert awkward silence 2*
(Walks away and starts talking to other person next to me)
Next week
"Hi"
"HI"
"How are you doing?"
"I'm alright how about you?"
"I'm alright too"
*Insert awkward silence*
"So..."
OH MY GOSH HERE WE GO AGAIN WEEK IN WEEK OUT

Yea, pple that KNOW me, know I'm not easy to talk to... One worded answers sure ain't gonna get you a lot of things to talk about... but then again... I loathe small talk... what's the point... The sky is so high... um, yes... SO??!!?!?!? here... a picture of the sky for you... I admire the beauty in nature and everything but there are times when stating the obvious just becomes stupid... not nature though, I love nature... it's humans I can't stand... well some of them... who am I to judge? I can't stand myself sometimes...

Being in church practically all my life, it's like people go to church to be entertained for the weekend... yea social highlight of the week... Sort of like a social club for the bored on Sunday... Music plays on... I get a pamphlet stating the order of service... ok... not much different from a concert of some sorts... Let's all bow for a word of prayer... heads go down, eyes close, I have no clue how many people sleep...

Are you ready to worship the Lord... textbook answer... yes... I said ARE YOU READY TO WORSHIP the LORD?!!! YES!!! Wait what happened to praise? Ah I'll think about that later we're singing... open the eyes of my heart Lord... hey that girl over there looks kinda cute... what is the guitarist doing... oh gosh the singer is outta tune... Focus Jordan focus... Hey Jordan I are you going for lunch later... huh? er yea... *goes back to singing quickly* To see you high and lifted up, shining in the light of Your glory... Mindless empty singing... the tune's great... nice melody, nice chords... now let's move into a time of worship... whoo emotional high time... Hail the Sun of Righteousness! Light and life to all he brings, Risen with healing in his wings... hang on what am I singing about... Jesus has wings? sounds like a chicken with a medical degree... Okay this is just an example... It really comes from Malachi 4:2 "But unto you that fear my name shall the Sun of right-eousness arise with healing in his winds; and ye shall go forth, and grow up as calves of the stall." "Wings" here means the rays of the sun. So Jesus rises like the sun and his rays heals us... still... I'm wondering what non-believers think about that cow bit if we did ever rip out that section of the Bible and started singing it out of context... Get my point yet... Have we all stopped telling lies and started singing them since we became Christians? How many of you have vowed to change the nations or come back to the heart of worship... Again who am I to judge?

Lifestyle... I can't say mine's any better... but it sickens me to think a few pastors, worship leaders, people whom a lot of the congregation look up to, live a secret life behind the Godly facade... No offence to anyone out there whom this does not apply to... I have seen it with my own eyes too many times however and it shakes my faith little by little...

Lord we worship you today... blah blah... *insert buzz words and cliched phrases that you know will work well in a church setting* oh spirit and truth... yea that's a good one let's use that one... next day... hey you got a lighter I can borrow? um, nope, wat do you need it for... A puff... Ok... Who am I to judge?

I sometimes feel God's being used as a means to justify one's decisions in life... so what are you gonna do after your studies? Not sure see where the Lord leads... Oh we knew that it was meant to be that the Lord brought us together... Hey I don't think it was a coincidence I think God put me where I was at that time so that I can do this... yada yada yada... I know people who blog about their woes and as the entry tapers off, it goes something like this... I know God is gonna see me through this time... *insert relevant Bible verses here*...

I fear saying stuff I don't mean... maybe that's why I give one worded answers... I fear acting like a hypocrite... maybe that's why I find it hard to raise unholy hands on a Sunday morning... trust me my life isn't perfect... grace... I still find that hard to accept... what's the point if ya just gonna be sinning every week and ask for forgiveness on Sunday and repeat the vicious cycle throughout your life... or maybe the problem is I can't forgive myself sometimes... I think too much a lot of the time... I don't understand how people can act holier-than-thou when their life isn't even up to scratch... I know mine isn't... and it disgusts me... Who am I to judge?

Yea, do I really think the church is getting more worldly and the world more churchy? my answer is I can't tell the difference anymore... what IS church? And yea I do know that church is not a building lecture so save it for now... friends outside seem to share more brotherly love than what goes on in those buildings every Sunday... Who am I to judge eh? We live in a world where a single death is a tragedy and a million is a statistic... Society for you...

Anyway, I'm too tired to think about all the things I wanna say... there's a lot more where that came from but for now the silence has been broken... I can't take this crap anymore...

I refuse to be another statistic
A man who can wine and dine in the sin of the world and still be considered a Christian
I plan on being great, I care not to be less
I refuse to wear a barcode across my chest
I refuse to let a black tee or throwback jersey define me
I refuse to let my children witness divorce or make mature decisions in court
I refuse to grow up carrying a generational curse
I refuse to feel the need to curse in my verse
I hate being automatically looked at when somebody ask, can anyone rap?
I wanna be a man who can flip it from urban to corporate measures
A man who doesnt gain knowledge of the world for his own pleasures
A man who risks life to the fullest with no regrets
My only regret is the stigma that many statistics in the past have said
Like; going to jail,
bragging about bail,
leaving our kids,
cussing at church, married and you still flirt,
no father person at birth, animosity within the ministers in our church
I refuse to let my people be viewed as temporary
I plan on planning on seeing not for the moment but for one that is legendary
As for statistics, my Father broke the mould and I feel it's just my job for the next generation to continue in it
Cos I refuse to be another statistic

May Dance

2006-05-23T18:01:00.000+08:00

Ok … I’m only typing this on Word cos the internet in my halls isn’t working… Will post this up later… Anyway… it’s summer here and all the heaters in the halls aren’t working… what makes it worse it’s been raining for the past few days… brrrr… I’m wearing like autumn clothing indoors… lol…

Hrmm… exams were good… 1st year is over now!! Whoohoo… yea… erm… still sleepy… usual stuff… rehearsals in the afternoon and gigs at night… getting paid though so I guess it’s alright… Can’t wait to get back to Singapore and feel some heat… never thought I would say that… haha…

Er… hope I get a place in the halls next year too… they said offers would be given out this week… hrmmm… if not… I might have to find a place outside… found an alternative lodging with a few of my friends in case I’m not able to stay inside halls next years… but it’s tentative… quite close to uni though…

My hand’s are really cold… brrr…. Hrmm… I think I’ll go and find something fun to do now… dunno what… lol… ok anywayz… cya you people in Singapore in June…

Ta…

Joy Spring

2006-05-16T16:23:00.000+08:00

One more exam to go and that's it... I'm done for the year... Went by pretty fast tho... well... time flies when you're having fun... I know... it's cliche... bleah...

Went to Sheffield for celebration Sunday... drove up in a 9 seater... lots of space and comfort... Good time... then had an exam on Monday... thought it was at 9am... Got to the music block at 8am and found out that it didn't start till 10 am... urk... practiced for about an hour and a bit...

The exam itself was really long cos it was a performance exam and everyone had to be assesed TWICE... My class is a class of at least 35 students... and if each performance is like 5-10 min long... you do the math... We ended like 5 pm in the afternoon... Saved a near catastrophe in my first performance... but was really pleased with my 2nd performance...

Ok so after that, I had to play for Gareth's (Trombone player) thingy at night... with like all the third years and stuff... quite intimidating... Didn't really like my solo that night but everyone seemed to say it was good... so... not complaining... Then I had to get groceries, got back to bed at 12am... there ye go... left my room at 7 am that day and got back at 12 am... 17 hours of non-stop music and blah blah... life of a jazz musician eh?

Resting...

Cherokee

2006-05-09T17:21:00.000+08:00

Everything's moving by so quickly... Anyway... had my aural exam today... was supposed to be 2 hours... did it in about 25 minutes... triple-checked and all... heehee... yea... amazing how busy I still am even though I've done all my assignments... Gigs here, rehearsals there... Need a break lol... Well, more income for me I guess... Not complaining...

Went to check out Dominic's studio as well... nice setup... Met Gavin, the guy who works with him... He used to play for like West Ham or something lol... Anyway, might help Dom with his solo album next year... see what happens...

Well, the last thing I feel like doing is writing so... I"ll see you guys in Singapore back in the summer...

BYE...

Doors

2006-05-01T17:54:00.000+08:00

I'm DONE!!! NO MORE ESSAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHOOOHOOOO!!!! Anyway, the thing is... more people are calling me for performances and stuff... which is a good thing... But I needa strike a balance... :)

Not many lessons this week or next... more performances and rehearsals and exams and stuff... I had a couple of gospel style gigs... I can't believe the amount of talent in the gospel community... they've got some really good singers there... amazing... was blessed... truly... got a couple of contacts too... for future references ;)

Anyway, I'm off to play... can't be bothered to write stuff... haha... bleah...

WHEEEEEEE...

Breakin' Away

2006-04-24T05:13:00.000+08:00

Man... back to work again... good thing I finished the bulk of my work before the Easter hols... Just have a few touch up things to do... Which reminds me... Need to get an essay done by tonight... just scoring out a few more things... Holiday was good... enjoyed it :) Came back and had like 50 new messages lol... yea... anyway... had to do this gig with my dad... jazz gig... kinda okay... extra cash... Went to visit Pastor Bright and Miriam today too... looking good... :)

Well, I totally slacked off during my hols, need to work again now haha... yea... going back to SIngapore in June... cya guys then... nothing interesting to write... need to get work done before midnight... hey that rhymes! Anyway...

BYE...

All Too Soon

2006-04-02T05:07:00.000+08:00

This is one of the weirdest feelings I am experiencing right now. I feel depressed... But not for me... For others around me... This is where it starts...

I'm doing my mega long essays and I get a call from my dad about some accommodation thingy... Either that or I called him... I think it was during mother's day Sunday... Only in England do they celebrate it at this time I think... haha... anyway... Miriam was preaching that Sunday about Mother's and stuff... So yea... 1st bad news I get is that my Uncle got involved in a carjack... Thief nearly ran him over... suffered minor injuries... ended up in hospital... loss a lot of money... Main thing is that he is safe... I hope he and my aunt are ok... Traumatising experience...

Midweek, I get an sms from Nyarai and she tells me Miriam's in hospital with high blood pressure... and she might lose her baby... I'm sending out prayer requests... Friday... Baby's gone... I cannot imagine what they must be going through... Especially after a Mother's Day service... Bright and Miriam... Sending out more prayer requests... One part of myself is asking why does this happen to them... they love the Lord so much, they have never failed to show it... and another part of me is telling myself... in HIS time... the Lord's plans... why... we won't know... not at the for now at least... Essays are least of my concerns when something strikes so close to home... and double whammy too... I feel helpless to help them... I know I can pray and I know I can be there or support them... But is it ever gonna be enough...

Help...

Loaded

2006-03-21T19:04:00.000+08:00

Ok the reason why I haven't been updating this blog much is partly due to the lack of interesting things to write about and jazz week last week and also... Lessons from 9am to 6pm... sortta... Was cool tho... with the lecturers playing a gig for us... sweet... learnt lots of new stuff...

Anyway, Saturday and Sunday usual church and stuff... Yesterday we got given another assignment... sigh... another essay... hate essays... Don't really understand how some people can just write like 2500 words and say that they found it difficult to write less... HOW... Someone tell me... lol... I don't like being verbose....

Well, nothing interesting so far... just new practice tips from Nikki Iles and some other 2nd and 3rd year students... Need to go work on my log or essay now... will keep you updated somehow... hrmm... so many things I need to do...

Out...

Wow

2006-03-14T06:13:00.001+08:00

Incredible... One word to describe the emotional paradox I'm feeling right now... incredible inspiration, incredible confusion, incredible happiness, incredible concern, incredible, incredible, incredible...

Thursday was cool... International cafe... Was the biggest gathering of students I've seen so far... Some guys I invited even went for the Bible study... Nice... African Drums Night... Sore fingers... You get the idea...

Friday was rehearsal with Skippo, Jordan and Isaac and a million other singers... well, not really... about 20-30 females that made up a choir... some really good singers... Not sure if Isaac knows I'm NOT actually playing for the gigs... must get things through his head somehow.. lol... And start training another keyboardist too haha...

Saturday was teaching... I video-ed 2 of my students... Not sure how to post on here haha... Msn me if you want to watch... They're improving really fast... Worship prac... oh... that reminds me... still need to type out some more songs... ah... I'll do it on Friday... Had a party at night... Stavros' birthday... cool stuff...

Sunday church as usual... warm... always love being there... then had to go grocery shopping at ASDA... had lunch late... dinner later... don't really know what I did on Sunday also haha... needed sleep...

Monday... eh... wait... that's today... this week's jazz week... packed with activities from morning to evening... some are good... some are boring... but all just drain your energy... feel zapped...

Oh yea... there were a few pieces I've been working on these couple of weeks... in addition to practising and doing some research... Got one down... kinda fun to play... tried it with Skippo and Jordan the other day... had to rehearse a bit 1st tho... haha... then this other Greek guy Alex is actually studying my piece... lol... I'm like dude... go play what you need to practice 1st haha... Don't blame him... it's crotchet = 290... I still find that a bit slow tho... Oh well, lol... Not sure if I'm getting inspiration for new pieces or whether I'm forcing pieces outta my brain... gotta strike a balance I guess... Anyway... been writing some stuff I've been wanting to do a long time ago... last time I guess I had a general idea... at least some of the ideas are developing... anyway... I'm probably ranting to much... better get some sleep...

Bye bye...

Smoke Gets In Your Eyes

2006-03-08T07:20:00.000+08:00

Monday, nothing much, classes and stuff... I lose track of time so quickly... Last Monday I mean... well, the week came by and then went... managed to get some stuff in which was good... work-wise I mean... still got miles to go... there's always tomorrow... yea right... Saturday was cool... got to hang out with my students again... always a blessing... being around the family... church members anyway... actually... the church I attend was very much like the COOS(Woodlands) one I attended from 8 - 16, or something like that... anyway... so much love... one small or big family... depends how you look at it...

Met up with Meinah on Sunday... She's looking for a job here... as a designer... which is cool... We went around Covent Garden checking some of the arts out... One of them was on a meal break or something... haha... really funny... cos that guy doesn't usually move unless you give him coins...

Went back then had to transcribe 14 songs for Isaac... CD drive wasn't working properly so had to wait for Crystal to lend me her CD player... started at 11pm ended at 1am... Tired...

Monday, classes and stuff... Next week's jazz week... which will be cool... but jam-packed schedule... Wrote some fusion piece at night... Thing is I never really finish pieces I write... Cos I don't like them set in stone too soon... oh well, decided I would complete this one... turned out quite alright...

Skippo, Jordan and I tried it out today... not bad... even if I do say so myself... =p Haha... just listen and find out... or something... was in a good mood today until tonight... Well, not in a bad mood now... but just a little shaken...

For the purpose of the individuals' protection... I shan't write any names up here... Here goes the story... Christian Union... All this time, since I joined... I've assumed many things about the Christians in Uni... I assume they all lead "witnessing" lives... if you can get what I mean... like, to reflect God's glory and all that stuff...

Just like a month ago, I saw some gal from the Christian Union smoking... was surprised at 1st... didn't say much about it then... then just recently another guy in the Christian Union started picking it up... And I'm like whoa... ok... something's going on here... That's just the tip of the iceberg... I've talked with him about it... the discussions with him and me is still going on... I'm only writing all this not as a means for gossip... but as a concerned brother who is worried about the lives of his friends...

So yea... on with the story... now... this guy, a guy whom I've sortta had respect for and sometimes gives talks in the Christian Union... Quite posh and you would never imagine anything bad about him... I just finish practice in the music block and decide to go down to the bar, with some of my friends, to watch this karoke thingy... Whole place was filled with smoke... Lo and behold, I see the guy I'm talking about puffing away on a ciggy... My jaw was like doing push-ups and my brain doing somersaults... I couldn't believe what I was seeing... Hung out for a bit there anyway... Shaken... I need a reality check...

Are Christians becoming more worldly or is the world becoming more Christian? My incomprehensible writing for this entry would probably suffice to demonstrate my unbelief for the events that transpired this evening...

Need help and prayer...

Lament

2006-03-02T08:23:00.001+08:00

The real take on my life since I was 7...

Present-Tensity

Shell of encased function falsity. Seek faded footing in grey-space;
Knee-deep-waves, tearing life of disbelief;
[years lost.]
Gone.

Violence in raging release. Hate reveals truth; replace ruthless injustice.
Passion knows pain in righteousness-breeding sin;
Skies burnt beyond brightest star. Uncover love's fall. Shine on eyes close so tight;
Contortion of fair-weathered-faith-everlasting;
Failing recurrent.
Held.
Gone.

Sun rises toward light; disregard black while hands immerse in thickness;
[Lost remorse. Trust. Speak.]
Recede within; glass stare at memories past. See through brick and bone;
fooling analysis; degree of fools judging blind.
Solidify denial in time. Awake to beginning of newest end.
Empty Space. Nothing. Emotion retreating. Regard-standing; Venture involuntary dance of uncomfort.
Starlit glare blinding encased rage. Obsess to fulfill racing storm. Foundation of laughing cries;
Return.
[So young.]
Gone.

Vivid vulnerability. Scream silence at present-tensity suffering indifference;
indifference in paralysis.
Tear from dark to light; light becomes dark. Fear sunset to fire of Heaven earth-bound.
Desire new. Breathe ending. Covered.
[SURGE. COLD. WHITE.]
Gone.

:--:

Trials base lies. Walking rope so fine. Torn. Unravel insecurity.
Outside lost. Shadows; ghosts in awe of chaos. Driven over - down to darkest mirrored calm.
Love knows no time.
Exist in chronic negotiation.
Upset in thought never-lasting.
[Out.]
Gone.

Back. Straight-forward. Riddled in clarity. Held drowning over-head.
Reach out to breathless wonder. Blues, Reds, Greens. Feel so real. Shades drawn long to short.
Curious; Careful; Concealed.
Surrender to life's punishment.
Moments harbor days;
Seconds for feeling greatness.
Glory. Lost.
--Gone.--

You are already famous!
Furious with vision,
nerves crashed upon
hot sharp wordlanes -
reach!

Reach with your bones, your breath, your blood.
Open and explode...

This is ancient.

Honesty is the answer you seek;
you are here to tell the truth -
as best you can.

Moan, mourn, cry the walls away.
Shout glee, dance to keep from
not dancing.
Run in the fields, sing the world's glory, behold
all mystery. Stretch, feel knots unravel, bless
your pain. Chant freedom, god.
You are not alone. Love,
love,
love to keep warm.

Medicine
is a gag for this stuff, and
a damp, dirty blanket, and
sometimes - for better or
worse - a minderaser.
If you want to escape your straightjacket,
follow your voice into the world. It is
your blessing, no matter
how many teachers
and doctors
tell you
It's a curse.

Learn more about my condition...
http://www.pediatricneurology.com/tics.htm
Thankful for friends and family who understand and support me now... Most importantly, God, seeing me through past and present years of ridicule...

You don't know how to miss being normal, you were never really that in the 1st place.

Release... I talk with God and pray and never cease...

Air-Conditioned Jungle

2006-02-27T04:16:00.000+08:00

Ok, I've decided to sit down and actually write a good and thorough entry... well, finally had the chance to... either that or I've just been plain lazy over the last few weeks... still tired tho... So Monday... As usual... it's all classes and stuff... and at night, I went to hang out with Llewelyn, Sam and Leon... went somewhere different from our usual hang out spot... went to get some Greek food! Which was really nice... and then went to a pub with good music... no, not live... lol... We talked about the Isley Brothers and how anyone who wasn't doing the jazz course wouldn't be as enthusiastic about them if we mentioned it... Don't know about you guys... but I love their music... Llew is passing me some of their albums tomorrow... cool...

We had the strangest weather this week... On Tuesday, it rained in the morning and then the sun came out... Shortly after, it started snowing! I went to the practice rooms and it turned sunny again... 15 minutes later... it starts hailing!!! and I'm like whoaaaaa ooookkaaayyyy... Crazy... anyway... global warming for ya...

Wednesday was more lessons... and then Skippo called me for a last minute gig... more about that later... I still need to get my log done... shooting myself in the foot... lol... Ok, so Thursday, rehearsal for the gig on Friday... was sooooo far away from my place... all the way at Wembley! and no, they still haven't completed the stadium yet... lol... I wanted to complain... haha...

We arrive at the tube station, the pastor picks us up... very warm and friendly... I was just wishing it wasn't like one of the church events Isaac invited me to previously... so I was a bit hesitant when I 1st saw like a disco bar section in the front... and further in... and another bar... I was like... whoa... are churches allowed to have that? Could be wrong though... Cos it could be they are renting the place out... Big place anyway... so yea... end up rehearsing with some guy called Isaac Mensah... Very nice guy... but... super singer...

Halfway, through the rehearsal some lady walks in... Lady Carol or something like that apparently... Didn't really like her attitude though... but who am I to judge... Apparently she's promoted lots of famous artistes... i.e. Roy Hanes, Miss Dynamite, etc etc... was kinda hard grinning and bearing it... well, wasn't grinning much =p

So anyway, we got told that Patrick Alan from some famous American Band called The Drifters was supposed to be at the gig on Friday and that we were supposed to back him up... Pressure... lol... yea... so that was that on the rehearsal... more about that later... I went back to International Cafe for some fun and games and also some more Christian discussions...

Oh yea... forgot to say that on Thursday, Skippo, Sam, Crystal and me were like hanging down the corridor of the music block discussing some stuff like that... anyway... Skippo and Sam said they would drop by next week for Christian Bible study led by Shaun from International Cafe... So yea... will be cool...

Back to the gig... Skippo wanted me to transcribe like 6 songs for the next day... I was like... ermm... ok... bit last minute but yea... did it in 40mins... was doing my laundry at that time so it wasn't so bad haha... anyway... we travelled to Wembley again... Did the gig... It was cool... but soooo uncomfortable on stage... half the time the singers didn't choose the songs we rehearsed... impromptu... Skippo needs to learn that it's probably easier to accompany a singer with the drums on the spot than it is chords wise... lol... nah... told him that anyway... he was like... yea we can do that and do that... blah blah... and I'm like... dude... YOU try playing the keyboard... haha... anyway... its good cos when we criticise each other in the band we always make sure no one takes it personally... so... yea...

Met these new and upcoming gospel singers... who were like soooooooooooooo good... It's like those American Idol finalists sortta standard... there was one I met, Andrea or something... super nice... and doesn't have and air about her... Anyway, so this drifter guy came yea... and could tell he had a certain personality... One which I did not take to very well... Are all really famous people like that? I hope not... lol... yea... he had this ability to make you feel uncomfortable on the spot... I don't know him that well so I shan't say much... Anyway, those new gospel singers have some new albums coming out... and that Patrick Alan guy... or Miss Dynamite's promoter... well, whether they hook us up with big names or stuff... I don't really mind either way... See what happens... Anyway, it was a good vibe cos they were like praying and stuff during the show... I remember when Andrea was singing "Eye on the Sparrow"... makes your hair stand haha... I think she also did like a similar version to Fred Hammonds "Spirit of the Lord"... Funky stuff anyway... love playing for anointed singers anytime...

Well, the Surprise is we got paid 60 pounds each... wasn't expecting that much... but cool... someone drove us home... got back about 2am... then slept at 230am... had to teach Anesu and Amanda the next day too... They are improving really fast! Didn't have worship practice cos Bright and Miriam went for some conference or something... So had fun hanging out with those 2 gals... played a few games... blah blah... nice dinner too... Had some time talking about them with Happy (their Dad) when he was driving me back... The character traits are like very similar to me and my brother... almost identical... haha... well... went back... then Crystal came over to my room and offered me like Mars bar IN pastry... Looks weird... but tastes fantastic... I think she's trying to make me fat... :P haha... kidding... yea... then more talk about family and stuff like that... interesting to hear the similarities in the ups and downs of every family... was good and insightful...

Ok, so church today was like without Bright and Miriam... Pastor Newton came to preach... good message... cos I was feeling uninspired this whole week... you know... like... why do major gigs always come along when I'm at my lowest creativity level... anyway... good points about your destiny in Christ... yea... so... was good...

Had to go back for rehearsal with Koko... some Brazilian Rock star who's doing the jazz course lol... just hearsay... dunno if it's true haha... then had to rush and meet my Wen Yu who flew in from Singapore on Thursday... Been delaying the meeting... Fantastic time catching up with him though... hear SAF band isn't as fun as it used to be with all the old kaki... Just got back... Oh, in between travelling I met people whom I don't really like talk to... but I got a chance today... so cool... more relationships developing =D

Anyway, I hope to get some pictures of the gig up soon... and also some a photographer wanted to take for the Middlesex Uni Music Website... Still not up yet tho... lol... anyway... hope that's enough reading material for your week... hehe...

Keep Swingin'

Hearts and Numbers

2006-02-20T02:02:00.000+08:00

Done one assignment!!! Now all I have to do is print it out...still got loads to go... anyway... this week, took more pics... Alex from Greece didn't really want his pic taken ahah... Gareth the 3rd year trombonist did tho... he's really good... very rare to find a good jazz trombonist these days...

Anyway, got bored and took a pic of the orangery practice rooms... somehow it looks like a military confinement unit... not that I know what one looks like... lol...

Took a few pictures of the kitchen when I was cooking too... Just thought it's funny if we actually see a blanket made of fire... or how anyone can attack a fire... because you usually fire when you attack... anyway, I'm being lame... ahah...

Pasted some new pics up in my room too...

Then took some more pictures of Oasis of Life... the Church which I'm part of... I still think Michael looks like Randy Jackson from American Idol... =p Anyway, they all decided to give me a Shonar (Zimbabwean) name today... Tasimba or something like that... which is actually just the same meaning of my Chinese name... For those of you who know my Chinese name, then yall would know what it means... Or if you speak Shonar... you would know =p ahaha... go find out...

This week, more jamming and stuff like that... I actually slacked a lot... haha... Gotta work harder this week =p Oh yes, and I take pics of myself when I'm bored... talk about narcissism... bleah...

Hrmm... Oh yea... Wen Yu and Mei Nah are coming... yay!!! Singaporean friends to meet up with hehe... so cool... friends from the Army... I missed my friend's house warming party... =p well, Nadia didn't call for the details but... bleah... I feel embarrassed... whoopsie... too many dates to remember... let's see... what else... oh yea... Jordan and Skippo might wanna form a trio with me... fantastic musicians and good attitude which is why I like playing with them... Some musicians don't listen at all even though they have a decent attitude... and some amazing musicians are way too you know... anyway... see what happens...

Erm, I think that's it... sorry for the long stream of boring posts... Hope the pics say more than a thousand words...

Everyone's changing...

Parisian Thoroughfare

2006-02-14T02:00:00.000+08:00

I get back to school and we're already being bombarded with a whole load of assignments... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... It's like last semester all over again... except this time... harder... anyway... you guys wanted to see more pictures so here they are... Dominic, Clara, Joel and Johnnie playing around before the lessons started on Monday lol... Oh, by the way... Clara's a Swedish idol finalist... Jam sessions are awesome =D

Also took some of my hall mates... who weren't apparently keen on having their photos taken haha... Bronagh, Mike and Mani...

And here's a whole load of other stuff meant for last year but didn't get round to doing haha... the International Cafe Christmas Party!!!

Hrmmm, other than that, what happened this week... er... nothing much... been at home slacking... should really get some work done =p

Oh, Bright and Miriam are going to have a baby... =D Really exciting... They shifted house as well... Exciting time for them...

Can't really think of any else much to say... hrmmmm... was playing for in one of the 3rd year classes today... not as intimidating as I thought... but still quite... er... if you get me... haha... anyway... I've had 8 hours of lessons today and I need to sleep haha... probably after I jam tonight... see what happens... oh well... I'll leave you with Nyarai trying to take a picture of me and Bright looking on...

I love my friends more than they know...

Anthropology

2006-02-06T03:23:00.000+08:00

Since most of you are wondering what's keeping me busy in the UK, here are some pics of people who keep me occupied everyday of the week... lol... kidding haha...

Being back to school, I keep feeling refreshed... haha... even tho the holiday I had was already refreshing... This term there isn't much coursework... more performing!!! yay... which is what I like... haha... been great meeting my friends again... which is what Monday was all about really...

Well, besides looking at the timetable amidst the mass confusion... haha...

So after we finally figure out what we guys are supposed to do for the week... some of us get together for a jam at night... These are the guys I usually hang out with at the pub... after ridiculously funny jam sessions with me on my sax... lol... still trying... hehe... good players though... From left to right... Leon, Leon again, Me, San, Llewelyn and Sam...

Ok, so obviously Leon didn't want his picture taken... hehe... managed to sneak one in tho... =P Here is what some of the jam session looks like anyway... haha... that's George on guitar...

So Tuesday and Wednesday come and I'm like what am I gonna do today?

More jamming I guess... From left to right... Skippo and Alex, Simon, Nick, Johnnie, Jo, Alistair and Rob, Alex and Jo, Alex, Stavros, Jo...

Guess what I'm gonna do on Friday... MORE JAMMING!!! LOL... haha... actually it was a rehearsal for some gig I'm gonna do soon... Jordan and David...

That's basically my school week... Now for weekends... at church...

oh wait... before I go there...

I met 2 people back in my old church in Basingstoke recently... Lovely couple Frank and SiewKee... Nice to have close friends back home =) Also had a cool time hanging out with my bro again... =D

So Saturdays... I teach 2 kids... Their mum makes delicious food as well... mmmmmmm.... Anesu and Amanda(in green)...

and of course my pay for teaching them... =p

And now... worship and practice at Pastor Bright and his wife Miriam's house...

Well, they share it with Bunny and Grace of course... but all of them are moving out soon... closer to church anyway... haha...

Couldn't really get proper pics of everyone... not everyone likes their picture taken... well, anyway... here are some... from left to right... Kundayi, Portia, Nyarai, Miriam, Bright and Amelia...

Anyway, Hope to get more pics of my life in UK up soon... keeps this thing interesting anyway... =P yea... so... guess that's it from me today...

The ride's only beginning...

Festive Minor

2006-01-30T03:45:00.001+08:00

Right... Time for me to crawl outta my shell and start blogging again... being home was good... except for when my comp crashed just after I finished my essay and the internet was always acting up... whatever...

Have you ever had that feeling so much is happening or has happened to you, you don't know what to write or where to begin?

Hrmmm... well, for one... I've got new friends at back at my old church in Basingstoke... People I can actually COMMUNICATE with in an UNAWKWARD manner... have you ever noticed that the word AWKWARD looks AWKWARD? Never mind.. just a passing thought...

This entry is in sputters... I'm still trying to sort things out in my comp after the crash... yea... so er... oh... the week I was back at Uni... made lotsa good 3rd year friends! Got some big gig coming up or something... but anyway, I got new material for teaching... yay... er.... oh... hrmmm... actually just wanted to ponder over this issue...

I've always wondered about the way to balance between being a person in the worship ministry... where your main objective is to focus all the attention on God and give him all the glory... and a performer... where your main objective is to get people to focus on you so that you can maintain a decent income... anyway just wondering... thoughts floating through my head...

Wanted to post some pictures up but there's something wrong with the PC-Mobile phone link... looks like I gotta set it up again... hrmmm.. yea... anyway... still wondering what to expect tomorrow once school starts... oh crap... that reminds me... I need to type out my homework...

Longing for the next holiday already... =p

500 Miles High

2006-01-03T02:34:00.000+08:00

Back from Hiatus... Did yall miss me? =P Anyway... I'm totally refreshed... Still got this research and listening log to do now... lol... shouldn't be too hard... I've finished my essay!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! 2000 words... Was doing most of it in Scotland and stuff haha! Being back home was nice too! Scotland was a nice getaway from civilazation... or at least as we know it today lol... yea... Met up with Uncle Roger and Auntie Ross, Auntie Lucy and Auntie Joan and Auntie May... Wow that's a lot of people haha... Yea.. Christmas was spent with Frank, Suki, Ricardo and Marissa... 2 young international couples hehe... fun... Anyway... New Year's nothing much... stayed inside to play computer =p yea ok, it's sad... but I was happy hehehehe... erm... we went to visit Bright and Miriam, Bunny and Grace... good time of fellowship... I'm back in the halls for a week before I go back home again... lol... anyway... too many people chatting and emailing me now... haha... gotta go... will update in a month maybe? =p sorry folks...

I'm on vacation...

I Could Write A Book

2005-12-13T18:26:00.000+08:00

As the end of the semester approaches, I retreat to my room longing for home, thinking about the first experiences of university life... the good, the bad and the absolutely surreal... I'm finding it harder and harder to write because I've got too many stories, I don't know where to start... I'm slowly beginning to become unfamiliar with the process of putting my thoughts down on a computer screen... Maybe that's a good sign... Maybe it shows I don't need a virtual place to escape to as the amount of stuff happening in everyday life is rich enough to satisfy my intellectual, emotional and physical needs... Or maybe I just CAN'T write... Anyway, here are some of the many events that happened this week...

Friday... Did Isaac's gig at his brother's bar... with Alex... Isaac's a nice guy and everything but he's just not organized... Anyway... He gave me a suit... just the top... Which is exactly what I needed for Sunday Celebrations and church... Had some real spicy food there too... Miss that a lot... Music wise, no one was paying attention... which is probably a good thing because the songs Isaac chose didn't really go with the atmosphere... Alex's 1st jazz gig anyway... Just so you know... Alex is a really good friend of mine... He's like a music soul mate... someone you can just connect with... he lives on my floor... Anyway, we got back to the halls about 2am in the morning... 20 pounds richer... pretty ok for about doing just 6 songs... lol... transport, food and clothes provided...

Saturday... I went to Happy's house with Crystal to meet the two little girls I teach every week... Crystal helping to teach them in the following weeks cos I'm going back home (BASINGSTOKE) for a while... The 2 kids were so sweet... they were like... NOooOooOooo... don't leave!!! LOL haha... I'm coming back to teach them in Feb anyway... they're really mature for their age... Their mum also cooked us food again... tasty... lovely family... Oh yea and I also learned a bit more of their language... After that went to get some Christmas presents for Pastor Bright and family and met Michael, Amelia and Grace there... Whoops... haha good thing they didn't see the presents in the trolley... bleah... After that we popped by Bright's house... All of them were pleasantly surprised to see us there cos Celebration Sunday was the next day and they were working on getting the food and everything done... Met some of the other church members as well...

Sunday... I woke up late!!! ACK!!! Bunny was supposed to come and pick me up and by the time he arrived here I just woke up... Had to rush to get dressed and every thing!!! So embarrassing haha... The service itself was good I think... Saw Dave and Chris Richards, Jonathan and Sarah Aston who came from my church back home in Basingstoke... Dave was particularly happy to see me cos he said he'd been praying for someone from Basingstoke to be planted in this church... Cos they have a few churches that run across London... And another good friend of my David Hollow, just 22, is going to be in one of those churches... Anywho, I saw the 2 little kids I teach every Saturday again... Had a nice chat with them haha... you can talk with them as if they are adults... but they are just 9 and 10!!! Crystal was well impressed with that... I had to leave early because I had a gig on at night... Wish I'd stayed longer though...

Sunday Night... Met Isaac at the train station... surreal... He had one other guy in the front, all the equipment at the back and I was wondering how on earth am I going to get in... He said just squash up in the front for about 5 mins... OooOOkkkkk... So it was totally hilarious with 2 of us crammed up in the left hand side of the car... and Isaac happily driving along the road... It was actually a church we were supposed to play at... Now, I'm not one to judge the Christian faith... But there was this strong feeling of a cult going on... I did not feel comfortable at all one bit... 1st of all the pastor doesn't say hello or anything like that, he doesn't prayer before service and dare I say, I think, prophesizes superficially... God forgive me if I'm wrong... During worship... this guy comes up and starts playing the keyboard and asks if this other keyboardist can do the song in G... No one stops him or anything... Isaac comes up after worship and performs... Love story and ain't no sunshine when she's gone... but with different lyrics... i.e. inserts of Jesus and God blah blah... and these people are loving every bit of it... surely, there must be something wrong with morality here right? Of course it could be me who totally gets this wrong and if so may I be corrected for it... Thing is... the other musicians that came were feeling it too... Anyway, I'm glad I got to meet Femmi again, the bass player I met from Skippo's band the last time... Also got to meet 2 other guys Salom and I can't remember the other guy's name... whoops... that experience was an eye opener... It makes me think to myself if I'm doing the same thing and making a mockery out of the faith... maybe not as overtly but still... It's a sad state of affairs...

Monday... Samba in the morning... rehearsal for the gig at night... pretty smooth... just tying up loose ends... The gig was ok... Nikki Iles and Malcolm Edmonstone's groups were tight... Rick, the guy who takes us for Samba wasn't there... so we had to go on stage and urgh... some of the Samba groups didn't practise... it was quite embarrassing... I was in one of the last groups... actually... I was in the group that finished the show... Oh well, there was a jam session on in the bar later and I went for that... yes, I did go up and jam... haha Skippo wouldn't stop playing... a couple of crappy endings but otherwise a good end to the night... There was however this guy in the front, probably a second year jazz student, who kept making comments or gestures to express his annoyance at the musical unawareness of some of the jammers... I thought it was unnecessary... I hate arrogant people... they get on my nerves... but it made me think if I'm ever like that... Lord, keep my heart warm and my head cool... Oh, also at the gig before the jam session, there was this guy called Christian... Nice guy... and he plays the piano... man... I've felt inspired again... time to go practice... well, gotta start on my 2000 word essay 1st... dang... maybe I'll do it in Scotland or something haha... yea... well, see what happens... I don't like essays...

Funny thing is, I thought this would be a short entry...

They Say It's Wonderful

2005-12-06T20:00:00.000+08:00

The confusing thing with this week is I don't know whether things are picking up or am I just oblivious to the changes that are taking place around me... Ever since I came here I've been having this vibe of thinking before you do anything... now only problem with that is... If you take such a long time to think you end up looking retarded... Wasting time besides...

The monotony of University life is beginning to get to me... Even with every other great jazz musician's overwhelming talent and inspiration that surrounds me... I never thought I'd see the day I say this... With so many idioms in the jazz lexicon to draw upon, I've begun to feel musically dry... AGAIN... Is this a sign of mental fatigue? Or sheer boredom?

Strangely enough, people seem to think differently... So I play incredibly fast, transpose most songs at sight, got a good grasp of music theory, play several other instruments competently, have a nice touch on the piano, have perfect pitch, transcribe fast, play piano backwards (I find that stupid), write songs, memorise loads of songs... So what... There are many other things I can't do... I don't have excellent rhythm, my metric modulation is totally off, I RARELY practice, I can't play Latin for nuts, I have a penchant for falling back to diatonic scalic figures which shows my lack of inspiration, I never truly listen when I jam with people, I don't teach well, I can't write well structured academic essays and I find it terribly hard to articulate my thoughts when asked certain music questions...

Yet even with this list of things I can do, I find it amusing how so many people succumb to many cliche assumptions... You play fantastic, therefore you can teach me... you can transcribe fast, therefore you must be some sort of musical genius... you have perfect pitch... therefore you're a freak... you can play too many instruments well for your age... therefore you're a monster... I've heard the words, "This guy is CRAZY!!!" far too many times... Word gets around fast in the music world... I think... It's amazing how overrated someone can be... ask me something like, "So what kinda scale do you use over a Cm7b5b9#13?" and I reply with, "huh?" "What was that nice motivic thing when you were playing that free jazz piece?" "I was just playing nonsense, for goodness sake it's free jazz, just play man" "Can you teach me how to improvise by encircling the chord tones?" "I dunno, I'm still learning that myself" "But you were doing it just now" "Was I?, Ok" My point exactly...

Does this mean by me telling you this that I'm arrogant, selfish and maybe pseudo-perfectionist? I hope not... I don't intend for it to be that way... I'm like any one else in this world... I just choose to spend my time exploring music in depth instead of socialising... It's a conditioning of the mind... If I told you I was tone deaf when I was young you guys probably won't believe me... I'm human... I have needs and I haven't really vocalised them in public all my life so I'm doing it now... All I want is to give you a clearer understanding of why I tire of people asking me questions about music almost everyday... and why I may be distant at times I reply... I'm exhausted of living up to people's expectations of me... yes, I get insecure!!!

Case in point, I was at a jam session 2 days ago... Sunday night... chose not to jam and people were shocked... I get comments like, "The monster is staying home tonight", "You feel INSECURE?!", "I wish I was good enough to feel insecure", "Seriously dude, you're not overrated, I know what I heard" and I'm like for the love of everything sane, GIMME A BREAK!!!

I'm firstly, a STUDENT in Middlesex University... Yes, I do gigs and teach on the side... but I'm here for one fundamental reason... I'm here to LEARN... have I really been doing that? No, ever since halfway through term, the learning curve has reached a plateau...

Please understand I'm not here to show off... if you get that impression then you're wrong... saying that I'm venting becomes passe... so take this as sortta a statement instead... whether it stirs up emotions in you or not, that's your personal opinion and I respect that... You don't have to agree with me... This is what I've lived with ever since music became a major part of my life... Not that I'm not grateful for God's blessings... Anyway, someone's messaging me now so I have to go... probably asking about tritone substitution... sigh... back to reality...

Facade, Charade and Masquerade...

'Round Midnight

2005-12-03T06:16:00.000+08:00

I never fail to laugh (and be a bit embarrassed most of the time) at my own inner thoughts sometime after I write them down... Looking back at some previous entries, I guess I never really know what to write at all... Maybe I just write for the sake of writing... looking for something to do when you have nothing to do or when you're procrastinating... whatever's going on in my mind just happens to be penned down...

Anyway, I want to tell you about the events that took place after Wednesday's pseudo-depressive state... Helped a guy in my course called Dominic write a song... He's an up and coming producer and a Christian brother... He says he'll pay me my share once he gets the CD produced and everything... Oh well, see what happens with that... I know I can trust him... International Cafe was kinda refreshing... I guess... I dunno... seems to me like nowadays, I feel like if I'm not doing something, I'm not being productive... something inside me is not at peace... could this be a sign of workaholicism? If there is such a term...

Today was kinda alright again... I seem to be getting know more people day by day... Especially the 2nd years whom I don't know who just come up to me and start chatting... Yea, had a rehearsal with Isaac and some of the other guys for that Christmas Jam thingy... I guess I'm gonna have to rehearse that "go under piano, play piano backwards and cross hands" gag... Useless party trick for ya... I find it stupid... Most people find it amusing... I think real innovation comes from a guy like this... just checked him out today...

www.jongomm.com

That's the link... It's a cool web page!!! Wish I had something like that haha... anyway... Oh, I also got called for a gig maybe next Saturday night... Paying 50 pounds... Might do another gig the Friday before as well... that's if they don't mind me skipping a rehearsal on Friday for the Saturday gig... Ok, I'm not making any sense... I'm mainly writing this down as I think... But yea... I got a new student on Wednesday... Goodness, there are so many things to do... Well, hopefully can relieve stress by playing foosball on Sunday haha... Miss playing that...

Sigh, well I'm teaching the 2 kids tomorrow again... Tomorrow's gonna be slightly more challenging than the previous weeks... Man, these next 2 weeks are gonna be more than busy... Well, I can't deny I feel lost... Or maybe a bit overwhelmed... But I know God's gonna see me through... Somehow... I'm still looking for my smile...

Picking up the pieces...

Darn That Dream

2005-12-01T06:55:00.000+08:00

I'm dead... gone... tired... overwhelmed... I've been sitting here at my computer screen for what seems like an eternity, wondering where on earth to start writing about this past "emotional roller coaster ride" week... Maybe I'll start with Friday... since it's a good place to continue from where I left off last Thursday...

Friday started off really well... Went in to the recital hall to practice a little bit before the lesson... Halfway through my practice, this lady comes in and asks me if she can take my picture for the Middlesex University Music Website... I'm like... yea... ok... sure... snap, snap, snap... she's not done... took about 15 mins to take like dunno how many pictures... anyway... she still hasn't emailed them to me yet... cos I wanted to see how it would turn out... ok... she leaves and I carry on practising...

5 mins later some random gal comes into the room starts chatting me up and I'm like who on earth are you... ok yes she was pretty (yes she did catch my eye before but never really talked)... but still... erm... yea... then she starts asking me questions like some sortta interview or something... then asked me to play something and she starts singing... so did that... People start to come in... she asks me for my number... gave it to her and she says she's gonna stalk me... and I'm like what?! Ok nvm... Radio Programme Presentation was dead funny!!! HAHA!!! People said they enjoyed our group the most but anyway... some stupid thing about Kenny G... Had a party at night too... Chaya's birthday party, that was fun... Besides the stalker asking me random questions via text messages...

Saturday was fab teaching 2 kids how to play piano again... they are really intelligent and sweet... Their mom cooked me like so much food... I was bloated!!! Anyway, then it was worship practice... refreshing... actually, every time I go to Pastor Bright's house or meet up with any of the church members I feel, I dunno... like the worries of the world just fade away...

Sunday was awesome... played for the other church that used the premises after us as well... in that building that we rent out... stayed a whole day at Pastor Bright's house like I always do... and we started discussing worldly issues vs biblical issues... Was really insightful!!! man, I love those... oh yea and stalker gal keeps texting me again asking if we should meet up to work on some songs... blah blah... yea guess so... ok I admit to being a little attracted as well... anyway...

Monday was whoa... a full day... Mentally draining... Let's skip that for now...

Tuesday, meeting up with that gal... since I know you people are still reading this and wondering about it... Had a fun time... Couldn't find a practice room so we were like listening to songs in my room instead, trying to figure out chords and stuff... She also starts singing and going on about relationships and stuff... about guys not being good enough for her or that she gets bored of one guy and you know... went to find another practice room later to start working on the songs... she was a bit touchy feely... something in my heart told me to wait... and not act on anything... though some feelings were burning inside me... Today I thank God I obeyed him... And He showed me a clear sign... cos I was kept asking Him to show me if it was ok to pursue this...

Maybe she was desperate or maybe not, I don't mean to judge... Yesterday she said she was going to a friend's place... A friend she said she didn't have anything going on with... so I was like a bit suspicious... cos they like always hang out together... Anyway, I was practising some songs with her and another guy... and that friend of hers is in the other room practising... few minutes later he comes into the room and starts to listen... and in my peripheral vision I can see both of them kissing while this other guy is belting out love songs... well, I guess you can imagine how I felt... I feel better now getting this off my chest actually... thinking about it now logically... but yea... an issue of trust there...

Anyway, I made friends with her new found boyfriend... Then we all had a rehearsal/jam session around 5pm... Ok before I tell you about the jam session... background info... When I 1st came to Middlesex University, I vowed not to get into any relationships so I could concentrate on my studies... Now with this thing happening, I can honestly say it did distract me for a bit... amazing how much can happen within the span of 5 days... maybe I gave a piece of my heart who knows... anyway I'm so glad there was a church worship practice tonight... because I needed support... Just got back actually...

So anyway, jam session... all my emotion went into playing... stalker gal is in the corner watching everything going on as well... That includes clapping from passers by at the end of the song which we jazz musicians don't usually get, disappointed faces when I had to leave, intrigued guys who would come stand by the piano to watch my solos... just trying to illustrate my point... little did anyone know though that some of the best music I made, I think made tonight... Might be more to come... hey can't a person vent once in a while... Sometimes I grow tired of this facade of performing... Almost everyone in my year and some from the upper years who know me assume I'm alright... I can't figure out who's the real me anymore...

Ok, all this may sound childish and immature but it's late, I'm tired, I need a listening ear... Way too many people asking me for favours... teaching and gigging don't really help me relax either... A relationship right now might also add to the busyness... Nobody likes getting their heart burned... why did God chose to show me this lesson at this time? I'm not sure... Does he have a plan for my life? I'm told he does... Do I believe any less in Him? Don't think so...
Well, I feel better knowing I have such support from Christian brothers and sisters... Anyway, I think I'll retire now to bed where I can escape to dream... My wait continues...

Someday I'll Know...

Inner Urge

2005-11-24T19:05:00.000+08:00

Searching through the pages on the internet for some example how to start a biography, I chance upon Jeremy Monteiro's Blog... In essence, what struck me the most is how often we assume celebrities are on some higher level of existence and not down-to-earth enough to approach or talk to... Here's the page to prove that theory wrong...

http://homepage.mac.com/fingerz/iblog/index.html

Well, that aside, I'm still trying to find the time to actually start on a personal webpage!!! Like an online resume... Anyway, stupid assignments... Got handed another one on Monday... 2000 word essay... I hate writing essays... It's so time consuming... Couldn't sleep on Tuesday so I thought I might as well finish it on Wednesday... Might hand it in tomorrow...

Keeping busy with teaching as well... Speaking of which, it was my 1st time teaching 2 young kids how to play the piano last Saturday... and my 1st time trying ox tail... mmmm.... Ok the 2 don't connect but whatever... I need to plan my time wisely haha... More people want me to teach them, I need to practise, jam, study and do assignments, also practice for church and stuff, play for a few gigs maybe... I need a break!!!

Strangely enough, I headed out to the pratice rooms last night in an attempt to work on my piano playing but got distracted and jammed with 2 of my friends, Leon and Alex... Did that for a while, went into another room to start practising but ended up composing instead... Haven't composed in about 2 years... Long time... Inspiration strikes at the weirdest times...

Anyway, I think I'll try to work on that biography or piece soon... Need to relieve stress!!! hahahaha... I miss playing foozball and captain's ball!!!

Focus Jordan, FOCUS...

Easy Living

2005-11-16T22:19:00.000+08:00

Got 3 assignments out of the way... I think there are still 2 essays, one research log and a radio program left to do... 3 things... or might before haha.. I don't know... anyway... I had a piano lesson with Peter Saberton yesterday... He said every 1st year is supposed to do a transcription of an artist's version of a theme of a tune... ok... yea... quite confusing... The thing is I thought he meant... do that AND the solos... So I did like 15 times the amount required!!! LOL... But oh well, might as well finish the whole song... Coulda done something else instead of that though... haha... anyway...

Had to teach this singer as well... Good income =P Might start teaching a few more people... hehe... Then I don't have to go out to work... Just dreading the essays though... Church, Christian Union and all are still great... I'm also learning a bit of Spanish and a bit of Shonar... One of the Zimbabwean languages... I should be concentrating more on music really... Bleah... Anyway... Not much from me... Just can't wait to get back home in Dec...

Off to do something interesting...

Stairway To The Stars

2005-11-10T21:14:00.000+08:00

BLAH.... SO MUCH TO DO... OVERWHELMING...

Well, not really overwhelming but... you can see where I'm coming from I hope... Easy stuff... but loads... anyway... it was fun spending time back home... now I have more work to do... lol!!! YARRR... My cargo arrived too!!! Didn't realise I had so many things... and I got my Saxophone!!! wheee... Had a Jam yesterday with a few guys...

I've also been asked by about 5 - 7 people if I could teach them... well, see what happens... haha... I'm still trying to work out my rates... 8 pounds for half an hour? hrmmm maybe... could be good income... if it was weekly...

Other than that... I'm thinking of starting a new blog/website.... for a biography.... blah blah blah... anyone got any ideas how to go about doing it? Somewhere where I can post up photos, music, gig events, the works... ya... so.... maybe I'll do that soon... but 1st gotta study... =P

It's becoming like Singapore again... LOL...

Drifting On A Reed

2005-10-29T18:25:00.000+08:00

I should probably be transcribing or reading right now but I need a distraction... The weeks seem to fly by when you have so much to do... It's ridiculous... I think I learn more in a week now than 3 months previously... Anyway, I'd better get back to doing some work soon so this is gonna be short...

Had a scare on Wednesday... My online friend lives in Florida... and the Hurricane Wilma hit the area on Monday... and I didn't hear anything from her since then until yesterday... what a relief... I was really worried... Thank God nothing tragic happened... Most of the town there is out of power anyway...

Well, other than that... my other main concern is this radio assignment that was given to ask like 3 weeks ago... and my group still hasn't done anything about it... hrmm... better get other assignments out of the way 1st... yea...

Oh... might be going back to Basingstoke next weekend cos my cargo has arrived!!! yay!!! I can practice my saxophone now and get some fake books as well... ok... better get back to studying... trying very hard not to get complacent...

I'm off...

Dreamsville

2005-10-22T23:01:00.000+08:00

Pictures say a thousand words... I don't feel like writing today...

Hot House

2005-10-19T20:50:00.000+08:00

Ah.... Busy busy busy!!! Had a house party at Brighton with the Christian Union people over the weekend... great fun... good teaching... or insightful at least... Then on Sunday I went to Hillsongs to meet up with Melvin, Michelle, Amanda and one Michelle's friends... Sam from my course came along too... Then after that we went to All Souls Church which is where Melvin and Amanda go to... Michelle and her friend didn't join us though... yea... had a scavenger hunt... then Sam abandoned me halfway!!! Guess he didn't enjoy it haha... cos we were split up into different groups... Met him and the Christian Union people again at night to go to Holy Trinity Church!! Waaahhh... Tired sia!!!

And now I have to do so many assignments plus practise and also read!!! hahaha!!! Then I've also got this radio program to do!!! Good thing I finished one of the assignments already... that's due in a month... lolzz...

Oh I also had my piano lesson the other day!!! I thought the teacher was stealing some licks from me when he said... show me what you did there!!! hehehe... well, at least I took back something to practise... he's good thought!!! haha... Also helping out some 1st years understand various aspects of the subject... Oh and I've been jamming with a few people too... Seems like I'm getting noticed... hehe lolzz... bah... I want to learn more!!! Erm... I'm teaching Crystal how to play pool and play church songs too... ok that was random... haha...

Anyway... I better get back to work... sorry if this is a crap entry... hahaha... erm... byeee....

Cya...

Autumn Leaves

2005-10-12T21:24:00.000+08:00

Weather Report... Fall...

There's something to be said about the timeless melody, harmony and rhythm of the title song... No doubt the most overplayed piece in jazz repertoire, there's vast freedom in fresh improvisatory approaches to its simplicity; all while maintaining some form of structure... and I keep coming back to it just like a jazzer to his blues roots...

This past week has been nothing short of a blessing... I've had a fantastic time with friends and all... and the strange thing is music's not the core reason... there's no greater joy than serving the Lord :)

Where I left off from last week... had a great time at Christian Union again... Met a few more people... Over the weekend was worship prac and church... Oh... I also checked Skippo's band out... it was nice and all... but I didn't join it cause of financial and practical reasons... It was hard to give up the opportunity...

I'm going to Brighton this weekend... Christian Union House Party... should be fun :) and on Sunday I'm meeting Melvin, Michelle and Amanda!!!! heeee... Might meet with Nadia if she's free too... Anyway.... that's what I've been doing mostly... Oh yea... International Cafe on Thursday nights is kinda fun too :) good outreach opportunities...

Speaking of which... from time to time, my halls mates get into discussions about religion and stuff... God's opening doors :) And other than that, I usually spend the whole day at Pastor Bright's house on Sunday... It's good too... cause he doesn't spoon feed the church... It's nice learning the Word of God in depth... with a little guidance... not anecdotal stuff at all...

Anyway... I'd better get back to either practising, transcribing or reading and revising... eeps... :P

You guys stay blessed...

I Had The Craziest Dream

2005-10-04T00:45:00.000+08:00

If the present "me" told the past "me" what he would be doing in 10 years time... The latter person wouldn't have believed it... This week as been, for lack of a better word... "AMAZING"... I can't even begin to describe the wonderful things God has done... But well, gotta start somewhere... lol...

I got every administrative thing sorted out by the end of the 1st week of university... Which was one of my major concerns before I stepped foot in this place... I'm talking about food, uni, fees, registration, yada yada yada... that's sorted...

Next, on the list of my "worries" would be friends in the halls or jazz course... and more importantly, Christian friends... more about that later... cos I want to tie it in with something else...

Church and Christian Union... I think I've written about it my previous entries... but... it's really interesting how all these tie together...

Let's start with induction week... Forgive me if I'm repeating myself from past entries... Met loads of people that week... Even a guy from Singapore!!! Made lots of friends... And of those friends... a lot were living on campus... Had a small party in someone's room after grocery shopping... got to know a few more people there... Met 2 Christians who introduced me to the Christian Union as well... Went to Bright's church that week too... totally blessed... going to start playing in the worship team soon as well...

Anyway, the week lessons start, I meet a few more people from the jazz course, from my halls of residence and from the Christian Union... Hang on just a sec if you think this is boring you...

Now you see, for all my doubts and fears... God knew my hearts desires... and I'm ashamed to say that I didn't trust him enough... I wanted friends, buddies in my course, hall mates, Christian friends and to play with people in a band... well guess what he gave me...

- 2 Christian friends in the halls - Go to church on Sunday with them...

- 3 Jazz Friends in the SAME HALL, 5 Jazz friends ON THE SAME LEVEL in the halls - comprising a full band!!! Piano, Bass, Drums, Guitar, Saxophone, Singer...

- Many other international friends in the halls...

Now this is the mind-blowing one...

- 3 Christian friends in the JAZZ COURSE...

Hold your breath... It gets better...

Of which one of them is in my hall of residence on campus...
Another one produces stuff and wants me to work with him...
And this is the one that takes the cake...

- Skippo... A Christian guy who plays in a band outside of the course... wants me to play with the band... and guess what I found out today... THE WHOLE BAND IS SAVED!!!

And now I wonder why I even had that doubt in me in the 1st place... Cos His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches over me!!!

Me and Skippo talked more about Christianity both before and after our lesson today... It was powerful man... At the end of our lecture, we ended up in a practice room with 2 pianos, playing and singing and worshipping... And mind you, that wasn't in seclusion in some corner at the far end of the building... It was smack right next to a staircase, a staff room, the main lecture room and the walkway outside the building... And it was that time of the day when everyone was in the building as well... People walking back and forth every 5 mins... Unashamed! Can't describe the feeling in words...

Church on Sunday was good as well... Vision... To know Him and to make Him known... That's pastor Bright's vision... Witnessing... Etc, etc... the list goes on... I went with my 2 friends to pastor Bright's house... for 6 hours again!!! lol... Blessed time...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" has taken so much more meaning and depth in my life... There is so much I want to share with you people and many others... these are exciting times... Anyway, I'd better do my laundry now... It's piling up... lol... I hope this testimony (no not the laundry one) has encouraged you...

Carve your name on hearts, not marble...

September Song

2005-09-28T04:34:00.000+08:00

Well, here I go again with excuses on why I take so long to update this thingy... Met new friends from the jazz course this week... some Christian Union thing on tonight as well... Went to the heart of London 3 times already... Gosh, I have to stop spending so much money... The deal with the cooking and music lessons is working out pretty well too :P Free food!!! yay!! haha... Of course not everyday lol... Been jamming almost every other day... and "partying" or "socialising" if I didn't jam... really tired and I have a class tomorrow so that's it in a nutshell... if you wanna know more talk to me on msn!!! lol...

Dead...

Don't Worry 'Bout Me

2005-09-19T02:07:00.000+08:00

So the question on everyone's mind is... how am I getting on with uni? well... for starter's... it isn't as tough as I thought it would be...

I arrived on Thursday... Both my Dad and sis helping me to lug around all the heavy suitcases and all... I was quite disoriented at 1st... but... the student helpers and staff were very friendly and made us all feel welcome... :)

The 1st person I met was Jo... some Nigerian girl who showed me around the campus... Well, my dad and sis were waiting for me back in my room so I couldn't see everything... So after they left, I went on the "official" tour of the school campus...

Now the funny thing is... I go for this tour of the school campus and I bump into this Indian guy called Don and low and behold... where does he come from? None other than Singapore... Studying Philosophy and Writing... So I get to know him... then we have lunch over at the Union Bar... Met one Indian girl, Sonal and another Mauritian Suraya... They weren't 1st year students... Just helping people get orientated... Zac, a Malaysian whom I met earlier and Jo also joined us... After lunch we went grocery shopping at... bought some stuff...

The next day, Friday, I went to the Union bar and had breakfast with Don, Sonal, Suraya and Upma and Barbara... then we had talks the whole day... kinda boring but important... ghehe... also met Arlene from Puerto Rico and Fernando from Spain... Had lunch with this Korean guy, Lee and then Don, Upma, Arlene, Marian and 2 other gals came to join us... and Sonal, Suraya, Jo and Barbara were looking over to our corner wondering why on earth our group was getting so big... wahahahaha!!!

There was a barbeque at night... and I met a few more people... Lots of Malaysians... Nigel, Kelly and Crystal... and Phoebe from Hongkong... had a walk around the campus with Crystal and Pheobe after dinner... doing stupid things like chasing rabbits... lol...

Anyway, Saturday was the tour of London... Met another Mauritian, Chaya, 2 Indians, Ali and I forgot his name :P, 2 Malaysians, Suzanne and Eileen and 2 gals from Denmark and Finland who's names I've forgotten :p

After the tour, a few of us went to get groceries... met another Indian gal too who had just arrived... her name starts with p.... ahhhhh... I can't remember everyone!! Oh yea!!! there was this guy who was listening to jazz in his room... I wanted to find out who he was but his room door was closed... So a few minutes later there was like a fire alarm... and then I met the guy and he's doing the same course as me!! how cool is that!! and he's on the same floor as I am.. ghehehe...

I can't remember all that happened during the past few days cause it's been soooo hectic... haha... All I know is... there are 3 Malaysian gals doing music... that guy Alex, doing the same course as me... and that I made a deal with a few people that if they cook for me or teach me how to cook, I give them free music lessons... so far it's working out alright :)

Today was cool!!! I went to Bright and Miriam's Church and all the people down there were really really really really really really really niceeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!! I stayed to fellowship with them until 6pm and just got back! haha!!! We talked about everything under the sun... It was a really good time!! :) Anyway, I officially start school tomorrow so I will end this blog entry cos I'm kinda tired...

Later ;)

Just One Of Those Things

2005-09-07T18:29:00.000+08:00

WWJD... What Would Jesus Do... Hits that nail right on the head... Thanx for the support Min, Roy and Bryan... I've been forgetting that a long time... 'Nuff Said... Just short entry to remind myself that God is in control of everything and I need to trust Him...

Out...

Why Can't I?

2005-09-04T20:24:00.000+08:00

So what problem do I have now? You might be asking... I'm sure by now you're sick and tired of hearing me whine about my life's experiences... if you do not wish to read the rest of this blog entry... you don't have to... this is just a place for me to escape... ok... maybe the word vent is more apt...

Straight to the points I want to write about... 1st... from previous blog entries... as you might have already read... people being "real" in church.... 2nd... and a new topic which goes in conjunction with this... cliche as it might seem... but excuse me for being melodramatic... being misunderstood by people... mainly by my parents... sure you might shake your head and sigh thinking... here he goes again... selfish old me... is it too much to ask if I just want someone to listen? =D nothing on you of course... sorry to be rude and in your face...

Background information for you in case you're wondering what in the world I'm going on about... Actually it's a whole build up of things... 2 months ago when I came back to the UK for my studies... I had loads of doubts and questions... and I'd be lying to you if I said I didn't have them now... questions like... food, accommodation, university life... but the main ones were finding a church... now to me... that means a church where I feel welcome... If I have to spell it out for you it means... where I can fit in and where the youth doesn't talk amongst themselves in they're cliques... which is what happened when I was previously in the UK before I went to national service...

Coming back... I saw it as something I had to bear with till I went to go find another church... Yes there were thoughts about me being selfish and all... about the whole consumer church thing... where one says what can I GET out of a church... instead of what can I DO for a church... and believe me... I HAVE thought about it... Well, tying the parents thing in now....

What is it with parents that they have to take control of a certain area of your life if they think you're not doing anything about it... ok... so maybe it's my fault for not telling them that I didn't wanna join some other church in London... Cos we've only been there like once or twice when our family's regular church wasn't in session... So listen... they hook me up with some guy I totally don't know... say things which imply that I WILL be going to that church... and get invited to cell group and all... now for all they're good intentions... and their "strong encouragement"... I keep sensing a feeling to go to the other church... and yes... I HAVE thought about whether it is God's will... or whether it is my own will getting the better of me... well... may be my fault for not vocalising the issue to my parents...

So why don't you? you ask... for one... my mum likes to talk AT you... instead of to or with you... which doesn't really leave much breathing space for me or anyone if you think about it... My dad... listens... but has his own ideas... it's not necessarily an "in one ear out the other" sortta thing... but more like an "in two ears, out the mouth in a different version from the original"... now don't get me wrong... I love my parents... I just wish they would listen PROPERLY sometimes...

Coming back to church... I've been to EEC... the church where my parents "decided" for me to go... somehow it lacks warmth... excuse me if I'm wrong... and don't think for one moment that I'm not battering myself over my attitude towards newcomers when I was back in Singapore... cos I feel terrible now... anyway... this other church... I've been praying in my heart for God to give me some sortta sign... I didn't want to talk to anyone about it... or anything cos I didn't wanna push for my own agenda... I'm just as confused as you are now... anyway... Jonathan Aston's wife came up to me today... and I didn't even ask her about anything... She asked me if I knew of the church in Enfield... the place where I'm staying during term time... and I think you can guess the rest of the story....

What I'm trying to figure out is... Is this all coincidence... God's signs... or just my imagination running wild again... part of growing up involves making your own decisions... I also know it means... dealing with the consequences... Right now I'm fine with dealing with the consequences... I'm fine with that... I just wish I'd be given a PROPER chance to make my own decisions... and yea... I'm not saying I'm right or wrong...

I'm merely venting....

This Masquerade

2005-08-29T16:59:00.000+08:00

Just a few days of travelling up north on a holiday and observing the beautiful creation God made just left me awe-struck and pondering for days... I took a few pictures of the sunset as well... hrmmm anyway... here's nothing interesting about my life in this post... Just a few short snippets from John Eldredge's "Wild At Heart"

"We are hiding every last one of us. Well aware that we, too, are not what we were meant to be, desperately, afraid of exposure, terrified of being seen for what we are and are not, we have run off into the bushes. We hide in the office, at the gym, behind the newspaper and mostly behind our personality. Most of what you encounter when you meet a man is a facade, an elaborate fig leaf, a brilliant disguise."

"That same sort of thing goes on Sunday mornings, it's just a different set of rules. Dave runs into Bob in the church lobby. Both are wearing their happy faces, though neither is happy at all. "Hey, Bob, how are ya?" Bob is actually furious at his wife and ready to leave her, but he says, "Great, just great, Dave. The Lord is good!" Dave on the other hand, hasn't believed in the goodness of God for years, ever since his daughter was killed. "Yep - God is good, all the time. I'm just so glad to be here, praising the Lord". "Me too. Well I'll be praying for you!" I would love to see a tally of the number of prayers actually prayed against the number of prayers promised. I bet it's about one in a thousand. "And I'll be praying for you too. Well, gotta go! You take care." "Take care" is our way of saying, "I'm done with this conversation and I want to get out of here but I don't want to appear rude so I'll say something that sounds meaningful and caring", but in truth, Dave doesn't give a rip about Bob."

Makes you think, don't it?

Come Fly With Me

2005-08-16T18:14:00.000+08:00

Hallo again... hehe... recently I've been having some doubts or rather hesitation going to uni and doing music... the overwhelming talent I saw from just that last visit, sometimes deters me from carrying on... and I'm not one who likes confrontation of a problem... if I could run away and escape... I would... probably a reason why this blog started... and probably why I've been neglecting anything to do with music... practice-wise...

So one day my dad decides to pop in a VCD of Tuck Andress... virtuoso guitar player... and another of Victor Wooten... virtuoso bass player... and I was completely blown away... well, it put a smile to my face anyway... and I thought to myself... yea!!! This is what I wanna be doing!!! make people happy and enjoy it myself... not to show-off and see who's the fastest player or who can create the nicest licks or play the funkiest groove...

It made me realise the fundamental reason why I chose to take this path in life... Cheesy as that my sound... lol... Anyway, a lot of times ego comes into play and makes you wanna show-off... but what does that achieve at the end of the day? rhetoric... don't answer... haha...

Figured I needa do more listening and be humble when doing so... cos when you listen to steal other people's licks or see if you can play faster... I don't think you're gonna get anywhere... you're just gonna be inept... A quote from Duke Ellington - It's better to be a number one yourself than a number two somebody else...

I'm sick of procrastination and complacency...

Summertime

2005-08-12T19:23:00.000+08:00

Ok... Every time I try and blog it gets later and later... lol!!! hahaha... I'm so sorry folks for not keeping yall updated... Let's see where shall I start... hrmmm... Well, 1st of all.... let's talk about why I haven't blogged eh? haha...

There's gardening I do with my family on and off... and believe me... it's more exhausting than you think... haha... with digging soil and moving slabs... man... you exercise muscles you never even knew you had!!! lol!!! Anyway... I also recorded some stuff on Tuesday.. I hope it's not as bad as my last one... man... how do pple make songs sound radio friendly? lol.... well, ask me if you want the track....

I met Rick at church on Sunday!!! nice meeting him again... didn't know he was Christian... so cool... At least I had someone to talk to... Anyway... I'm rushing this entry cos I gotta eat lunch in 5 mins.... So... will update yall soon again... Sorry I couldn't be on longer....

Learning not to bask in glorified mediocrity...

Sometimes I Just Freak Out

2005-07-30T19:46:00.000+08:00

Haha... It's either I have to many distractions or I'm just plain lazy.... I think the latter would be more apt... There is seriously TOO much paper work in UK!!!! arghgrghrghrghrgrhgrh... So many letters and documents to keep and file... grrrr... and the most irritating thing about it is that there can be loads of information on the documents but none of it tells you anything!!!! Anyway...

Well, my grandparents are here in UK now... so... it's gonna get more noisy in the house... or hectic... anyway... I went to Aunty Lucy's house yesterday... Now I had no idea who she was when I was in Singapore but my parents always said she kept praying for me... So I was like, yea... ok... thanx...

Visiting her was an eye-opener... here's a lady who's joy for the Lord bursts forth from every soul of her being... It made me questioned my life as a testimony to non-believers... She was just like a light shining so brightly in this dark world that we live in... time to get more serious and do away with Christian subtlety... hrmmm... Not much time left...

Nothing much to say now... just thought I might keep yall updated... If you wanna know... I couldn't sleep last night... Listening to Diana Krall now... Thinking about my driving theory test... recorded some stuff... gonna record more... just some random thoughts... Church still doesn't seem that welcoming... cept' for a few individuals... Anyway... I need some sleep

Sometimes I Just Freak Out...

The Rainbow Connection

2005-07-22T22:02:00.000+08:00

Whoa... I haven't blogged in ages... argh... sorry pple... here's what's been happening so far... Been learning how to cook, do my banking, getting a phone, sorting out accommodation matters, blah blah blah, yada yada yada.... the list goes on.... I didn't realise how much responsibility comes with being independent... sortta anyway... haha...

Then there's also the friends I miss back in Singapore... I dunno... somehow the pple down here seem to be less than genuine when talking with ya... Minus the odd one or two... it's a culture I guess... got to get used to superficiality... but who am I to judge right? It's possible to feel lonely in a crowd of so many pple... yes I've heard it all before...

Church didn't seem that comforting either... Sometimes my Non-Christian friends in UK seem so much more hospitable... Nobody wanted to talk with me on Sunday... Even people I knew... I guess people get used to your absence... But even as I reflect on this in pseudo-self-pity.... I think to myself, when was the last time I made a new comer in my old church feel welcome? And I wonder...

Being here in UK makes me realise the many number of steps I have to take towards full independence... it makes me realise how much I take for granted in Singapore... and how much more I have to learn in life... and the incredible amount of responsibility that comes with freedom...

Yes, I like being heard and having the freedom to do what I like... which is possibly why I like the stage so much... on the stage I feel free and others listen to me which makes it even better... very so often I get lost in the moment and forget the facts that brought me here... I forget the many hours I spent practising, the relationships with friends built over time, the many encouragements and put-downs from various people, the months of gigging around for free before breaking into the music scene... etc, etc, etc... kinda reminded me about the motivation and drive I've lost in the last 5 years... I don't wanna remain complacent and procrastinate anymore... but talk is cheap... I'll have to prove my worth thru my actions...

I saw a programme on TV the other day... about this guy who was borrowing money from his parents to invest in his music studio business... and he's borrowed about 40 grand... for the last 10-15 years... and he's 36!!! And I think to myself... wow... hope I don't end up like that... what inspired me was that at the end of the programme he got back on his feet...

My birthday just passed on the 18th as well... I'm like 22 already!!! arghh!!! haha... better stop relying on too many people to do things I could easily be doing myself... better buck on studies too... been neglecting them for quite a while... all this time wasted in Singapore... sigh... needa catch up with the competition here soon...

Watched a Diana Krall DVD the other day... and can tell she's improved ever since she broke into the market... see, even the pros practice and get further up the ladder... I feel so musically dry sometimes... practising is like a chore... but it has to be done... I remember the days after "O" levels when I used to practice for 5-6 hours a day... more or less... haha... but I was practicing the right stuff... not just sitting at the piano plonking out songs I liked... It was real proper practice which I haven't done in a while... I hate experiencing stuff I don't know...

I guess it's all the same... fear of the unknown... fear of not being in control... but I think the most important thing when I'm over here is to have the fear of the Lord... And to trust in Him and lean not on my own understanding... coming over here again has been and will be a really humbling experience... But hey... humility engenders learning because it beats back the arrogance that puts blinders on... quote Wynton Marsalis... heee....

Oh well, guess I gotta be contented with what I have right now and at the same time not be complacent and not be envious of other people... tricky... I wonder if the air is fresher up that for those who made it... then again, there's still the dangerous distance to the ground from such a height... haha sorry...the linkages and emotions in this blog entry are all over the place... hard to absorb the paragraphs as totally different entities... anyway, one thing I can tell you for sure is...

The Best Is Yet To Be...

How Little We Know

2005-07-15T18:59:00.000+08:00

Hey people!!! :) Arrived in UK like on Tuesday and it's like soooo hot here... well, actually the sun's just a bit hotter than Singapore but there's like this cool breeze blowing as well... haha...kinda nice lah... Anyway, I had to get like my uni stuff sorted and all... and my phone done... ooh... yea... the airport was packed with people too... back in Singapore... haha.. thanx for coming guys... :) so big... the group I mean...

Can't think of anything much to type cos I'm like lost for words at the amount of stuff I have to get done and how little I know... Went to check out the Uni on Wednesday... man... it's humongous... Then, the accommodation and the music department... so many pro musicians... it's quite intimidating... haha... anyway... you'll see me online quite often until Sept 15th... cos I won't know if I can get MSN down there... haha... so... see how.... anyway... you guys take care yea... don't miss me too much... :P

I'm off to explore the vast unknown...

Almost Like Being In Love

2005-07-09T09:29:00.000+08:00

Yarrrr... haven't seen me around in a while have ya? haha... well, I've been packing and all... and my dad's back home so I have to do what he says... get stuff ready for the move to UK and all... haha... Anyway... other than packing and all, I've been having like farewell meals since May... haha... yea.. that long... can't type much today... the movers are here...

Last night was rocking.... at CenterStage I mean... like 15 or 17 tables of friends came... it was like my wedding dinner or something... haha... yea... now I just need the bride... but the time will come for that... yea... kinda distracting with all the camera flashes going on and stuff... and didn't have much of a break too, going from table to table... lol... had supper with the church peepz at Thai Express and then went to IndoChine at Clarke Quay to say goodbye to Johnny and Roseanna... Didn't wanna jam cos I had just played 3 hours... Anyway... met up with a lot of old friends as well... Right, I'm off now... thanx, everyone who came last night... It was certainly a night I won't forget...

Well, It's Almost Like Being In Love...

Cry Me A River

2005-06-27T09:38:00.001+08:00

Boo!!! Yes, it's been an eternity since I've last blogged... and I'm sure you guys have been wondering where I've been all this time... at least those who actually bother to talk to me online... bleah... Well, it's quite hard to believe, even for myself, but I ran away from home... no, you heard me correctly... I RAN AWAY FROM HOME!!! No, I did not hide under a rock... So since your ears are all pricked up now... I shall, begin this rather odd tale of a runaway... or run-a-wei... *groan*

The scene begins at a home in Serangoon Gardens while my grandma is away on a mission trip to China... I just came back from church camp and my grandpa is arguing with the tenant... yea... they rent the rooms out to people... so anyway... the bickering progressively gets worse over the next couple of days... And I'm like in my room trying to hear both sides of the story... after a while, I just can't be bothered... So sometimes at night, I ask my grandpa what the fighting's all about... and he more than tells me... stupid mistake... now for those of you who know my grandpa... the thing about him is that he doesn't know when to stop... so I'm like... ok, uh-huh, nods head... I think this goes on about 15 mins... oh well... that's doesn't seem like it's bad but every night?!! and then he also pauses so long sometimes you think he's done... and then starts at it again...

That's problem number one... okay... a few days later my auntie calls my out for high tea at some hotel... Buffet style... we waited for the restaurant to open... so restaurant opens and the people go in... I sit at the table waiting for my other relatives to take their food from the buffet table... turns out that we aren't actually supposed to take the food yet... so we have to wait... it eventually ticked off my grandpa... I thought that was it when he complained to a waitress... Upside though, I had fun playing scissors, paper, stone with my little cousin... ok, tangent... haha... yea... so we finished high tea and then headed for the car park... As we were walking halfway there, my grandpa decides he's not done with complaining... After looking around we find he's at the reception table getting into quite an argument with the receptionist or manger there... I couldn't be bothered...

So why am I telling you this? Read on... My grandma comes back from China and finds out that my grandpa has been arguing with the tenant and starts complaining to me... so in one ear I have my grandpa complaining about the tenant and in the other ear, my grandma complaining about my grandpa arguing with the tenant... arghh... I need peace and quite man!!! That's just the tip of the iceberg...

Ok, so all this stuff my grandpa's going through is rubbing off on me... He starts complaining to me the following week about how I sleep too late... and etc etc etc.... and it was only 9PM!!!!!! I've seen him come back before with my grandma around 2AM!!!!! Sheesh!!! I thought it was just in the spur of the moment verbal attack... I was wrong... Next day was when I decided to get out of the house...

I was chatting with Yi Xian on MSN... said he wanted to play pool... I didn't feel like going out that day... oh well... my grandma was out that day too... so knowing what transpired the night before, she called my handphone 1st... but I was in the toilet so I couldn't answer... so she calls the house phone... my grandpa picks it up and passes it too me... now that might seem normal in any situation but you see, my toilet doesn't have a lock... so he slams opens the door without knocking and hands the phone to me... I was in shock... it was so out of character for him... I decided then that I wasn't going to take anymore crap from him... no pun intended... After that, I took a few clothes, toiletries and left... didn't tell anyone where I was going...

Met Dean along the way to Hereen... then told him about my predicament... haha... then met Joel and Yi Xian for pool... what a laugh!!! we played like 30-ball pool!!!! Hilarious!!! Ok, then we went to Plaza Singapura for dinner and met Justin, Clement, Clarence, Ben, Dan, Jacqueline, Charmaine, Ryan and Charlotte.... some of them just ended the rock climbing session... So after our dinner at the food court, we headed out for the MRT and saw the whole of Plaza Singapura filled with smoke!!! Yi Xian said Dean farted and now we had to evacuate the whole building... lol... anyway, Joel's mum called and asked him if he knew Plaza Singapura was on fire... Joel said he was there and his mum asked him "Wow, What did you do?" hahahahahahahaha..... Oh well, kinda like represented what I was going through that week... my life's like on fire and somehow I still see the humour... what a joke... maybe I'm a joke... lol.... some Singaporeans actually wanted to take a closer look!!! At the fire I mean... bleah...

So yea.... I called Ramu to ask if I could stay at his place... he said he wasn't going to be home this week but gave me some cash and helped me find a hotel that night... so sweet of him... which reminds me... I need to pay him back soon... so after jamming at IndoChine until like 1 in the morning, I headed back to, of all places, hotel 81 that night... what made it worse was that the cab I took decided to take a detour and some road was blocked cos they were like moving floats for national day I think... so we're like stuck on the road watching all these floats pass by us at 2am in the morning... surreal... slept at 230am or around there... didn't reply to my dad's or mum's messages...

Morning broke and the gravity of the situation hit me... I'm like... whoa... what's it gonna be? Here for the whole week? I couldn't take it... I broke down in the hotel room... somehow the fact that no one was there to listen to my whimpers comforted me... I wandered around town, sometimes ignoring messages and phone calls from relatives... Joseph called to ask me if I was having dinner so we ate at BistroSymphony cos Waffletown was cleaning... told him about what happened... he said I could stay over at his place... so I did after jamming at the sanctuary that night... we went a bit earlier cos he wanted me to work on his lyrics... how apt... it started like... "Broken, confused, battered, abused... why is my world crashing over me?" I had to fight back the tears... anyway... stayed over at his place and went to play badminton with Dean, Maurice and Maurice's mum and a few other aunties... they're sooo pro... they like trashed all of us... lol... then it was lunch...

Joseph had to go to school that day so I took the risk of going back home to change my clothes... my grandpa wasn't it... phew... told my grandma I wouldn't be back yet... then I left to eat dinner with Joseph at Waffletown... after that there was this music ministry training at church so we went for that... stayed at Joseph's place again...

Friday was interesting too... Joseph had to go to school... I went to church and wandered around... for like 4 hours!!! Somehow there's always something comforting about being in the church sanctuary... I played the piano for 2 hours until Michael the caretaker chased me out... haha... talked to Moses, the other caretaker, then went to sit in the school canteen for about 15 mins until some guy told me they were fogging the place for pests... went back to sit outside the sanctuary... and Moses comes by again... his stories are really interesting... how he went from becoming a gangster/loan shark to a Christian... you should really listen to his testimony... aight, then went to Waffletown to eat... Met Rev Juliette and soon to be pastor Edmund Koh there... Debbie, Cheryl and Zaneta popped by too so I had dinner with them... After a while, Joseph decides to show up with Becky... then they went for cell and I went for worship practice...

Headed down to the cell rooms after prac and joined them at Caltex for a drink... sometimes I feel like left out of a conversation... no one talks with me... so they decided that they all wanted to go to Ben's house nobody says who's following who... I don't know what's happening so I decide to like head home... Chang drives up by me and asks if I want to follow... so choosing the less of the 2 "evils"... sorry bad analogy... best I could come up with... I decide not to go back home and go to Ben's house and sit at the piano playing and singing my heart out... Chang sent me home around 12...

Went for Xiao Hui's birthday party on Saturday too... they were all in their cliques... felt I was only there just to play a birthday song... like they're using me or something... so I start playing the piano and I get more requests... man, why is it always at a musical instrument I enjoy the company of people... can't people talk to me if I'm not playing an instrument and enjoy talking to the real me... It's as if I or they have created this image of an alternate, cooler Jordan and people only want to be associated with that... oh well, I chose my fate a long time ago... guess I'm to blame for that eh? I dun care anymore what you guys think... so excuse me for being selfish, whiny and melodramatic right now... Why can't someone just listen for once and stop talking, presuming to think they know me...

Sunday was ok again lah... spent some time in the canteen with Jon Ong jamming while Hwai May, Janice and Robyn listened as they were preparing for cell... wrote another song with Joseph too... this time not sooo morbid... haha... then games... after games before dinner, I sat and played my guitar and sang my heart out again... I didn't care if anyone was listening... they all seemed engrossed in other stuff... went for dinner then went home...

Well, if you've read the entire story, I thank you for listening... I also like to thank a few people who've helped me through this rough patch in my life... sheesh... this sounds like an award ceremony...

I thank Ramu, Joel, Daniel, Joseph, my uncles and aunties for giving me the option of staying at their place last week... been a real blessing guys... I thank Aunty Lee Ong and her Mum for praying for me when I stayed at they're place... I thank Minli, Dawn, Raycee, Kenny, Ben, Muiling, Madeline, Moses, Janice, Justin, Chang, Roy, Randy for being the kind, compassionate friends who always give me a listening ear even when you don't want to... the world needs more people like you guys... I thank my parents for loving too much to let me go.... and last but definitely NOT least... I thank God for carrying me through... footprints in the sand... and if yall wanna know...

I'm home...

Fly Me To The Moon

2005-06-18T10:35:00.000+08:00

I went to MediaCorp on Tuesday... Julian was kinda nice to talk to again... anyway... if you ever catch this paranormal chinese drama on channel 8 and see a guy playing the piano... those are my fingers... mwhahaha... yea....

Bumped into a lot of people yesterday at Orchard... Huili, Vincent, Ian, Josiah, Lisa, Aaron and I think that's it... haha... This week's been pretty boring... except for the fact that I went to CenterStage last night and surprised Michelle, Daniel and Ramu... then I went to meet Bryan at Barker and we hung out at IndoChine at Clarke Quay after... kinda got lost on the way but managed to find it in the end... haha... then spent time jamming with the above and this other guy called Sebastian... that night reminded me of what I wanted to do since I was 13... going to UK doesn't seem so bad after all... My dreams are actually coming true... sweet...

Thanx God...

Little Boy Lost (Pieces Of Dreams)

2005-06-13T11:22:00.000+08:00

Hey, I'm back from camp... It was good and I had a great time... Rob Frost was the speaker and I got his son, Christopher Frost's email too... right at the end of the camp there was this reminder by Pastor Malcolm Tan too... He said don't be surprised if you find that at camp everything thing seems so perfect and you're on a spiritual high and when you get back to Singapore there's gonna be a lot of spiritual attacks and you feel spiritually dry... well... here goes my story... and I don't feel like writing much today... I think... haha....

I went for Shine Forth on Sunday and was feeling really sick... it was kinda cool seeing Christopher Frost preach... very refreshing... anyway... I didn't go for games in the end cos nobody was there... and I'm still having this irritating cough and flu... bleah... Also found out that my classmate died... yea... 2nd time it's happened... man... he died of leukaemia... and I just bumped into him some time back during a life run in army... sigh... I'm speechless... here's a song that could be used to sum up how I feel...

Gone Too Soon

Like a comet
Blazing 'cross the evening sky
Gone too soon

Like a rainbow
Fading in the twinkling of an eye
Gone too soon

Shiny and sparkly
And splendidly bright
Here one day
Gone one night

Like the loss of sunlight
On a cloudy afternoon
Gone too soon

Like a castle
Built upon a sandy beach
Gone too soon

Like a perfect flower
That is just beyond your reach
Gone too soon

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight
Here one day
Gone one night

Like a sunset
Dying with the rising of the moon
Gone too soon
Gone too soon

Moment of silence...

That Old Feeling

2005-06-06T10:31:00.000+08:00

Nick Shen is pretty unfriendly!!! Stella too.... some MediaCorp artistes... actually, Julian Hee was the friendliest... so nice to strangers... haha.... anyway... the former 2 only started talking to me when they heard me play the piano... before that, they wouldn't even sit with me during lunch!!! at some hawker center... Julian was ok though, he was talking to me at the wanton mee stall... haha... I was his stunt double anyway...

Well, the day wasn't like what I expected it to be... was there for about 8 hours in total!!! The filming location was at someone's house in Sweetenham road or something... so I actually got to sit in a Media Corp bus!!! lol... there were a few others I saw in MediaCorp too... Mark Lee, Ruping, Tay Ping Hui and the funniest was Chen Liping reversing her Red Mini Cooper so violently I thought she was going to cause one big dent in the curb!!! Anyway, it was an experience... going back them sometime soon to film again...

Let's see, Saturday was rocking man!!! haha... there were so many people at CenterStage too!!! mwhahaha... well, yall should have been there if you didn't go... anyway... a few of my friends and family were there too... there was also this drummer called Jenson whom I got to know... not bad, not bad at all... in fact he's quite good!!! Playing with Daniel again... Oh!!! Alwyn showed up taking pictures as well!!! haha... didn't know he was going to... nice surprise as well!!! thanx dude!!! I owe you one... here are the pictures, kudos to Alwyn...

Yea, so hope I get another gig soon... haha, this is like what I live to do... it's good getting back that old feeling when I 1st started out.... I'm going to have dinner with Uncle Chris and family today... well, time's a ticking... better be off... I don't write that much anymore... to the relief of some... mwhahah.... aight...

Later, guys and gals...

Groovin' High

2005-06-02T09:45:00.000+08:00

What's up people... haven't blogged in almost a week... haha... well... just before I get started with this entry... I want to thank the Lord for the blessings in my life... It's sometimes so easy to forget about God when you're doing well... haha... well, here goes...

Where shall I begin? hrmm... oh... yea... garage last Saturday was fun... gosh, that was so long ago... but yea, good fun... I had to wake up on Sunday to play for ShineForth but I was half-dead... cos that gig on Saturday was like 14 hours!!! Including setting up and packing... and I made the mistake of drinking mountain dew before I went to bed... so in the end... I think I only got about 2 hours worth of sleep... haha... Life of a musician eh... Oh I sprained my finger on Sunday too... sigh... my ring finger on my left hand... and the week before it was the ring finger on the right hand... lol... ok... why am I saying lol... that's not funny... haha...

Hrmm... Monday nothing much... was supposed to have a games session at YFC but the rest of the PARTS (performing arts) people were packing... they're moving office... I had lunch with my cousin Bruno and my 2 aunts Vivien and Sylvia Goh on Tuesday at Marriott... I think I ate too much of the dessert... haha... Anyway, I got a call that night to do some MediaCorp thing tomorrow... So I'll be going down to Caldecott hill early in the morning... arghhh... now must wake up at 7!! haha...

Last night was killer... I was playing for my Uncle Eugene's wedding dinner... met a few of my 3rd cousins there as well... haha... Met Shermaine also... this violinist playing with me... apparently, she knows my aunts... haha... well, other than that... this week's been fantastic... haha... Ooh... I've also been playing this puzzle pirates thingy... haha it rocks... you should go and try it...

It'd be nice if I had someone to share life with... but oh well, the time will come for that... I've read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and "Stop Dating the Church" by Joshua Harris... interesting points... Next up will be Boy Meets Girl... Oh, yea... do drop by CenterStage this Saturday... I'm playing from 7pm to 10pm... check my friendster for info...

Right now, I'm Groovin High...

Somewhere Over The Rainbow

2005-05-27T11:07:00.000+08:00

I really feel like giving up on this blog... I have nothing else interesting left to write... Oh well, here's the low-down on what's happening in Jordan-world so far...

Ok, I can't name the people here in respect of their privacy... but I've noticed that I'm not the only one with problems... As I many of my close friends share with me what they've been going through, I realise that everyone goes through similar problems and we're all not alone... The song "You Are My All In All" keeps playing in my head... for those of you who don't know it... here it is...

You Are My All In All

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all

Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name
Jesus, Lamb of God
Worthy is Your name

Taking my sin, my cross, my shame
Rising again, I bless Your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down You pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Brothers, the best thing I can do right now is pray for yall... when the number of words pale in comparison to the amount of pain you guys are going through... but remember God has a plan for each and everyone of you... pressure is needed to make a diamond... and fire refines pure gold... may God reveal to you His plans and purpose for your life at the appropriate times... in the mean time, I'll be in my room praying for you guys...

This phase will soon be over...

She's Funny That Way

2005-05-24T10:13:00.000+08:00

Stalkers are soooo not funny!!! Arghhh!!! where have all the fine young ladies of today's generation gone?!! Well, flattered but it's still kinda disturbing... Anyway... I'm not going to put anything more about them on my blog cos you never know who's reading... haha... could be them too!!!

So anyways... Saturday... I went for Jennifer's worship prac then to my farewell party at Rachel's house... thanks for the food and presents guys!!! You guys have always been a blessing in my life... I'll never forget yall... dang, I miss playing hearts with the army guys... nobody there knew how to play... haha... oh well...

Sunday was ok also... played for Shine Forth then led worship at Alpha... then it was supposed to be some dinner at Harry's in Esplanade but we went to Adam Road instead... kinda boring Sunday....

Since all my above paragraphs start with S, I might as well continue with the pattern... ok, that was pretty random... hahaha... just like those stalkers... anyway... I went for Yau Wei and Yin Mei's house warming party yesterday... both of them are doctors... and their place looks like a resort!!! But kinda difficult to get to if you want to use public transport... but if you're living there... who in that place doesn't have a car? haha... yea... saw Kevin and Wan-Ling too... they came back from Australia just for a one week break...

Soo... pretty ok weekend for me.... apart from those stalkers... haha... yea... I also quit the coffee club.... won't be playing there anytime soon.... The Clarke Quay IndoChine looks promising though... I know the guys who play there so I can go up anytime and jam... yay!!! Maybe one last time before I leave for UK... hrmmm... that reminds me... I'd better get my visa done soon...

Bleah, haha...

A Nightingale Sang In Berkeley Square

2005-05-21T09:49:00.000+08:00

Ok, I can't remember what happened on Tuesday or Wednesday... But I remember going to a YFC prac and in the day talking with Raycee for a super long time... trying to explain to her the difference between Catholicism and Christianity... Hrmm... Other than that... Thursday night at CenterStage was swinging!!! haha... A lot of people came and some of them didn't want to leave when I played my last song... They just stood there expecting more... haha... Ok... trying not to let it go to my head... I can't believe I got flowers as well... so out of point... hahaha... Uncle Dan had his birthday party yesterday too... quite fun... same things again lah... haha... just play for the crowd... Aight, this is probably going to be my shortest post ever... but I'm on top of the world right now... farewell party today... yay!!!

Life ain't that bad after all...

They Can't Take That Away From Me

2005-05-17T10:01:00.000+08:00

Ok... I realise I haven't blogged in a while... weekend was busy... Taught Hazel on Saturday morning then it was YFC practice in the afternoon... followed by the garage preview for Val's church... Romans and Amy were there to give advice after the whole thing too... Good points... We went for supper at McDonald's and I think the food had something in it... cos Ian and me couldn't sleep that night... so tired... haha...

Sunday I was playing for Sunday School service... Sandra was leading... Surprisingly good response from the 1030 crowd... had lunch with Ben, Daniel and Joel... then we had the worship practice for the alpha thingy... Xiao Hui still wanted to do the "If I Ain't Got You" song by Alicia Keys... so we jammed a bit after worship prac... Zheng Yang popped by and showed me the drop C version of "Neon" by John Mayer... Wha... must go and practice now... haha... Then we had games, dinner and then supper... usual stuff...

Yesterday was cool... YFC practice was fun... Cephas and Paul were listening to us rehearse too... then we played badminton... and some of us played chaktek with the shuttlecock... hilarious... DeZhang, Fiona and Letitia came by too... I think they were there for some PolyServe thingy... Had supper with Roy, Randy, Ian, Paul and Val... then went home to type out the links between songs... and had this super funny msn conversation with the above mentioned, about cows and the numa numa song... insane...

I bet this week's gonna be fun... can just feel it in my bones... I'm happy, elated, euphoric... and just super high... serving the Lord is more fun than anything else...

=) =) =) ....

Some Kind Of Wonderful

2005-05-14T11:46:00.000+08:00

WHA!!! I don't chat with Raycee one day and she sends me 22 messages!!! what the? lol... ok... I went out with Bryan for lunch yesterday cos we had nothing to do... haha... went to get some stuff from town... I got the "Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy" yesterday... Apparently it's supposed to be quite funny... gotta read it... argh.... still so many books I haven't finished reading... like the encyclopaedia of jokes I bought in February... hahaha... ok... nothing said there...

Guess what... they're doing my song for YFC garage... I still think it's cheesy but oh well... hahaha... the rest seem to love it... was letting Roy read through my testimony at around 5pm... yea... 2 hours earlier than rehearsal... hey... Ramli burger is good man!!! oh... yea... Letitia and her bro were around too... Romans and Sarah came later that night... both have really nice voices...

After that I went to Harry's at Esplanade to see Paul Ponnudurai play.... at the right time too cos he started at 10.... wha... he rocks man... oh... yea... joined Mei Nah, Kenneth, CongZhi, Hsien Xiong, Kiat, Jens, Jiamin and Kaiyi... Kelwin didn't turn up... but we did get a surprise visit from Ramu... haha... he was gigging at CenterStage with Daniel and Michelle... Oh... then Raymond, my other friend was there too... hahaha... so cool... I was talking more with Michelle as we walked backed to the MRT... no fair... I wanna go to Holland to catch the jazz fest!!! talking with her about life as a musician... risque...

This week has been inspiring... really!!! like watching all the various musicians in Singapore perform... I realise I still have lots to work on... I used to feel demoralised... oh well... choices eh? hee... better start bucking up and stop slacking... going to YFC later for the garage preview...

Some Kind Of Wonderful...

How About You?

2005-05-12T10:10:00.000+08:00

Choices, choices, choices... that's the theme for this month's YFC garage... If I hadn't started this blog, I wouldn't have been asked to share a testimony... now... I can choose to say whether sharing my testimony is a good thing or bad thing... intially... you know... one has inhibitions about telling one's life story in front of a big audience... but... one can chose to overlook the common stage fright I'm sure most people have... and notice the blessings God has given in one's life... like, He's blessed me so richly with good friends who are willing to help me out through tough times... and even as I prepare this testimony... I start to realise there's so much more God has given me which I take for granted... my words alone aren't even enough to express the gratitude...

Well, YFC prac was fun... we went on 3 more hours longer than expected... had dinner with Roy, Randy, Ian and Val at Dunman Food Court... took a cab home with Randy... was talking about how God has interesting plans for everyone's life... he said he didn't know how he ended up in YFC... and to be careful what you wish for cos you might just get it... yea... was kinda interesting...

I was talking with Raycee again yesterday... more on religion and relationships... then at night was talking to Minli about her stalker from Turkey!!! mwhahahaha.... ok... sorry... that's not funny... Anyways, I'm going to CenterStage to see Daniel and Ruth perform tonight cos I'm not playing at Coffee Club this week... Again!! Oh well, nice to get out and see other musicians play once in a while... choices... we make them everyday...

How About You...

Somewhere Beyond The Sea

2005-05-11T10:41:00.000+08:00

Wow... Uncle Louis Soliano was amazing last night at Ritz Carlton... haha... I went with Ivan from Laselle... I was so tempted to call some girl out but you know... that's not going to be healthy... relationship-wise... Anyway, I gave Uncle Louis the books... And I was also talking with this guy called Mervyn... Seemed to know a lot about the music industry and stuff... Amazing how much you can learn just from hanging out with older, more experienced musicians... Was talking to Kevin Rowe on msn yesterday too... telling me more about the music scene in UK...

Oh good news!!! My dad called me up yesterday to tell me I got accepted into the uni of my choice... mwhahahaha!!! Praise God!!! Middlesex here I come... so it's like all the unis I applied for, I got unconditional offers... whoohooo... hopefully I can get a scholarship once I get there... hrmm...

I was talking with Raycee from the Philippines yesterday too... seems we got lots of things in common... talking about everything from religion to relationships... she wants to become a nun... hrmmm.... kinda interesting...

Anyway, I'm steering clear of romantic relationships for the time being... I'll use this time of singleness to do God's work and do everything for His glory... yea... and anyway, I'm going to be going to UK soon... so I'll see what the Lord has in store for me... His ways are higher than ours... can't wait to get out there and jam with some jazzers... hahaha....

UK, here I come...

I Could Have Danced All Night

2005-05-10T11:03:00.000+08:00

Ok... apparently some people can't seem to live without reading my blog... ahem ahem... lol... tis the highlight of their day... hahaha... kidding lah!!! I haven't blogged in like 4 days man... so... here goes...

The OZ musical was super fun!!! People didn't want to leave the place... had loads of fun on both nights... Went to Cafe Cartel at Serangoon Gardens with Phil Jin, Mei Jian and Huis on Friday night after the show and on Saturday, it was McDonald's at Serangoon with Aaron, Jane, Hashani, Shantini and a few others... didn't get to know the names of the rest... Oh and all of us were trying to dodge Yunqi... nothing said there... hrmm... Oh... Johnson Lee my officer from SAF bands came to watch the show too... said it was good... then there was Hasif, Gideon, Fazli, Heng tin and some other former students I guess... didn't join them for supper though cos it was too far away... Saw Bronwyn too... Heee... Anyway, it was a magical evening...

Sunday was usual... very boring Mother's Day too... it was raining most of the time... and I wanted to sleep... oh yes... I had to play for Mandarin Service... haha... couldn't understand what they were singing but oh well... I went for the Shine Forth sermon after worship... Then it was games and dinner... had dinner with Joo Teng, Shanli and Dorcas... Sunday was boring lah... aiyo.... hahaha...

Monday was a bit better... I went for the YFC garage practice... Met this guy called Paul... thought he was like super hyper!!! hahahaha... fun guy... then went for dinner at Lagoon with Roy, Ian, Val and Ailin... wah... I got to learn this song "Everlasting Love" by Jamie Cullum... the range is soooo high.... anyway.... I went back home and caught the 4 shows I watch every Monday... haha...

Today gets better... Some girl wants to meet me on tickle... ah... can't be bothered... then I just got a call saying I received a free gift for some lucky draw thingy... hahaha... after the lady explained what it was all about... she got the wrong person!!! she couldn't stop talking too... lol... all that for nothing... she thought I was a Mr Tan from Toa Payoh!!! Sigh, guess I won't be getting that free trip and accommodation to China, Bali, Thailand or Sentosa... Not like I care right? hee...

Oh... Coffee Club cancelled on me again... I feel like quitting... oh well, see how things go... I'm visiting Uncle Louis today too!! gonna pass him his fake books... then in that case... I might drop by CenterStage on Thursday night to see Daniel play... I needa sit back and chill and watch other musicians play sometimes just to get my creative juices flowing again... Which reminds me... I think I'd better start on that church camp worship...

This week seems like fun...

Moment to Moment

2005-05-06T10:54:00.000+08:00

Ah... 3 days of Mei Jian's rehearsals... Tuesday to Thursday... Must say it's been really fun hanging out with the cast and all... getting know Yu Han, Terry, Fazli, Jasmine, Ravin, Jane, Huis, Vilist, Wan Jun and lots more pple better... don't really know the rest of their names... haha... made so many new friends it's hard to keep up with the older ones... lol... ok anyway... besides that, I had a gig at CenterStage last night with Daniel...

It's a good thing I chose to do this gig to and forget about the coffee club one cos it was raining that night... haha... Just before I started playing... guess who came walking around the corner... Uncle Louis Soliano!!! Some fantastic drummer in the music scene... haha... My dad's friend lah... He's known me since I was a kid... Yea... then we chatted a bit... at least he didn't call me Jonathan this time... YEsSsSs!!! haha... He also got to know Daniel and said he might call us for a wedding gig next time... His son is getting married... Oh yes, and he asked me to photocopy the 2 fake books for him... gave me $50 to do it... I didn't want to take it but he was so persistent... anyway... I owe him THAT much... he's been a real good "uncle" to me... might drop by Ritz soon and pass him the books... well, I was quite surprised Ian and Josh dropped by... I guess they saw the bulletin in my friendster... haha... yea... they brought their dates too... nothing said there... hee... CenterStage was cool... I like the place... only thing is the food is like super expensive...

Oh! Samantha and Guen dropped by... yes... and I played "Put Your Head On My Shoulder" as requested... Then we went to Nooch to get something to eat... My dinner, their supper... Actually, they just had a drink... I was eating some Oyako Don or something like that... hee... Can't remember what we were talking about... but we were laughing most of the time... haha... oh well, I was on my way home and I bumped into Fiona at the Ang Mo Kio bus stop... quite surprised haha... She had to catch her bus so didn't talk with her...

Well, other than that... during the course of the week... I've had various job offers but rejected like 3 of them... too busy and I'm leaving for UK soon so I don't think it'll work out... haha... I'm looking forward to the musical and the next big project will be the YFC garage and the Alpha Celebration... arghh... so much stuff to do!!! haha... anyway... I got accepted into Leeds!!! yay!! Now the only universities that haven't replied are Middlesex and TVU... All the rest I got unconditional offers... Praise God... Anyways, I'd better be off now before I start writing too much again... hee...

My life just picked up...

I'll Remember April

2005-05-02T14:10:00.000+08:00

I'm trying to blog less mainly because almost every time I blog I write lotsa stuff... so I'm giving you people a chance to catch up with previous posts... haha... I think the month of April had like lotsa issues I had to deal with... but I'm glad lotsa it has been sorted out... And I especially thank all my friends who have helped me along through some rough patches... all of you are priceless... hrmm... was that some Citibank ad slogan now? hahaha...

Well, Friday night was cool... I was supposed to go for Mei Jian's rehearsal but some lady called Annie phoned me up to ask if I could play for this singer named Nadia Ali... So yea... I took the job cos I needed the cash... haha... $150 for the night... I also got to know this great singer lah... hahaha... but I had to transpose all the songs to her key in less than an hour... and believe me there were lotsa songs... So... was quite frantic... also found out that this Nadia is a painter and is going to UK to study painting... how cool is that... and she rides a bike! wowzers... Might do gigs with her or Marina when I go back to UK... which reminds me... I think I'd better email Andy Dickens and Jeffery Wilson to see if they're up for a jam anytime soon... haha

Saturday... hrmm.... I was supposed to lead worship at the Yam Jam thingy... but it got cancelled due to lack of people... I was there at 1 but the actual thing was supposed to start at 4... thought it was 3.... oh well... went to Bakerzin at United Square with Yue Chang, Suyin, Melissa, Yan Ping, Bianca and some other guy who's living in Japan now.. I forgot his name... bleah.... then I went to Borders to buy a Jazz Superband and a Joe Pass CD before going home...

Sunday was the usual... Communion, Lunch, play for 5pm, games then Dinner and Dessert... Oh... I got to know Shanli and Vincent a bit better cos they came for dinner too... Ah... I also talked to Bernard about the alpha thingy... I need to get an electric guitarist and 2 backup singers... hrmmm... Anyone up for it?

Well, other than those events... I was chatting with Jac and Jeremy the other day... Both from Laselle... about life and stuff... haha... some guy called Aaron added me to friendster... He's like the 3rd guy who wants to know me because I play jazz piano... but cynicism aside... I'm sure they are all very nice people... haha... ooh... that reminds me... I still need to get my cash from Roger this Wednesday... oh... Was also talking to Raycee last week... that girl from the Philippines... apparently she's a model or something... can you believe she's from the YFC there... cool... Well, April's been fun... a tiring emotional roller coaster ride but fun....

Learnt a lot...

How Insensitive

2005-04-29T10:24:00.000+08:00

I used to share a very special relationship with one particular girl in my life... We had our fair share of ups and downs... Throughout the years however, we seem to have drifted apart... And it's been a long time since we've been on talking terms...

Why? you ask... Well, I can't remember when we 1st had our arguments... but I think it was built up over time... Her harsh words and mine sometimes... I think we hurt one another emotionally... and it's only by God's grace we didn't resort to violence... The pain, anguish, [inserts long chain of adjectives here] I think resulted in a silent war...

At that time, she was drifting further away from God... I'm not gonna reveal her personal life here... Well, cut a long story short... She's come back to Christ recently... so I've heard... I rejoice for her... and we've started to talk again... because I want to bury the hatchet and because I want to try my best to love her... though I might not like the things she does most of the time... but because of Jesus' love for me, I can find the strength to love her... as hard as it is for me to do so sometimes...

I recently unblocked her from msn... yes, yes... you may think this is childish... and it probably is... but the reason I blocked her and shut her out of my life is because I feared getting hurt emotionally... you may think it cliche... but sometimes the dust of familiarity can blind one's eyes...

Well, talking with her on msn still brings back bad memories... and I'm not one to forget easily... it was interesting.... every time I said something... it felt as if she was scrutinising everything I did in my life... saying things "out of love" seemed like a flippant excuse for attacking me and putting me down... and with our kinda history... you'd know why... everything she said seemed condescending but I'll give her the benefit of the doubt that she cares for me and wants the best for me... Though I'd appreciate it if she toned it down a bit when it gets more than annoying...

We could quote lots of scripture about the fine line between looking at the plank in one's eye and looking out for your fellow believer... but I'm not going to do that... Mainly because this is in no way an attack on her for whatever wrong she's done in my life or my mistakes in hers... Instead, I'll be the 1st to say I'm sorry and ask for her forgiveness... and I too forgive her for all the pain and hurt she's caused in mine... Dumbing yourself down isn't easy... Those of you who know me well know I like to keep everything inside of me... bottled up for years on end... emotions in every living fibre of my body expressed through music... what an outlet...

No, my friends, this is not a testimony of how much I dislike that girl or the things she has done... It is instead my public declaration of trying to love her as much as Jesus loves me... And though I still find it really really really really really really really tough, I'm trying my very best... for our real enemy is the evil one who is trying to tear us apart... not each other and I will not let him succeed... and though I may still not like her actions.... I'm loving her more each day.... for God's love conquers all...

Still trying...

If This Isn't Love

2005-04-26T10:22:00.000+08:00

Jac's recital was ok... She was super nervous... Some of the songs had to be restarted... Oh well... I saw Jeremy and Wei Xiang there too... It was fun anyway... Met Babes Conde too... Lester wanted my number cos he didn't get it from me the last time... haha... He and I played for Francis one Sunday... I think it was 2 Christmases ago... wow... that IS a long time! Anyway, he gave me a lift to City Hall... I ate dinner and went home...

I saw a girl on the bus who looked as if she was crying... she looked liked one of my friends... but she wasn't... I was suddenly reminded of some love issues... got me thinking about selfishness and thinking about self-gratification.... Now, imagine if I was to do that to someone... hurting them sooo much... being in a relationship just to satisfy your own wants and needs... that's not love... that's self-centredness... I may have caught a glimpse of what was in store for me if I went down that road...

Some of these points in the JH book got to me... How would I account to God for my actions? how can I remain pure and blameless before Him? sure... almost everyone is getting attached, breaking up... but in the end I answer to God... not everyone... my actions haven't escaped His notice... but as the author said... and I agree... I'd rather be praying in private than preaching in public...

Love...

People

2005-04-25T10:49:00.000+08:00

I, Me, Myself.... the struggle with pride is a never-ending one... self-centredness... always thinking about yourself... hrmmm... gotta watch out for that... but anyway... ever felt like everyone's ignoring you? and they only pay attention to you for the things you do well instead of for who you are as a person? Sometimes I feel there's more love coming from my NON-Christian friends outside church.... But then again.... I think God's trying to tell me to be less selfish... And consider the needs of others...

Anyway... went to Shine Forth for service... went an hour early cos I needed some quiet time.... then sat with Bryan and Daniel Simunjuntak... Lunch at canteen.... then taught Priscilla from Prayer and Praise... stayed for the 5pm practice for a while then went to play captain's ball... Met new people... Ryan, Daniel, Vincent, Shandi and Song Liang... Chatted more with Daniel and Ryan... Then it was dinner at Clarke Quay... Some coffee shop... Church peeps... Daniel came later...

Samantha came with her best friend Guen about the same time Ramu, Matthew and Wen arrived at Jazz@SouthBridge... haha... I should have gone up with them 1st... Oh well... met them later.... everyone was asking me if I was going to Jam.... can't a guy take a break for once? hahaha... I met more people up at the bar too... these guys called Daniel and Simon... Oh... I saw Johnny and Aka Ho too... Said hi to them... Samantha and Guen left early cos Samantha had a driving lesson... Xiao Hui came too... I was hanging out with Ramu, Matthew and Simon because Wen was too busy talking to girls as usual... I had to remind him who my friend was... lol... You owe me one dude...

Michelle dropped by around 1145 with a bunch of her school mates from Laselle... Got to know a few more people but didn't actually remember their names... hahaha... there were about 5 of them!!! well, I left when the church people left... Shared a cab back with Ramu... I owe you $6.50 man... haha... I need to learn "Put Your Head On My Shoulder" before Thursday... arghh.... so little time... If Samantha's coming I have to play it... lol... Anyway... I'm going for Jac's performance tonight!!! yay!!! I get paid!!! I'm going broke... haha.... By the way...the Joshua Harris are an interesting read... altered my view on relationships a bit... or at least established certain truths... go read it if you haven't...

Anyway, I'd better get going... I'm re-evaluating my life right now... transition in progress... More people to meet tonight yall...

I'm outta here....

All By Myself

2005-04-23T17:59:00.000+08:00

Words cannot express how I'm feeling now... but whatever it is... it ain't pretty... hrmm.... guess God's peeling me layer by layer... have you ever felt so much guilt about the things you've done in the past? and it's as if you can't tell anyone about it? Cos you're afraid of the humiliation it will cause you and the hurt it will cause other people... like should you tell them or should you not tell them? hrmm....

Last night I was spending time alone just meditating and I was feeling this whole burden come down on me just as I was about to sleep... I can't describe it... it was like I was reminded about my past... and every single bad thing I did just popped into my head... lotsa emotions... fear, sadness, embarassment, you name it.... etc, etc, etc... I feel confused... Oh well... guess God is doing something in my life right now... just can't figure out what...

Anyway... Friday was fun... the cast from Mei Jian's rehearsal were celebrating Jane's birthday... did you know she's Foo Chow and knows my friend Jeremy from the Foo Chow church? Small world... haha... I'm Foo Chow too... we had a full run in the lecture room... nice place... then after that it was dinner with Fazli, Jin Teng and Mei Jian... boring night... haha...

Today was quite good as well... Jac's prac was fun... I was jamming with Lester and Daniel... trying to memorize some jazz standards... haha... the auditorium in Laselle is pretty decent... cool... I popped by waffle town and bumped into Joseph, Maurice and Jon Woo... Had a drink then went to see Suyin about worship leading for the Yam Jam thingy next Saturday... they were having cell... I met Deanne on the way... hee.... just got back home...

Oh!!! I bought 2 of the Joshua Harris books... I can't seem to put it down... I'm enthralled.. haha.... I think I'm gonna read that later... I won't be surprised if I read the entire book tonight... or both... haha... It's a nice break getting some time to myself at last.... I used to be so busy with worship practices and stuff... hrmm... maybe God wants me to spend more time with Him alone... right... I'm off yall...

Catch Ya Later...

The Greatest Love of All

2005-04-22T10:26:00.000+08:00

The Coffee Club last night was packed!!!! Sooo many people.... And I wanted to start early but Daniel arrived later than usual... oh well... haha... Anyway, we had a blast... tried new songs and all... Quando, quando, quando was sweet... hee... it was some 30 year old lady's birthday so someone requested for the birthday song and "Words" by the Bee Gees... I didn't know how to play it... malu seah... haha... Daniel helped me to the instrumental version on his guitar... Then we also played Girl From Ipanema in a minor key... hilarious...

My secondary school classmate Jonathan showed up with his girlfriend... I think it's been about 6 years since we last met up properly... Then another Daniel from SAF Bands was around that area too so he said he'd bring more of our band mates down... and I was like Nooooooooo.... hahahaha.... Cherene and her boyfriend also popped by just to say hi... hee... Not too bad a night I must say... Going for Mei Jian's rehearsal today... It's the full run... Right, those are just things happening in my life... if you really wanna know how I am, read on...

I quit dating... it serves no purpose whatsoever... in the end both parties end up hurt... I think the reasons why I started was because I was bored, naive, curious and there was a lot of peer pressure... work, church, basically everywhere... Now don't get me wrong here... I'm not trying to make excuses for myself...

Ever since I got out of army, I've been like super free to do the things I wanted to or wanted to try... so you see things pile up on top of one another and very soon you're more busy than you know... have you ever heard the phrase "An empty mind is a devil's playground?" I used to think that would apply to my life... like if I didn't keep busy, I would be tempted to do the things I shouldn't have... but I've been reading this article that begs to differ... Author Unknown...

Satan called a worldwide convention. In his opening address to his evil angels, he said "We can't keep the Christians from going to church. We can't keep them from reading their Bibles and knowing the truth. We can't even keep them from conservative values.

But we can do something else. We can keep them from forming an intimate, abiding relationship in Christ. If they gain that connection with Jesus, our power over them is broken.

So let them go to church, let them have their conservative lifestyles, but steal their time so they can't gain that experience in Jesus Christ. This is what I want you to do, angels. Distract them from gaining hold of their Saviour and maintaining that vital connection throughout their day!"

"How shall we do this?" shouted his angels.

"Keep them busy in the nonessentials of life and invent unnumbered schemes to occupy their minds," he answered.

"Tempt them to spend, spend, spend, then borrow, borrow, borrow. Convince the wives to go to work for long hours and the husbands to work 6 or 7 days a week, 10 to 12 hours a day, so they can afford their lifestyles. Keep them from spending time with their children. As their family fragments, soon their homes will offer no escape from the pressures of work."

"Over-stimulate their minds so that they cannot hear that small still voice. Entice them to play the radio or cassette player whenever they drive, to keep the TV, VCR, DVDs, CDs and their PCs going constantly in their homes. And see to it that every store and restaurant in the world plays non-biblical, contradictory music constantly. This will jam their minds and break that union with Christ."

"Fill their coffee-tables with magazines and newspapers. Pound their minds with the news 24 hours a day. Invade their driving moments with billboards. Flood their mailboxes with junk-mail, sweepstakes, mail-order catalogues and every kind of newsletter and promotional offering free products, services and false hopes."

"Even in their recreation let them be excessive. Have them return from the recreation exhausted, disquieted and unprepared for the coming week. Don't let them go out to nature to reflect on God's wonders. Send them to amusement parks, sporting events, concerts and movies instead."

"And when they meet for spiritual fellowship, involve them in gossip and small talk so that they leave with troubled consciences and unsettled emotions."

"Let them be involved in soul-winning, but crowd their lives with so many causes that they have no time to seek power from Christ. Soon they will be working in their own strength, sacrificing their health and family for the good of the cause."

It was quite a convention in the end. The evil angels went to their assignments causing Christians everywhere to get busy, busy, busy and rush here and there.
Has the devil been successful in his scheme?

You be the judge.

How about this definition of BUSY: Being Under Satan's Yoke

Satan's goal is to take our minds away from Christ and steer us towards the cares of the world. God wants us to enjoy life, but He must be first. If we are too busy for God, then we are too busy!

Interesting right? haha... yea... I read this and I can't help but keep getting reminded about the story of Mary and Martha... Read up the story in Luke 10... And it is true... like my friend Anna said... God desires obedience sooooo much more than sacrifice.... I don't think it by chance that I stepped down from the music ministry... I think God is trying to tell me to just to dwell in His presence and not be "distracted about the preparations"... if playing every Sunday becomes a "chore", I shouldn't play at all... cos there's no chance to get fed spiritually...

Now how does all of this fit into dating you say? I haven't a clue... somehow I went off on a tangent and it may be a far shot... so do correct me if I'm wrong... For starters... the concept of dating, to me I think... is like you're so busy looking for love and romance, you don't trust God with your life... And peer pressure has a lot to do with it as well... After a while you're so concerned about trying to gain acceptance from your friends, you neglect God and forget that the greatest love of all is right there in front of you...

John 3:16 "For God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life"

Jesus died for our sins on Calvary... That a King would die for me... And not just any King... but the King of Kings and Lord of Lords... And I realise no matter how many times I've heard this being said, nothing can compare to the gravity of that verse... So it's time I devoted a lot more to the lover of my soul... Cos if I can't love a perfect person perfectly... Then what makes me think I can love an imperfect person perfectly?

Right?

Trust and Obey

When we walk with the Lord
In the light of His Word
What a glory He sheds on our way!
While we do His good will
He abides with us still
And with all who will trust and obey

Chorus
Trust and obey
For there's no other way
To be happy in Jesus
But to trust and obey

Not a shadow can rise
Not a cloud in the skies
But His smile quickly drives it away
Not a doubt or a fear
Not a sigh or a tear
Can abide while we trust and obey

Not a burden we bear
Not a sorrow we share
But our toil He doth richly repay
Not a grief or a loss
Not a frown or a cross
But is blest if we trust and obey

But we never can prove
The delights of His love
Until all on the altar we lay
For the favour He shows
And the joy He bestows
Are for them who will trust and obey

Then in fellowship sweet
We will sit at His feet
Or we'll walk by His side in the way
What He says we will do
Where He sends we will go
Never fear, only trust and obey

Happy Days Are Here Again

2005-04-21T09:14:00.000+08:00

I never thought I would say this.... But I wish it would rain tonight so I don't have to play at the coffee club... I think I'm losing my voice... sigh... Oh well... hope it goes alright tonight... the week's passed by tooooo fast... so many things, not enough rest... to think that I actually got more sleeping time in army!!! haha...

I know I haven't blogged for like 2 days... I was kinda depressed and thought I might let you catch up on previous posts... haha... like as if people actually read the entire post... my friend Jonathan Lim from secondary school got in contact with me again and said I was writing a novel!!! not a blog... haha... Ok, I admit... my entries are super long... but who says you have to read them right? mwahahahaha...

Tuesday was cool... Mei Jian's practise was super fun... Sha is a really good dance choreographer... I hope Ramu can at least make some practises... I'm kinda worried... busy man... hee... Was hanging out with Phil Jin in the band room after that... I can't believe he knows soooo many languages...haha... he's a very nice guy...

Wednesday was super!!! I finally got down to doing some serious practise!!! 3 hours... sweet... then it was jamming at night... hilarious... hahahaa..... Xiao Hui was having a ball doing that Alicia Keys song and some other jazz numbers... I went for supper with Dan and Yado.. ok not exactly.... but it was at Caltex... they were going on about soccer and how they were not good enough at music... blah blah blah... can you guys paleeezeeeeee stop moping!!!!! aiyo.... hahahaha.... Oh!!! I got some of my pics from that gig I did with Marina... I hope I don't look to... ahem..... metro!!!! lol!!!

Right... I wonder who's coming to visit me tonight... haha... life ain't that bad after all... I'm going to practise yall... cya...

Happy Days Are Here Again...

From This Moment On

2005-04-19T10:48:00.000+08:00

Wow... Little did I know my last blog entry would evoke such a response... All in all, I really thank you guys and gals who have shared with me and not condemned me but convicted me... It's helped me sooo much... more than you'll ever know... Kudos to Randy, Roy, Jo, Priscilla, Kimbarley, Minli and Anna (especially) for listening and sharing... I'm truly blessed to have such wonderful brothers and sisters in Christ... some pointers that really got to me...

From Anna:
Dude, if there's one thing I've realised, God desires obedience much more than sacrifice. You serving in the music ministry means NOTHING to Him if He doesn't have your heart... Which means loving Him with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Everything you've got. And maybe He wants you to stop doing things so that you'll learn just how to BE. To be His son, to be His child. Not to do anything to earn His love. You might've heard this before, but it makes a lot of sense: we're human BEings, not human doings... God bless

From Randy:
Bro I will pray for you. Continue to see how our life really is a process of being transformed, perhaps to one day be as best a husband you can be. God sometimes close doors to prepare us better or perhaps to save us from the horrors of what may lie on the other side haha. Trust and obey for there is really no other way to be happy.

Thanx for the gentle reminders!!!

Another conversation which helped me cos I'm too tired to re-edit... haha... sorry...

Jordan: thanx.... I really NEEDED to HEAR that... thanx for keeping me on track!

Anna: np. and you know what? I absolutely do not believe in dating

Jordan: yea?

Anna: and the fact that your leader is asking u if u have a gf, it's just wrong.

Jordan: hrmmm

Anna: if he meant it in a "you should go get one" way… but if he meant it in a "do u have one because if u are u shouldn't" way, then it's ok… I don't know… the Bible doesn't say specifically, and maybe I'm just ultra conservative…

Jordan says: actually... my leader was a she…

Anna: but a bf would just totally distract me from my walk with God if it wasn't the right time

Jordan: and she didn't mean it the latter

Anna: oh... hm.. , well, then i don't know. but u know what? Jesus never said following Him was easy. =)

Jordan: that's true… why dun you believe in dating? Anyway... I didn't know you read my blog… hahah

Anna: well, i just happened to go there today.. didn't go before…no i don't believe in dating. it's distracting if it's the wrong time

Jordan: AH... icic.... hrmmm.... what's your view?

Anna: about dating? ever heard of the book "I kissed dating goodbye" by Joshua Harris?

Jordan: yea.... I'm trying to get my hands on it…

Anna: well, it's a good book. mm.. well, i guess it's partly cos my church also doesn't believe in dating.. more like we believe in 'courtship'

Jordan: yea.... but how would you know the one? dun mean to sound bitter and all

Anna: for that, read 'boy meets girl' after i kissed dating goodbye… I mean, it's not like a rule book and definitely manual, but

Jordan: it helps

Anna: definitely a lot of prayer, a lot of counselling from the leaders at church, and just courting… getting to know one another better, to see if God's calling the 2 of u in the same direction… I mean God won't put 2 people whose destinies are totally different together because when u get married, you and ur spouse's destinies will affect each other

Jordan: that's true… hrmm... interesting points… I think I’m beginning to understand now

Anna: mm.. and one thing I've learnt about marriage.. it's not for one's happiness… in fact, it's going to challenge us so much further… and really the crux of it is, if someone being married would glorify God more than if he or she remaining single all his or her life, then he or she shd get married… it's really a matter of what brings God the most glory

Jordan: purposeful singlehood

Anna: yep... that's right.

Jordan: ic... wow you know a lot… hahaha

Anna: well, I can't help it, i'm sold out for Him.. heh..

Jordan: I should get you as my therapist… hahaha

Anna: you just need spiritual family. Haha

Jordan: haha yes sis!!!

Anna: and of course u urself being sold out for Him

Jordan: :)

After, re-reading blog entries and comments... I'm touched by all of your concerns... thanx for all your prayers... I'm starting to feel better already... If God says He has a plan for my life, I'd better believe that He does...

Prob 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight"

I think I'd better start loving the family of God and DO it, not only say it.... I found the song I wrote the other day... I'll share it with you...

I'm Giving You My All

I've crossed many different paths
Tried to find a way of living
But I've never found a thing that would gratify
My meaningless desires

Contemplating on life's goal
I have found no satisfaction
But I know now You're the one who can change
My life, renewed, forever

And I'm giving You my all
I'm giving You my everything
I'm giving You my all
As a pleasing offering
I'm giving You my all
I'm giving You my everything
I'm giving You my all
My Saviour, Lord and King

Different places I have been
But this heart is still so empty
Nothing ever could fill this vast, wide void
But You've turned my world around

Entered into my whole being
Filled me with Your Holy Spirit
And forever I will worship and pray
And I'll kneel before you now

From This Moment On...

It's Been A Long, Long Time

2005-04-18T13:08:00.001+08:00

Ok... So I'm not all smiles... That previous blog entry was a little too boring and this one is a bit too soon... I don't how to say this... but I'll try... at the risk of sounding narcissistic and proud... though I don't wanna sound like that... and I don't mean to sound desperate too... but then again maybe I'm in denial... right now I don't know how I feel... depressed I guess... yea... my life ain't as picture perfect as most people think it is...

You know how this blog was started cos of some love issues... Well, it still goes on because of love issues... ok i'm not making any sense... Let's start way back from the beginning shall we... My life story for you... if you don't want to hear it go read some other else's blog... I'm not in the mood for non-serious stuff... No offence...

Back when I was a kid, I liked this girl in my old church... not going to say who... some of you know... but anyway... I was new at this... guess I still am... well, needless to say, she rejected me... no hard feelings.. we're good friends now... but back then it was a big issue...

I was so upset... depressed, everything... you name it... burned myself... shut people out of my life to avoid getting hurt... I vowed I was going to show her one day who I would become... some famous person whom all the girls will like and that she'll regret not going out with me... I'm just telling you that's how I felt at that time... It was very proud and selfish of me... Don't get me wrong yea??? I was very childish back then...

Anyway, I invested all my time in practising music non-stop, didn't care about making friends or anything and all... kept to myself the entire time in secondary school... so after O levels I was practising everyday for 6 hours or something... may have been less... dunno... but still a lot... trying out all the different instruments and stuff... Just finding some way to escape from it all... I couldn't tell anyone how I was feeling inside... or didn't want to... I guess I was just venting my feelings through my playing...

Well, back then, my church was small, so there wasn't anyone you didn't know... so when I changed church to Barker... it was like sooo many people... I forgot about her and met new friends... began to open up a bit more... I met more people in the music ministry... You know where I'm going with this... I said to myself... wow... I think it'll be easy to find a girlfriend here... I can take my time... then it was at youth camp where Daniel Long was talking about not flirting and stuff... Cos I think I was on the verge of doing it... he was really angry with some of the youth in camp... and for goodness sakes... I was one of the group leaders!!! Shame on me... I rededicated my life to God... or so I thought...

I had to leave for studies in the UK... and I tell you... I strayed a lot... there was this other girl I liked in some college... but it didn't work out... we hardly knew each other... I foolish to rush into things... yea... she rejected me... Now the 1st gal from Singapore I liked for 4 or 5 years until she said no... so I waited... then this gal from UK... too short a time... and by then I was already heading off to Singapore and stuff... oh well... I went back to Singapore for NS... more hurt, angry at life, bitter at God, and withdrawn from the world... I was like... life has won, I am beaten...

NS was even harder still... there was so much pressure about getting attached and all... even from church as well!!! So I went to church for the wrong reasons... played in the music ministry and as many services all for the wrong reasons... to sum it all up... to get noticed... to get people to like me... gain acceptance... yada yada yada...

And you know what... I did get noticed... but it wasn't for the right reasons... anyway... to cut a long story short... It was only when I was forced to stop playing for the different services that I realised what I was doing was wrong... ok, not exactly forced... but God prevented me from playing... Being busy with my 1st national day parade and stuff... This time I said to myself... Get real... I got serious about God... and brushed off topics about love and stuff... said to myself I'm going to leave my love life in God's hands... sounds all to familiar doesn't it? But I think I wasn't confronting it properly...

Right, so I focused on playing for one service, I quit Sunday School cos I knew there would be too many distractions... played for Shine Forth cos that time they were in need of musicians... eventually stepped up to worship leading... I was happy with my life right until March this year... same time I started my blog... now constantly in my 11 or 12 years of serving in the music ministry... I have been asked if I have a girlfriend... but didn't think much of it... but when you get asked by one of your leaders? that's strange... I keep thinking to myself... Is now the time or what? waiting for so long can sometimes get tiring... hearing all this talk about God having a plan for your life and all... it's the same thing over and over again... I admit sometimes my faith runs dry... wondering if God is ever there...

Oh well, truth is I've been so busy with serving God in the music ministry and now that I've stepped down, I don't really know what to do... playing every Sunday gets tiring... people just waiting for you to screw up and laugh at you later... be it on the stage or in life... heck... maybe I shouldn't even blog!!! knowing all the pain this is going to cause me or already has... Saying that I'm going to trust God with my life gets tiring... sometimes I feel I can't take it anymore... I wanna scream but it'll wreck my voice... do I sound too self-obsessed to you? I think I do... I don't care anymore... you guys put me up on a pedestal if you want to... so when you people say you can't find anything wrong with my life... think again...

Maybe I read too much into what people say... I have tendency of doing that and people get the wrong idea... or maybe I get the wrong idea.... wadever... It's real hard when I see all my friends attached... and I'm still like single and all... you can tell me all the pros and cons... I've heard them before... It gets lonely sometimes... sometimes, when I talk about new girls I meet, maybe it's an attempt to tell myself that I'm accepted and I won't feel so lonely... Call it denial to desperation or what you wanna... sometimes I wished I had wished for happiness and a perfect companion instead of fame and recognition... Then again... maybe I'm the only one to blame for still being single... maybe I don't know what I want yet... so excuse me if I'm sounding self-absorbent and egotistical now... I'm distraught... I hope you understand... I think I'm mad at myself... not you guys who keep reading this blog...

I don't really know how I feel... I mean maybe all my time serving the Lord has kept me focused on Him instead of pondering about how my life will turn out... Is it selfish to think that way? Maybe that's a wrong and unfair statement... I know I need to trust God... it's hard though... There's seriously a lot of sacrifice involved... I've no regrets about being soooo involved in the ministry... that was the most fulfilling time of my life... but now that I'm not so active... hrmmm.... argh... I don't know what to think.... this could be a transition period... who knows? In any case, looks like more good music is heading your way... blood, sweat and tears... someone please help or pray for me...

Intense Man...

Small World

2005-04-18T10:12:00.000+08:00

Wow... I met 3 more people I knew at Jac's prac on Saturday... The drummer Daniel and the bassist Lester... I didn't know they were playing for Jac... then there was this guitarist Derek who was my piano student's guitar teacher... communicated with him over the phone before... I was kinda late cos Ivan ended his practise early... haha... they were all like waiting for me when I arrived... so paiseh... haha... Oh well... when I saw all of them I was like... whoa!!! it's you guys!!! yay! fun... cos I've played with them before...

Practice was super funny... nobody knew who was supposed to take charge and all... bleah... they were all expecting me to but I was like so much younger than all of them and I don't really like to tell people older than me what to do... I feel very uncomfortable... No offence you guys... haha... but we managed to get everything sorted out in the end... it was quite a boring day... Went back home and was talking with Minli and Amanda about relationships and stuff... can't say much here... sorry guys... private stuff...

Sunday was ok I guess... went to Shine Forth and Edward was playing the keyboards... He's improved sooo much... I really respect the guy... so humble and all... then ate lunch with Zaneta, Zhimei, Dan, Jacqueline, Cheryl, Debbie, Jon Wong and Delia... they had some cell worship meeting... Oh! Bernard also asked me to lead worship for this alpha thingy... I thought Bryan was doing it... oh well... any of you guys interested to play for this? lemme know yall... Then I told Wyman and Alfrin that I was going for the church camp and they asked me to try and find more musicians who are interested in playing... I'm not even in the worship committee!!! haha... Then Sandra the worship committee head was asking me to like show her how to play free worship stuff... pressure... haha... guess I'll have to get more used to this...

Ok then it was Lester's party in the evening... Was kinda bored until Eric and his girlfriend, Ting Nee arrived... can't remember her name exactly... sorry Eric... haha... Then Denise and her boyfriend showed up later... Jennifer came last... I think she overslept... Claire, Rachel, Esther and Winnie couldn't make it... Quite a fun party... played a bit of frisbee with some guys I didn't know... haha... makes up for not going to games with the Wesley people... sigh... Got to know this guy called Leslie and his wife Wendy too... Also this girl Sheena who knows my sis and thought I looked familiar... hrmm...

Anyway, some random person, Nicole, commented on my blog... She was at coffee club on Thursday as well... She knows Jaime somehow but I don't know her... haha... funny how small the world is right? I'm still feeling tired from the weekend although it was super boring!!! And Priscilla is asking me to post my blog entry now so she can comment... so I'd better end of here... hee... Wonder who else I might bump into this week...

It's a small world after all...

I'm All Smiles

2005-04-16T09:24:00.000+08:00

I started Friday of with a rather bad experience... the taxi driver drove me to Changi instead of Laselle!!! I was so angry... he didn't even want to give a discount either!!! I just shut the door on him when he was giving me my change... I didn't want to take it... If it's money he wants he can keep it... A whopping $19.30!!!! Man!!! And he didn't even take me to Laselle... I asked him to stop at that McDonald's and KFC place near the national stadium... He made one big U-turn even though I asked him to stop on the other side then I would walk... Sigh... some people just don't listen... I think his name is Ng Siew Har or Siew Hiaw... or something like that... Be warned you people!!!... well, the initials are Ng S.H.

Jac had to come and get me from McDonald's cos I didn't know how to get from there to Laselle... Hee... She's got a very very very sweet singing voice... I ate lunch at the canteen and the Western Food store Auntie was asking me if I was thinking of studying here or visiting my girlfriend... lol!... hahaha... Wadever... I got to know some more of Jac's friends cos she was using the practice room after them... Reminds me so much of the days back in Queen Mary's College... I saw Daniel there too!!! Hahaha... Just played with him on Thursday... Then met Ivan and Fabian, both quite good at music... And after that, all of them left as Jac was rehearsing the songs with me... I think it went quite smoothly... I can't believe Derek is also playing for her... small world... hrmm... Ivan and Daniel came back to the room just as Jac and I were about to finish... We jammed a bit more... Jac left...

We went to Daniel's house after that cos he was preparing a birthday gift for Michelle... I was listening to his solo album... sounds really like Martin Taylor... He's really good!!! I thought it WAS Martin Taylor... I also picked up some new riffs and tips from him... hee... I didn't actually wanna go out that night, but I'm glad I did... Listen on and you'll see why...

Ivan had to get a birthday present for his sister at Popular 1st, then we had dinner at this Indonesian restaurant Daniel recommended at Lucky Plaza... Ayam Pennye Ria... I think... He's got lotsa friends there... haha... kept saying hi to them and stuff... He's really an amazing fellow... he was doing engineering in his hometown Surabaya, Indonesia before he came to Singapore... And he's only picked up English ever since he came here 2 years ago... quite fluent I must say... and his guitar playing is super pro!!!

Anyway, we went to Marina Mandarin to catch Michelle perform her few last songs at CenterStage... met this guy called Darrell as well... Her pianist... Then we were kinda of hungry again... haha... so we went up to the food court on the top level... only one shop was open... sigh... oh well... Hokkien Mee it was then... We thought of going to Harry's Esplande to see Paul Ponnudurai play but some one else was playing so we went to see Michelle and Daniel's friends Johnny and Roseanna play at IndoChine at Clarke Quay... They make a lovely couple I must say... Roseanna is like a splitting image of my Auntie Susan...

Anyway, Ivan had to go home so it was just 4 of us now... Daniel left early too... so sad... cos Roseanna wanted him to jam... haha... Darrell also left a bit later... so I got to know Roseanna a bit more... cos the rest of the musicians were like backstage some where... Then Roseanna wanted Michelle and me to jam so we went up for like 2 songs... haha...and I was like trying to sight read the songs but they were all hand written so it was bit hard... so I had to like hear what the bassist was playing and try and 2nd guess the chords... what a laugh... Well, I got called back up to play for the last song... "How High the Moon"... at least I knew that... haha but it was in Eb... still can lah... hee...

I got to know Tim, the pianist a bit... and wonder of all wonders!!! He comes from UK, his home town is Basingstoke and he went to the same college that I did when I was there!!! Roseanna and Michelle broke into the "It's a small world" song instantly... haha... Cool... Then Johnny was talking to me about musicians and integrity and leaving more space in solos... I was enlightened... hee... I realised I still have a lot to learn... We also wished Michelle a Happy Birthday cos it was like 2am then... haha... I took a cab home from South Bridge... This time it was a nice driver!!! hahaha... super shack now...

Oh, another girl added me to friendster today... but I dun know her and she's from Philippines and it's like sooo random... hahaha... hrmmm.... Anyway... Leaving my life in God's hands is so much better than trying to make my own life work for me... and though there may be some ups and downs... I dun mind cos pressure is needed to make a diamond and fire refines pure gold...

I'm all smiles...

Strangers in the Night

2005-04-15T08:47:00.000+08:00

Yes!!!! It didn't rain yesterday!!!! Whoo hoo!!! But the sound man didn't show up... Had to set up everything by myself... sigh... and they didn't even tell me that the sound man wasn't going to be there... wahahaha.... ridiculous... Well, the rest of the night was cool though... Let's start from the morning shall we...

Had to listen to some songs for the recital I'm doing for Jac at Laselle... Quite easy I think... Was talking to Priscilla too... Yea, then after that I went to my Uncle's place to drop off some stuff, then followed him to some apartment he was showing his client... He dropped me off at Barker later cos I had to settle some church camp stuff... I'm supposed to pay Auntie April on Sunday... Can someone remind me? haha... Then I went to the canteen to wait for Dean to finish his remedial lesson and I bumped into Rev Juliette... Not literally... lol...

As I was waiting for Dean, Jared's ex-girlfriend came down the stairs... I didn't recognise her at 1st... Then only after she said hi and stuff, we were both like... "what's your name?"... hahaha... Well, in any case I got Audrey's number and msn... The 1st time I saw her was like at the ACS carnival and she was being dunked as I was trying to find out if she knew me... Cos she was waving to me and I thought she was waving to someone else.... argh... long story... hee...

Ok I went to Borders after meeting Dean and collecting his camp money... both of us are sharing a room with Joseph... That'll be fun... wahaha... I needed to go and get a present for Lester... Can't tell you what I got him cos I dunno if he reads this... hee... All I can say is.... It's soooo hard to shop for guys!!! argh... I sound like a girl... no offence yall... :) bleah... I met Jason at Borders too!!! And he was also in the same predicament... we went to popular after that to get some birthday cards...

Jane called me to say she was in town... so we met up half an hour later... She had to go and pay her bass fees at Plaza Singapura so I accompanied her and guess who I saw? Johnson Lee!!! My former army officer in SAF Bands... He's thinking of buying a Clavinova or something... haha... Also met one of my Dad's friends Michael Song... At least that's what I remember... I'm not very good with names... I remember faces better... haha... Yea, so we went to Coffee Club after that and that's when I found out that the sound man was no where to be seen... grr... had to set up everything by myself... sigh....

Anyway, Daniel came super early that day too... haha... 630pm!!! wow... He helped me set up as well... Poor Jane waiting there with no one to talk to... sorry gal!! Not how I wanna treat my childhood friend... paiseh... Oh and Jaime, Hagen and one of their friends dropped by but there was no space so I only got to talk to them... they didn't catch me in action... Haha... it doesn't matter... at least I've finally met Jaime... my personal "shrink"... Long story again... haha...

Well, we did manage to get everything sorted out in the end... had dinner and Joel and his family came that night... sweet... Sooo many people... After we started playing, Bryan came and sat down with my friend Jane, then Florence Chang arrived with her student as well... I think her name was Mei Qing... or something like that... oops... hee... Sat with Bryan and Jane too... I hope it wasn't too awkward for you guys as well... Like nobody knew each other... haha so weird... I haven't seen Miss Florence Chang in ages!!! Like since Chapel Band days in ACS (Barker)... and I can't believe she noticed I plucked my eyebrows... wow... Samantha came when I was playing my last song for the 1st set but since she likes bossa, I threw one more in for her... haha...

After our 1st set, I talked with Samantha 1st cos she was like sitting by herself at the table and all... Then, I introduced her to Daniel, Bryan, Jane, Florence and Mei Qing.... I can't believe Mei Qing knows my former class mate Glenn Seah... small world... must be same church or something... Had a fun time catching up with every one of them... All of them strangers to one another... But I was amazed at how they got along so well... They were like laughing and giggling and stuff and it seemed like they knew each other for years... Me and Daniel went back up for our second set and I think I had a sore throat... my voice wasn't working properly... haha... man... well, anyway, Bryan, Jane, Samantha and me stayed back to talk for like another hour or so... Non-stop!!! so fun...

Oh yes... I forgot to mention... someone wrote down on a piece of paper for me to play Moon River... But I didn't know who it was so I was keeping my eyes peeled for who would react to the song when I played it... 2 beautiful girls at the back... haha... interesting... Anyway, I went up to one of them after the 2nd set and asked her if she was the one who requested for the song and apologized to her if it sounded bad cos I was sight reading it... Yea... then she was telling me that she thinks she knows me and asked if I was from Ngee Ann Poly.... And I'm like noo... I dun think so... complete stranger... haha... lol... I didn't ask for her number and stuff, though I would have loved too... haha... self control man... self control... Oh well, at least she enjoyed the music... reward enough for me... haha...

Ok then I went back to the table with Bryan, Jane and Samantha and they were asking me like... who's that? And I told them that I have absolutely no idea... haha... So funny... You should have seen the looks on their faces... Right, after talking more about models, mass com, abs, local celebrities and Don Johnson, we headed toward the MRT station and left for home... Fun night...

My Giordano wrist band says "world without strangers", the opposite side says "friends"... wouldn't be nice if everyone in the world knew each other? hrmmm... I keep thinking strangers are friends you haven't met yet... haha... going to meet more "friends" on Sunday at Lester's party... And meeting Jac today to practise as well... Oh I also need to find out who is this mandietan@hotmail.com who just added me to MSN... Right now I don't need a girlfriend... I need a reality check and God above all...

Peace yall, I'm content...

Ain't Misbehavin'

2005-04-13T08:50:00.000+08:00

Mei Jian's musical was quite fun I must say... It was good getting to know more people as they rehearsed their songs... Got to know Ravin, Jasmine, Fazli and Yu Han better... I think we all loosened up a bit more too and felt more comfortable around one another... Then I went to Macdonald's for dinner... Started raining cats and dogs just as I walked in... After that, I went home to check my mail and talk to my dad, Samantha and Claire over msn... Then I had to go out again cos Amanda said she had a craving for cheng teng and asked if I was free to go out... arghh... I had just had my bath!!! Anyway, I did go out later to have supper at Chomp Chomp... She brought her sister, Amelia, along too... had a good time catching up and all... then her mum sent me back cos my house was one the way to theirs... haha... even though I lived so near and could walk home!!

Right... so other than receiving 5 new messages in my phone this morning and finding out how to go to Laselle for Jac's prac, nothing really interesting except that I have to complete another essay for uni, and practise my piano today... Unless you wanna hear some more about the love issues... haha... I thought you would... :) Ok here goes...

Well, for starters, I need to constantly remind myself that God has a divine plan for my life and that I need to stop worrying about who I'm going to meet next or whatever... yea... and I was also talking to Randy, Roy, Julian, Minli and Kimberly the other day about dating... Which reminds me, I think I'd better plan a dinner session with Uncle Chris and see what he has to say... Can you believe I was also talking with my Dad this kinda stuff? Weird... haha... well, they've all got a lot of interesting points to consider... I don't really know how to explain but I'll try...

They were telling me like how one shouldn't date unless you have the intention of getting together or if you make it clear to the other party that you just wanna be friends and that it's better to go on group outings and stuff... And right now I'm trying to keep and open mind although sometimes, I can't help being me... But the thing that really got me thinking was about saving all the love you have right now for someone you will love in the future... I think Zaneta also pointed that out on Sunday... I'll recount the story for you...

It's about this guy on his wedding day marrying his bride... and when the pastor asks the bride, "Do you take this... blah blah blah", the bride wasn't the only one who said I do... All the groom's ex-girlfriends appeared one by one in the congregation, all saying I do in front of a rather befuddled bride... get the point?

If you watch the music video of John Legend featuring Kanye West, you'll get an idea... The title of the song is "I used to love you"... not exactly the same concept as the scenario above, but it'll certainly get you thinking... The scene is set in a church... You should really go and watch it... It got me thinking...

Ok, here's a Bible chapter for you...

1 Corinthians 13

v1 - If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.

v2 - If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.

v3 - If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

v4 - Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

v5 - It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

v6 - Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

v7 - It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

v8 - Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

v9 - For we know in part and we prophesy in part,

v10 - but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.

v11 - When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

v12 - Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

v13 - And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

If you just scrolled down to see what I have to say, please go read the verses again properly and this time try to understand what it says... haha... cos it's all there... the definition of love... so you see, if I want to "date", I realise I need to consider these things... v4-7... and consider what the other party is feeling... I realise I need to be less selfish and not delight in evil, and let the Holy Spirit lead me in making the right choices... cos the devil is always seeking out to destroy me and his attacks can be very very very subtle at times... So subtle that a wrong thing may actually seem like a right thing... Thus, I need to let the Holy Spirit guard my heart and not let the evil one sway me...

Interesting how my views on love have changed so much after 7 blog entries... I can't say that I will not go out with girls at all if they ask me to hang out once in a while as friends... But for now I'm going to stop asking girls out with the intention of seeing if there's a possibility of a "could we be together?".... haha... that's a very confusing sentence... I hope you know what I mean... Oh well, I'm still growing... time for me to become a man and put childish ways behind me... read v11 if you haven't yet... :) I leave you with a jazz song I think I might go and practise later... I'm gonna start living my life for Jesus... His ultimate sacrifice on Calvary... The epitome of Love...

Ain't Misbehavin'...

Though it's a fickle age
With flirting all the rage
Here is one bird with self control
Happy inside my cage

I know who I love best
Thumbs down for all the rest
My love was given, heart and soul
So it can stand the test

Your type of man is rare
I know you really care
That's why my conscience never sleeps
When you're away somewhere

Sure was a lucky day
When fate sent you my way
And made you mine alone for keeps
Ditto to all you say

No one to talk with, All by myself
No one to walk with, But I'm happy on the shelf
Ain't misbehavin', I'm savin' my love for you

I know for certain, The one I love,
I'm through with flirtin', It's just you I'm thinkin' of
Ain't misbehavin', I'm savin' my love for you

Like Jack Horner in the corner
Don't go no where, What do I care,
Your kisses are worth waitin' for
Believe me

I don't stay out late, Don't care to go,
I'm home about eight, Just me and my radio
Ain't misbehavin', I'm savin' my love for you

Out of Nowhere

2005-04-12T08:54:00.000+08:00

Hahaha... Just after I posted the blog entry yesterday, a lot more things happened... Well, for one, Samantha messaged me to say that she was coming to coffee club on Thursday right after she checks out of Sentosa... haha... hope she makes it... then some random girl added me to friendster and I can't communicate with her because everything in her profie is like in Indonesian!!! Then Jaime sent me her pictures cos she said I dunno how she looks like (we've never met) and that she might be dropping by with Hagen on Thursday night... then some girl named Jacq wants me to play for her recital at Laselle... and that's only the boring stuff... surprised? haha... Oh!!! Deric, my non-Christian friend also expressed an interest in accompanying me to church on Sunday... hope he comes...

Went out with Priscilla Samson last night... Ok, so we didn't exactly watch Spongebob but cos it was a Monday night... haha... what to expect right? We met at Cineleisure 1st and couldn't find a movie that started before 8 so we headed to Lido... Oh before that, I met Luke, my former classmate and someone I haven't seen in 8 years or so... he's going into army soon... Anyway, so yea... Lido also didn't have any movies starting before 8 so we went to see the earliest movie we could find... ended up watching The Wedding Date... interesting movie...

Anyway, Pris wanted Tako Pachi and I needed something to eat so we went to Taka bought some snacks and went back to eat at Lido... couldn't stop laughing while we were at it... Pris was laughing so hard that tears started rolling down her eyes and people were like staring at us and stuff... hee.... so funny.... yea, then it was the movie and we walked back to the MRT... then I decided not to take the MRT cos I'm like so lazy and stuff... haha... so I walked Pris to the bus stop then took a cab home... Yes Jaime, I kept my hands to myself (sortta), aren't you pleased? hahaha.... :)

Well, I got home and watched a bit of Las Vegas, Fraiser then Arrested development... Hee... Slept like a baby... Then this morning, I got up and of all surprises, my dad messages me in the morning and I have to write another essay!!! arghhh... hahaha... at least I've done it already... yay! Checked my email to download the questions and Uncle Victor gives me this email saying that actors/actresses are needed for some advertisement on unwanted pregnancy and stuff... haha... what a laugh... I turned down the offer... would have been kinda of interesting to act though... oh well, going for Mei Jian's musical in the afternoon... but before that I think I'd better tidy my room a bit... The other day, I found a fork in my bag... Yes you heard right, a fork!!!! I still need to find that song I wrote... must be somewhere around here.. haha... I wonder what more surprises are in store for me today... yea...

Interesting...

The Best Is Yet To Come

2005-04-11T08:18:00.000+08:00

You know what... every time I start to think that I like a girl, I meet new ones and my opinion changes now and then... but I'm also constantly reminded that I need to wait because God has a divine purpose for my life...

Jeremiah 29:11 - “I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

It can't be coincidence that I was talking with Dan, Yado and Zaneta over lunch yesterday about Joshua Harris books... or why Deanne messaged me early in the morning today with a bible verse very similar to this one... I can't remember now... argh... shouldn't have deleted it... or why Minli was talking to me the other day over msn on how a lot of young people in church need to stop viewing new people they meet as their potential boyfriend or girlfriend... In any case, God is pulling me back... I can sense it... I just need to put my complete trust in Him...

Well, if you wanna know what happened over the weekend... Saturday was worship leader training... a lot of people didn't show up... but Wyman and Alfrin weren't discouraged... bless them... I really appreciate what they're doing with the music ministry and stuff... Yea.. then Jennifer had worship practice... not too bad... and then I went for dinner with Yue Chang, Suyin, Halim, Melissa and Cherene... Thai Express isn't too bad either... haha... They actually wanted to go for coffee but I think Mel was too full and she wanted to go home... So they told me if I wanted a lift I'd better follow.. haha... so just before leaving, Suyin and Mel went to the face shop and I had to tag along... lol... Anyway, it was kinda bright... as in the lighting and stuff... haha...

Ok, Sunday comes and Jennifer is leading... the worship team pulled through I think... haha... better than practice... quite fun.... Oh!!! I saw Jolene too!!! She told me that Gilly was back as well... interesting... haha... then somehow as I was packing up the piano, I ended up talking with Bryan Wong and Daniel Simanjuntak... some lame jokes... haha... then also ended up meeting this new girl, Amanda... dunno how... haha... says that she used to come to Barker but hasn't been going for sometime or something like that... knows Sabrina and all... Anyway, I didn't get to talk much... Went to the canteen and talked with Dominic for a bit... that guy has changed his fashion style man... haha... more flamboyant... oh well... Bought lunch and ate with Ryan, Charlotte, Zaneta and this girl Joanne from Wesley... was playing with Shayna, Uncle Edward's 5-year old daughter too... she's sooo adorable... haha...

Priscilla and Jo-An cancelled their piano lesson with me so I hung out with Daniel, Yado, Zaneta, Joseph and Szu Yong at Pudong for a second lunch but I didn't eat... The service there is really bad... I suggest you don't go... haha... yea... then talked about the Joshua Harris books... Then I went back with Joseph and Zaneta to play for 5pm service... and after that it was games with a few new people... Aaron, Becki, Charmaine, Gracie, Ryan, Min and lots more I didn't really get to know... Anyway, it was quite fun....

We had dinner at Novena Square... It was the 1st time Xiao Hui and Zheng Yang joined us.... yay!!! Let's see... there was Edmund, Joo Teng, Rachel, Sandra, Kenneth, Deanne, Dorcas, Abigail, Zheng Yang, Xiao Hui and Joseph... Oh and we met Guang Zhao there as well... having dinner with his family.... Then it was dessert at California Deli.... I was tempted to order a cake... haha... ask the rest... I'm not saying anything...

I just woke up... still very tired... haha... and I need to go out later... watching Spongebob with Pris... I need a haircut... hrmmm... maybe I'll get one later... haha... Well, after all the things that happened over the weekend, I'd better see what I can give to God instead of seeing what I can get out of church... And I need to get my hands on the Joshua Harris books and find out the difference between dating and courtship... :)

Change starts now... :)

Secret Love

2005-04-09T09:16:00.000+08:00

I have a girlfriend!!! and I realise I've been neglecting her for a long time... hahaha... thought it might catch you're attention... well well, I bet your ears are all pricked up now... : ) We knew each other since we were 5... and got attached at 13.... Anyway, here are some pictures of me and my baby... Hee.... some private moments of a 7 year relationship...

Haha... gotcha... yea... I haven't been practising much lately... cos I've been too engrossed in blogging and making new friends and stuff... I need to get my fingers back in shape... they're all wonky and stuff...

Went to Mei Jian's rehearsal the other day... got more comfortable with the cast there... Ramu can play for free!!! Yay!!! Will be working with him soon... Was talking to Huili, Mark and Kelvin last night... Interesting conversation... can't say much but I think we agree on the same thing... or person... lol... also talking to Minli and Kimberly... yes... I've finally heard the llama song.... super retarded... haha... oh and Kimberly told me that she didn't think that I was the kind who was interested in girls... more interested in music... gosh... maybe I should quit music... but then again... what fun would that be? haha... sorry... it's my passion... you girls just gotta keep up... haha... yea right... *eyes dart round*

Anyway, I'm going for the worship leader training today... could wake up late cos Hazel cancelled the piano lesson... must be tired from all her work... Oh well, what else... hrmm... I'm meeting Priscilla on Monday for a movie... Lester invited me to his birthday party... I think I'll go... heck... I should go... I remembered how it was like when friends didn't show up or played me out at some functions... yea... I'm going... and I'm keeping myself busy with Mei Jian's musical... and the YFC garage... yea... better ways to spend more time with God... I need to get back on track... well, blogger is working again... more photos heading your way...

Watch this space...

At Last

2005-04-08T09:22:00.000+08:00

At last!!!! Met up with Daniel Milton yesterday... boy it was sure great seeing him again... Right around 6pm as I saw him bound down the stairs of phoenix LRT with a wide grin on his face, all my thoughts of how he's changed as a person just faded... I knew instantly that we were gonna have a great time catching up...

It's been a good 11 years or so since I last saw him... and after all this, he's still the same... more mature, stronger but he's still good old Daniel as I last remembered... sweet... two old fogies hanging out on a Thursday evening... :)

We went to some 24 hour hawker centre near his place... as least I think that's where we went... haha... yea... bought me dinner and all... the black pepper chicken rice was divine!!! Thanx pal!!! Chatted about our lives and stuff... and connected them some how... hahaha... everything from army to friends to family and even teaching!!! yea... he teaches martial arts... interesting what he has to say.... what you can learn from anyone... that sortta stuff...

Popped by his place later to give his mum a surprise visit... saw his little brother on the way up.... haha... cute.... I'm stunned that she remembers me after all this time and even knows where I stay!!! Amazing.... really amazing... yea... said hi to his dad and sis too... His mom wanted me to call Uncle Dax and Auntie Mary cos they stayed nearby and maybe we could visit... they used to be in the same church as us before... So I called Uncle Dax on his mobile... He couldn't remember me... haha what a laugh... I had to describe who I was and stuff until it finally clicked... hee... anyway... he was busy that night.... hrmmm... maybe next time.... anyway... they wanted to hear me play the piano so I did... then I took some photos with them.... here they are... hope the pix work... hee... just figured out how to do this thing...

Yea... after that, I followed Daniel to Lot 1 to catch The Pacifier... not too bad a show... hrmm... who would have thought this was Disney material... haha... yea... I wish the evening hadn't come to an end so soon... but all good things eventually must.... so... we walked back to the MRT and with a hand shake, hug and slap on the back, left for home...

Well, after yesterday I'm reminded of the good old days back in my old church where everyone was close to each other.... how I miss that.... and now, I'm beginning to think twice about making too many new friends... and about keeping up with the old ones... Not to say that making new friends isn't good or what... but like everything else in life... it needs balance...

Oh, Florence Chang my old school teacher might be dropping by coffee club next week with two ex-girls.... Bryan Wong might be coming with his friends... and Samantha, someone whom I just got to know, expressed interest in going.... There you go.... past, present and future all wrapped into one...

'Nuff said...

I'm Beginning To See The Light

2005-04-06T09:33:00.000+08:00

Hrmm... interesting... on the tag board 2 girls say I've got to read Joshua Harris books... one is my sis... the other, another friend... I've just checked it up on Google... and from what I've seen, I think I can already guess what the books are about... Even though I've never heard about a Joshua Harris before... but do correct me if I'm wrong... it kinda stunned me for a moment... from the captions and all... Then I realised I was veering off on a tangent in my life...

Now there is this part of me that wants to take back all that I said yesterday for fear of public humiliation and another that wants to leave it there as a reminder of how naive I was... But for now... I'm going to leave it there... and face the music... haha...

The title on one of the Joshua Harris books reads... "stop dating the church"... now... that is a very big wake up call and it hit me like a tonne of bricks... In your face and to the point... 'nuff said... now all of those girls I've mentioned yesterday are from a variety of places... maybe one or two from church... if you asked me 5 mins ago... "hey, do you think what you're doing is right?" I would just brush you off and say "I dunno" or give you some other evasive answer... but now, after looking up Joshua Harris, I am challenged... and it makes me think twice about shooting my mouth off in public...

Instead, I have come to realise that I should let God take control over all of my life... and when I say all... I mean... body and soul... all of me... I realise that I have to keep God at the centre of my everyday living... I realise that I have strayed a bit since I have stepped down from the music ministry and have had more time to myself... I realise that I've gotten carried away with this free time and forgot about God and about what it means to be a living sacrifice for Him...

I realise that I need to repent and need God's forgiveness...

I realise that even in my own church or others, that there are lots of guys and girls who "date" in the church, subtle as it may be... and I realise I must not conform to the ways of this world or peer pressure...

and I realise that all this is not easy...

All I can do now is pray for myself and for others that we all may come to know and understand the full extent of God's mercy, grace and love... and that we not take it for granted like we all have a countless number of times...

So no interesting stories about my life today but rather some reflective thoughts to get you thinking... I know that I need to surrender everything to Him... I hope you will too... Well, I just can't keep on saying this and not do anything about it... actions speak louder than words... I'm cancelling some dates I've planned and I think I might spend some time with the Lord instead... I'll let God lead and trust not on my own understanding... very few people realise that this verse is up on the wall where we worship at Shine Forth... "Proverbs 3:5"... I think that's the verse... I may be wrong... haha... like I so often am at times but refuse to admit...

After all, I'm only human...

James 4:4-17

v4 - You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God.

v5 - Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?

v6 - But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.”

v7 - Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

v8 - Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.

v9 - Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom.

v10 - Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.

v11 - Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it.

v12 - There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you–who are you to judge your neighbour?

v13 - Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.”

v14 - Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes.

v15 - Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord's will, we will live and do this or that.”

v16 - As it is, you boast and brag. All such boasting is evil.

v17 - Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins.

The Man That Got Away

2005-04-05T09:25:00.000+08:00

Marina told me last week that I was beautiful and that I would break many hearts... Now I can hear some of you cackling with disbelief... Personally, I try very hard not to let this stuff go to my head... but I think I realised what she meant by that statement...

Oh before I continue, some people have asked me if I'm comfortable sharing my love life with you guys and gals... to that I say... my life's an open book... I've shut friends and family out of my life before to keep from getting hurt and emotionally wounded... but I've come to realise that those wounds won't heal fast unless I let friends and family near to tend to them... After all, the last emotional scar was what got this blog started in the 1st place...

Anyway, on to matters of the heart... pun blatantly intended!!! :) yea... I went to watch Miss Congeniality 2 with Fiona yesterday... We had time to kill before the movie so we took a walk around Junction 8... It's changed so much and yet there is still nothing interesting to do... boring... ended up sitting down at a bench talking... I can't tell you much cause some of it was personal... all I can say is that I learnt a lot... *click in my head 1*... we proceeded for the movie... quite fun... Priscilla messaged me 3/4 into the movie... asked how I was and stuff... I didn't reply then... so inappropriate... haha... *click in my head 2*... Anyway, I replied to Priscilla after the movie when Fiona went home... Asked Pris if she wants to catch a movie... She didn't reply until that night cos she was working... but in any case, we're going to see Sponge Bob!!! Next week on Monday... yay!!! retarded humour... haha...

Now I can hear some of you mumbling amongst yourselves... and I know exactly why... hey... who says I can't go out with 2,3 or more girls at the same time? When I say same time, I mean time spent individually with each girl during the same week or month... Anyways... I'm not attached anyway... I'm just looking for possibilities... and I've learnt that it is always more important to start off as friends, then continue on to good friends and if the road takes us further so be it... *click in my head 3*... I've had crushes before or maybe you can call it slight attraction... but you know what... I've learnt that it is better to wait than to rush into any relationship at all... *click in my head 4*... and from my previous blog entries you can see what I mean... be it Hazel, Alex, Fiona, Pris.... yada yada yada... hahaha... there you go... I dished out some dirt for you... hee...

Oh!!! I'm seeing Daniel Milton on Thursday!!! It's been ages since I last saw him... A good 8 or 9 years me thinks...will be good to catch up... yea... might be hanging out with Madeline over the weekend too... hrmm.... oh... here's another interesting fact... my dad actually reads my blog!!! *click in my head 5* and told me my mum does too... I was shocked... haha... it's like they're reading my journal or diary or something... so odd... I don't mind anyway...

Was talking to Janice, Abigail and Kimberly last night too... haha... Janice and Kimberly asked if I was comfortable putting up love issues in my blog... I told them I didn't mind... It got them talking to me over msn anyways right? Hee... I'm sooo sneaky... yea right... hahaha.... lol... and the conversations were pretty interesting... you gotta find out yourself... haha... I'm not telling you....

I'm going to Mei Jian's rehearsal today... Just typed out another song properly... Now we have everything... I think... haha... My room is a mess... I think it seriously needs some tidying up... well, better start on that and write down some more numbers in my address book... My phone and SIM card memory are full!!! Which reminds me, I need to follow up on that weird Amanda incident the other day... haha... her sister Amelia wants to know how I am... hrmm... anyways... I'm getting her number to see if there's any misunderstanding...

Oh!!! Another weird thing happened yesterday after the movie... I was on the bus back and this woman was staring at me strangely... I glanced back with a quizzical look then looked away... *click in my head 6*... that was Fenny!!!.... I think... really looked like her but I couldn't ask her cause the bus was so crowded and she got down before me... Now, Fenny and Jenny are sisters who used to be in my cell group a long time ago but I've lost contact with them since I went to UK... sigh... opportunity wasted... hrmm... Clement Chow just sent me his email address... cool... I've just replied to Nikki too... she seems fine... can't wait for me to go back to UK I think... haha...

Well, there you go... Jordan's soap opera... haha... and you know what I still love running free for now... Not prepared for a relationship just yet... the fun part in dating's always the anticipation... mwahhaha... I still have a lot to learn... the single life rocks...

I'm not kidding you....

This Can't Be Love

2005-04-04T08:29:00.000+08:00

Well, Sunday was kinda fun I guess... quite the usual though... Went to church early... saw Pearly playing the riff of "Mourning into Dancing"... She pulled it off quite well... I went to meet Alex after that... she's still searching I think... so she didn't go for communion... anyway... some of the youth started turning back and looking at me when Pearly was playing that song... cos I'm the only one who usually plays that piano riff and I think they were quite surprised to see Pearly play... dang... why can't people just not be distracted when they're worshipping... isn't it God who's supposed to be they're main focus? Hrmm... a paradigm shift is in order... Anyway, I just sortta ignored them... I wanted to worship my Lord...

After service, Alex wanted me to show her to the MRT station... so I walked with her like 3/4 of the way... told to take a bus... didn't listen... stupid woman... haha... sweating all the way there... had lunch in the canteen with Wendy, Kelvin, Jo-An and David... they were having some ushers meeting... after that I gave Jo-An and Jennifer piano lessons... Quite a bit learnt... I think... Hee...

Oh!!! another thing... Amanda messaged me and told me that her sis is asking about me cause she didn't see me and asked me to drop a note... 1st of all... I don't know who her sis is!!! and I'm like huh? so I ask Amanda if she's got the wrong number... She says you're the Jordan staying near Chomp Chomp right? Yea... you dunno her... Just take it that we miss you... that's quite flattering but totally weird!!! Anyway, I shan't harbour too much on it...

When Jo-An and Jennifer left it started to rain so I spent some time listening to Diana Krall (my favourite!) on my Ipod and tried to learn some of her licks... Kah Choi came in but I didn't notice... then He walked up to me... chatted a bit... it was still raining... so I played some Christian music on the piano and prayed that it would stop raining... Some other people came in early too... it was only when the choir came in when it stopped raining... yay... now can play games... haha...

Went to the canteen and saw Jac, Debbie, Cheryl, Deanne and Guangzhao there... talked with them some more... Dean and Joseph came riding they're bikes later... I think we might be sharing a room for the coming church camp... yay... I can go now...

Anyways, we played captain's ball after that... there was this new girl called Min or Win... aiyah dunno... didn't really catch her name... apparently everyone thought she was Yaozhang's sister... haha... dunno lah... hey you know what... Justin finally appeared after soooo long... but he didn't play... haha... caught up with him... talking about relationships and stuff... Dan and Kenneth were going on about Spongebob the movie... I'm a goofy goober yea... hahaha dun ask...

After that, we had trouble deciding where to eat... Dean wanted to go to this Forture Seafood Restaurant past 6th Ave... Anyway, we ended up there lah... haha... a massive group!!! Hee... Let's see there was Justin, Dean Joseph, Dan, Edmund, Joo Teng, Deanne, Chang, Dorcas, Sandra, Lesley, Kenneth and Abigail... Soooo many... The food was great!!! We started telling corny jokes at the table... so retarded hahaha... goofy goober jokes included... I must try and catch that movie some time soon...

Yea... had trouble deciding if I should go for dessert or join the guys at Justin's house... hrmm... I chose saner company... hee... no offence guys... haha... yea... so Sandra, Dorcas, Lesley, Deanne, Kenneth, Joo Teng and Edmund went for dessert at Venetia... haha... bumped into Steven, Jared Hong and Tim there too!!! Oh well, Sandra, Edmund and Deanne were suaning me about some girl... haha... whatever... anyways... it was Fiona who called me for a movie last night... actually she called me again this morning... going to Bishan to watch Miss Congeniality 2 after her YFC fellowship...

Maybe I shouldn't rush into relationships... after my last awkward experience...

This can't be love because I feel so well
No sobs no sorrows no sighs
This can't be love, I get no dizzy spells
My head is not in the skies

My heart does not stand still
Just hear it beat
This is too sweet to be love
This can't be love because I feel so well
But still I love the look in your eyes

Hrmm...

Let's Get Away From It All

2005-04-02T20:05:00.000+08:00

Woke up around 9 today... I think... haha... my memory's a little fuzzy... anyway... had some time to myself after such a manic weekend... yea... shack... the worship workshop this afternoon was pretty long too... met Karen, the vocal trainer again... lotsa heavy stuff touched on... mentally tiring...

Just had dinner at Jennifer's place... Uncle Wen Chien wants me to play for some alpha course worship thingy... I went to Wesley hall after that to see if Hazel was playing for Joe... Turns out Joe got Pearly to play instead... hiyah, that guy never listens... They both asked if I could play... I didn't want too... super tired already... Pearly looked as if she took it personally... Joe just looked disappointed... I hope they're not offended... hrmm... anyways... I need a break!!! yes... you heard that people out there? haha...

Why do people still want me to play when I said I'm stepping down from the music ministry? sigh... some people never listen... maybe it's partly my fault too... I keep saying yes... well, I'm finally learning how to say no... so you guys better get used to it...

Was listening to Fiona's favourite song on the way back in the cab... I'm halfway through learning it... the cab driver didn't wanna give me change for $50 for the fare... arghh.... can't be bothered... I've had enough of people pushing me around... Hrmm... I'll think I'll go for the sanctuary service tomorrow... haven't been there in a while... yea...

Night...

In the Wee Small Hours of the Morning

2005-04-01T23:56:00.000+08:00

Phew!!! Just got back from the Leslie Cheung tribute gig.... Roger is soooo unorganised!!! He didn't even pay me tonight too!!! sigh... Looks like I'm gonna have to get the cash from him at Marina's place... Thank you party...

Do you know what? The coffee club actually wanted to cancel on me last minute yesterday... cos it was raining... and of all times, they call me at like 4 or 5pm... what nerve!!! I told them off and still played that night anyways... the coffee club is semi-sheltered and guess what... the rain had stopped by then... whatever... Chang and Yado dropped by as well... together with Chang's dad, Philip... Also had Jeremy and Gavin drop by too... Nice seeing them again.... The night would have been perfect if not for the row with the management... sighz... cos strangers were actually beginning to take notice of us!!! and for once they clapped!!! ahh... the sound of applause... euphoric...

Well, last night the rehearsal and photo shoot ended at 230am... got home around 3am then woke up at 730am... Had to do a minus one recording for Mei Jian's musical and Mr Seah (Mei Jian's teacher) came by to pick it up... After that, I went to Raymond's (the sound guy) house to do the same recording... but more professionally.... haha... that other one I gave to Mr Seah was on tape... Oh well, hope Sha (dance choreographer) will be able to work with that... Oh! I also messaged Fiona before going to Raymond's house... but that's private stuff... hehee... sorry guys... all I can say is... hrmm... actually better not... haha... bleah... :)

We got the recording done in slightly over an hour... so I had the luxury of taking my time to go to Mox bar and cafe... Marina was already there... gosh... haha... yea... the gig was ok I guess... but all over the place... very messy... most of it was improvised... it was kinda sad... haha... anyway, I kept asking for my dinner cos that's what I was promised the day before... but the dinner didn't arrive until 5mins before the show... I was sooo hungry I downed all the pasta and lasagne in 3mins!!! Well, other than that, I got a rose from Marina... She really believes in acknowledging the musicians... sweet... told me I was beautiful... aren't girls supposed to be that... not guys? Anyway, I'm too tired to tell you what happened exactly... It's getting late... Hazel cancelled the lesson tomorrow as well... yay... I can sleep in... anyways I'm dead tired...

K.O...

Here's That Rainy Day

2005-03-31T14:12:00.000+08:00

It has finally rained!!! After soooo long!!! Man... How I love the sound of rain every once in a while... Not too much though, if not it'll be super boring..... hee... like England!!! Hardly ever see any sun around.... It's on days like this I wish I could stay home and let my body rejuvenate... how therapeutic...

Had supper last night with Chang, Yado and Dan... Same old conversations... nothing interesting... haha... no offence you guys... I'm giving you chance... (personal joke between us)... Before that, the rehearsal for Mei Jian's musical was 4 hours long!!! Shack!!! Then after that it was Jennifer's prac... had to catch dinner at Caltex... I also think I'm getting fat... Why did I order the Tandori Chicken last night... hrmm... haha...

OH Oh!!! My new specs arrived!!! It's better than I expected them to be!!! I'm usually particular about the colour and designs and all... haha... spent like 1 hour in the shop just deciding... bleah...

Well, I've got nothing much to say for now... haha... I hear some of you going, "phew!"... Yea... my previous blog entries are uber long.... as Bryan Wong put it... haha... Anyways, I'm off to practice for the coffee club tonight... Chang and Jeremy might be dropping by... hrmm... Alex couldn't make it.... sigh.... Anyways... I'm looking forward to my photo shoot tonight too!!! haha... Can't wait... It's gonna be a late night again I guess...

Pitter patter pitter patter....

Night and Day

2005-03-30T11:41:00.000+08:00

Sheesh!!!! I'm dead tired... all this work and not enough sleep... I'll start from last night...

Well, went to Marina's house to finalize all the songs and all for Friday... Had to wait 40mins at the Paya Lebar taxi stand for Roger to appear and take us there... That guy is perpetually late!!! He's a good guy though... Just very unorganized... Anyway... met up with a sound and light engineer, Jamie and we discussed the structure of songs and all... I don't know why but every time we go to Marina's house we talk about everything else except the music... Now if Marina wasn't on the phone the whole time chatting to her endless streams of boyfriends around the globe, we could have ended way before 12 midnight... for goodness sakes, she has a husband!!! Anyway... it's a good thing we chatted about our contracts and stuff with Roger, while eating the chicken and hokkien mee he had bought, together with Marina's meso... some tofu dish.. haha.. He'd better remember the photo shoot on Thursday... hrmm... gotta find something nice to wear... So in between Marina's emotional outbursts, we went through the show and all... and I found out that Lee Weng Kee is a perfectionist... tricky... hee...

After all that was more or less complete, Jamie made a move 1st... then both Weng Kee and me wanted to leave... but Marina's husband came back and so we stayed about another hour to chat or so... which is good too coz she was telling me about how she fell in love with Brandon, the bass player... ok, not that kinda of love lah!!! She was more or less expressing how Brandon was such a handsome young man who had a lot going for him... his bass playing and all... and how it was such a shame that he got involved in a motorcycle accident... well, he's alright now... but I still have yet to see him... He was my sergeant back in SAF Bands... hope he's ok... Anyway, Marina was also telling me about practising and stuff... and that the great jazz singers she's met save all their energy for shows... cos they don't practise... or something like that... but don't quote me on it... singers like Betty Carter, Shirley Horn and the lot... but she said I have to practise... and it hit me...

Now, this is at the risk of sounding egotistical but I'm going to say it anyway to help you understand better... I've been told countless times that I play well... for my age at least... and now when someone, or anybody tells you that a lot, you get de-sensitized and don't seem to think much of it... very soon you think you're ahead of your game and in a different league altogether... your humble self just fades away... call it human nature or what.. haha... So when I played for Marina the couple of times, I thought I was doing a swell job... of course I didn't say it to your face lah... hee... So now when Marina tells me I need to practise... it hits me quite hard... not in a bad way of course... it's more like a gentle slap to tell you to wake up and realise that you're inept cos there are so many better musicians out there... And I am grateful that she told me subtly that I was inept... Cos I need these wake-up calls every now and then just to keep me grounded... As Wynton Marsalis once said, "Humility engenders learning because it beats back the arrogance that puts blinders on"... Truth is, the humble always listen to what people have to say... and because they keep on listening and learning, the humble improve...

Well, yea... so much for that deep thought... haha.. Don't take it lightly though... I ended up sleeping at 130am last night, woke up at 930am and replied to my dad's email... he still wants me to scan a copy of my transcriptions... after I sent it to him yesterday... hrmm... uni deadline I guess... but I'm blessed to have such a dad that cares for me like that... even though he's seem a bit naggy at times... haha... I actually wanted to blog earlier this morning but people on msn kept messaging me... like 5 or 6 people!!! had to entertain them for awhile.... haha... and I finally wrote a testimonial for my sis.... hee... hope she writes one back... soon.... my friendster is working again!!! yay!!!

Okies... I'm going to go for lunch now and after that write some more songs for Mei Jian's musical.... meeting her later... Also going for Jennifer's worship prac tonight... haha... it's the 1st time she's leading... after I sortta stepped down from the music ministry... oh... I still have yet to write that letter to Nikki and learn Fiona's song... need to get some practice time in too before Thursday... Playing at Coffee Club, and then the rehearsal and photo shoot after... Friday would be the performance already... and Saturday I need to teach Hazel and Victor and go for that Worship Leader training.... Wow, I don't think I'm going to be sleeping much this week... It's day in and night out for me... hee

Manic...

What Are You Doing The Rest Of Your Life?

2005-03-29T15:16:00.000+08:00

Well, if it isn't you again reading all the private moments of my life to satisfy your voyeuristic needs... haha... sorry... been under a bit of stress lately...

Went to Mei Jian's house last night and completed a few more songs... started at 6, ended around 10pm... the cake was nice... thanx Mei Jian!!! There were some really inspiring moments too... haha... I've got to perform that Dorothy and Leo song at coffee club sometime... Oh and yes... had dinner there too... Chicken pie and cream of corn soup... was trying to be polite so I downed a bit of the soup... for those of you who know I don't eat veg!!! Anyway, during that time, Mei Yen popped in to say hi, Chang called me to see if I wanted to watch Hitch with the guys... man, wish I could have gone... but when inspiration comes you don't wanna lose it... so I passed... sacrifice number 1....

We stopped at 10 something coz Mei Jian wanted to watch desperate housewives... ok I confess... I love that show too!!! Hee... and hey what do you know I caught a cab with TV mobile inside... what fortune... haha.... anyway... I went back and watched the rest of it... then watched Las Vegas, Fraiser and Arrested Development... Interesting shows.... haha... slept at one...

Woke up this morning at 830... feeling tired... had to hand copy some transcriptions for the uni application... got fed up and photocopied them instead... sent in the originals with my essay.... Hope it gets to UK soon... Man... it's $36 for express delivery and air mail.... sheesh!!! yea... anyway, I got back and did the songs for the Leslie Cheung gig... rehearsal tonight at Marina Xavier's house... wonder how I'm going to get there... Tanjong Katong Gardens of all places! After I did that I typed out the songs Mei Jian and I worked on last night... makes it much easier to read than those little scribbles... haha... both of ours... I'm still sleepy... sacrifice number 2....

WAHEY!!! I finally got the song from Fiona!! "God gave me you" It's her favourite song and she's been wanting me to learn it... but I have never been able to find that song on google... So now I have the mp3 and it's kinda nice... If she pops by the coffee club sometime, man, I'd better be able to play that song! haha... Also checked friendster... this is the 4th or 5th time something has gone wrong with that site... all my testimonials are gone... last time it was all my friends who were gone... why did I ever join this wonky thing in the 1st place? haha...

Hey, you know what, all the above paragraphs start with the letter w... interesting... ok... I'm going off on a tangent... was talking to Alex over msn just now... she's working as a talent scout for some company... haha... searching for models... funny job... the rest I leave up to your imagination ;)

Anyway, I'm thinking having a nap... hrmmm... oh wait... I still have to write that letter to Nikki... arghh.... sacrifice number 3.... no sleeping early or entertaining myself tonight either.... sigh....

Oh well, music's something I chose to do when I was 13... sacrifices are just part of it I guess... I might as well get used to it... After all, I'm going to be doing it the rest of my life...

I'm out...